Lost and Found
by LoisAndClarkSuperfan
Summary: A young pregnant woman is raped and murdered, and Olivia Benson is prepared to notify the family..that is until she realizes her connection to the young woman. Now facing this family will force Olivia to confront demons from her past, and as she works to solve the crime, she must come to terms with the reality that things will never be the same. (Rated T for now...may change later)
1. Chapter 1

**Hello all! I am back, with a new story. I wasn't planning to start another SVU fic, but I've had so many kind PMs requesting I write a new story that I just couldn't resist. Plus I had this idea in my head and figured I'd just go with it. It is not a sequel to my last story ****_Changes_**** (although I know I've had many requests for that.) This one is completely different, a little darker, and hopefully won't be as long. Who knows how long it will take me to finish this, as I am in no rush this time...taking it slow. I hope it meets your expectations.**

"Damn it!" Olivia Benson looked at her phone, knowing the text alert she'd just heard was going to drag her back to work. After a full day, all she wanted to do was stay home, curl up on the sofa with her new baby boy, and read one of the many Dr. Seuss books she'd bought at the book store on her way home. The last parenting article she'd read insisted reading to babies helped build their vocabulary early, eventually helping them succeed in school and she was determined not to fail at motherhood. Her son was going to have every advantage she could give him, and if that meant reading to him at night before bed, even when she was pretty sure he didn't understand a word she said, she was going to do it. She glanced at the text and sighed, "_Great_…" looking at the baby she smiled gently, "I have to leave for a little bit, Noah. But I'll be back soon. I promise."

After leaving Noah with her sitter, she rushed through the doors of Mercy Hospital. "What've we got?" she asked, as Fin and Nick walked up to her. "I have to make this quick…I need to get home."

Fin looked at her and couldn't help but smile. For someone who had always lived for the job, Olivia had let motherhood change her in ways no one could have expected. He knew he was about to crush her, and he wished he could have handled things himself, but she deserved to know. "Twenty year old pregnant rape victim…she was brutalized, stabbed. She coded in the ambulance on the way here. They were able to deliver the baby by c-section a while ago, but the mom didn't make it."

"Oh God," Olivia felt sick thinking of this poor girl and her little baby. She thought of her son, at home with the sitter and she wanted more than anything to hold him safely in her arms. "How's the baby?"

"She's stable…a little premature, but healthy," Nick added. "But Liv…there's more…"

"What?" she asked, the tone of his voice making her suddenly nervous. "What's going on?"

"She had ID on her," Fin answered. "We need to notify the family."

"Oh," Olivia said sadly. It was her least favorite part of the job and it tore her up inside each and every time. Facing a mom or dad, husband or boyfriend…a loved one who probably didn't even know the victim wasn't coming home yet…telling them she never would. And now that she had Noah, she felt like it was even harder. She knew what it felt like to be part of a family for the first time in her life, and she dreaded tearing someone else's apart. "Do you want me to do it? I know sometimes it's easier on parents when a woman comes…"

"Liv, you don't understand," Fin interrupted. "You know her…"

Olivia bit her bottom lip, confused by what he was telling her. She'd worked with hundreds of victims over the years, so the fact that she knew this one didn't come as a big surprise. "Who is it?" she asked, and when Fin didn't answer her she knew it was worse than she could imagine, but she still couldn't think of who it could be. He handed her the girl's wallet and she opened it slowly, looking at the photo of a young woman, blonde hair, blue eyes staring back at her and the familiarity of it caused her heart to pound. Then she glanced at the name, fearing the worst as a slight gasp escaped her lips, "No…" she shook her head in disbelief. "No, no, no…."

"Liv…" Fin took the wallet from her and tried to steady her, placing his hands on her shoulders.

"I can't tell him…" she looked at Fin and tears pooled in her eyes. "I haven't seen him in so long...and to just show up, like this..."

"You don't have to," Nick spoke up. "Amanda and I can do it. Neither of you have to go."

"They don't need to get this news from strangers," Fin added. "Liv…I think we should be the ones to do it."

"Yeah…of course…you're right. It should be us," she cleared her throat, exhaling sharply. "I want to see her first. I need to…"

"Sure," Fin took her arm and led her to the room. They both stood, staring at the lifeless body on the table and he shook his head with frustration, "Such a waste of a young life."

"Oh Lizzie…" she whispered, looking at her former partner's daughter, taking in the sight of her battered body. "What happened to you?" She turned to Fin, her eyes stinging with painful tears. "I haven't seen her in years," Olivia said sadly. "I think she was a senior when he left." She looked at Fin, "This is going to kill him…do we know who did it? Any leads? He's gonna ask…"

"She has a boyfriend according to the friend who found her, but he's gone with the wind," Fin told her. "We've got people looking for him. We'll find him, but there isn't any evidence to prove it was him. It could be a stranger for all we know."

"He's gonna go after the guy himself," Olivia said honestly. "You know that."

"I know," Fin nodded. "We have to try to keep that from happening."

"She's his youngest daughter," Olivia reminded him. "What do you expect him to do?"

"Exactly what he will do," Fin answered. "But we still have to try to stop him. And don't forget about Kathy...this is her little girl. She's the one who's gonna need a woman's touch...someone to cry on..."

"I doubt I'm the one she'd want," Olivia admitted. "Elliot and Kathy..." she realized it was the first time in longer than she could remember that she'd said their names and she was scared.

"Liv…maybe I was wrong," Fin said seriously. "Maybe you shouldn't come."

"I want to," she insisted. "I need to…for Elliot, and Kathy…"she looked back at the body and closed her eyes trying to hold back her tears, "For Elizabeth…she deserves justice. I want them to know we _will_ get this guy."

Fin nodded, pulling the sheet up over Elizabeth's face and putting his arms around Olivia as she cried. "We need to head to Queens," he said softly.

She nodded, "I want to see the baby," she said. "I want to make sure she's okay…maybe that can be one small comfort to them…to know their granddaughter is all right."

They walked to the NICU, and Olivia showed her badge and asked to see the baby. A nurse led her into a small room where the tiny baby lay in an incubator. "Is she okay?" she asked, worried by the baby's fragile appearance.

"She had a rough entrance into the world," the nurse said softly, "But she's good. Almost five pounds and breathing well. She just needs to gain some weight and then she can go home. Does she have any family?"

Olivia nodded, "I'm going to notify her grandparents…I'm sure they'll take her." She reached her hand in through the side of the incubator and stroked the baby's arm gently. "Hang in there, little girl," she whispered. "I'm sorry your mommy is gone. If I know her like I think I do, she was probably a little surprised by you at her age, but I bet she loved you with all her heart…your grandma and grandpa…they'll take good care of you. They're good people…and they deserve a little happiness right now when their world is going to be crumbling. You're gonna be a blessing to them."

"Do you know if she has a name?" the nurse asked, pointing to the label on the side of the incubator. "It would help us…"

"Just Baby Girl Stabler," she answered. "Maybe her mom had a name picked out. I'm sure her grandparents will know." She looked back at the baby, "They are going to love you so much. I wish I didn't have to break their hearts on your birthday…"

"You ready?" Fin asked, unsure if either of them were strong enough to do the notification. "We should head out."

"I don't think there is a way to be ready for this," Olivia sighed. "Let's go."

**More to come...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks so much for all the kind reviews. It makes me happy to know people are enjoying my writing. Since this is different in storyline from anything I've tried before, I wasn't sure how it would go over. I'm glad to know people are reading, and the reviews motivate me to continue. Here is a little more...**

The ride to Queens was a silent one. Olivia had dried her tears, forcing herself to fall into the mindset she usually took on when notifying families. She tried not to think about Elliot…how he'd walked away from her three years earlier. She tried not to let her memories of Lizzie, the girl she'd known since she was a kindergartner, take hold of her. She had to stay calm...keep herself composed and collected. This wasn't about her. It was about Elliot and Kathy, their kids…losing one of their own. The fact that Olivia was there couldn't overshadow that and she wouldn't let it.

Fin pulled up in front of the house and Olivia felt her pulse race, doing all she could to hide the anxiousness. She hadn't been there in a long time. When Elliot first left, she'd gone there…but only once. She pushed that thought out of her mind, preferring not to think about how horribly wrong things had gone between them. She exhaled sharply, turning to Fin and nodding…no words needed. They both knew how hard this would be. It was best to get it over with.

They walked up the sidewalk, Olivia's boots crunching on the autumn leaves that were scattered across the walkway. When they reached the porch, Fin spoke, unsure of how to proceed. "You sure you can do this?" he asked, but instead of answering she pushed the doorbell and waited for someone to answer, and before she knew what hit her she saw the door open, but it wasn't Elliot or Kathy…it was a little boy, with curly blond hair and his father's clear blue eyes that seemed to look right through her.

"Hi," he said, completely unafraid of answering the door and finding two strangers there. His smile melted her heart, and Olivia knelt down to him.

"Hi…" she smiled, and showed him her badge. "Are your mom and dad here?"

"Why?" he asked bluntly, reaching for her badge and taking in every inch of it. "What do you want with them?"

"Hey kid," Fin said with frustration. "We need to see your folks and it isn't any of your concern."

"Eli…" Olivia said gently. "It is really important…"

The little boy looked at her, wrinkling his forehead as he thought, "How do you know my name?" he asked, handing her the badge. "Am I in trouble? Mom said if I didn't stop taking her extra change out of the jar in the kitchen that she'd call the cops…but I needed fifty cents today," he panicked. "I needed a new pencil or my teacher was going to take away my recess. I'm sorry…"

"No Eli," Olivia put her hand on his shoulder, trying to calm him, "You didn't do anything wrong. We just need to see your parents, okay?"

"MOM…" the little boy yelled. "There's some cops here. I didn't do anything…"

"Eli…what the hell…" Kathy walked in from the kitchen, stopping when she saw the visitors at her door. Her face dropped and she cleared her throat, "Go upstairs and do your homework," she said to her son.

"But Mom…" he started to argue and she shook her head, pointing toward the staircase and the little boy sulked as he made his way up the stairs.

"What are you doing here?" Kathy asked, her eyes focused on Olivia and barely noticing Fin on the porch.

"Kathy…" Olivia began, "Is Elliot here? We really need to talk to both of you."

Kathy shook her head, "No…he's not here. Why don't you just tell me whatever you feel like you need to say…and I'll fill him in later."

Olivia stared at her, unsure of how to begin. Kathy was different than she remembered, heavier than the last time she'd seen her, and standing there with her arms crossed and a scowl plastered across her face, small lines formed around her eyes and lips…she looked old, frail…and Olivia wasn't sure she could handle breaking the news afterall. "I think you should call Elliot," she said gently. "He should be here…"

"No," Kathy shook her head, realizing they weren't there for a personal visit. "Tell me…what's wrong? Just tell me."

"It's Elizabeth," Fin said, gently putting his hand on her shoulder. "She was attacked…she didn't make it. We're so sorry…" Kathy looked at the floor, not speaking and they weren't sure she really understood what was happening. "Do you want me to call Elliot for you?" Fin offered. "Get him home…"

She looked up then, shaking her head, "No…" she cleared her throat and wrung her hands together, "How am I gonna tell the kids? What do you mean attacked...like _raped_? If you're here..." She looked at Olivia and for the first time, a tear fell down her cheek. "You can go…" she said. "Do I need to identify the body or something?"

"Not now," Olivia answered. "But Kathy…you should call El…"

"Don't tell me what I need to do!" Kathy yelled. "My daughter is _dead_…all you care about is Elliot."

"That's not true," Olivia insisted. "But he needs to know. He'll come home and find out you didn't tell him…"

"He's not coming home," Kathy argued. "We're divorced…have been for almost three years. I haven't seen him in at least six months. You go tell him if you're so damn worried about him."

"Six months?" Olivia asked. "Doesn't he come over to see Eli?"

Kathy shook her head, "I have full custody of Eli…not that it's your business."

"What?" Olivia couldn't believe her ears. "Why?"

"Ask him…" Kathy sputtered. "And get out. I need to talk to my son…about why the damn cops came to the door…and then I need to call the older kids. God…Richard is overseas…I'm not sure I'll be able to get him right away…"

"Kathy, we can help you," Fin offered. "We can talk to the kids if you want."

"No…" Kathy's voice shook. "Just leave…please…" She wrote something on a piece of paper and shoved it at Olivia. "Here…go find him and tell him his daughter died." She turned to walk up the stairs, "Let yourselves out."

"Kathy…" Olivia called after her. "I'm so sorry. I loved Elizabeth. We all did. If you need _anything_…"

"I need you to leave," she said tearfully.

"The baby's okay," Fin added. "She's little, but healthy. You can see her."

Kathy turned, a look of terror on her face, "The baby?" she asked. "What baby?"

"Lizzie's baby," Fin told her. "She was born via c-section earlier today. She's in the NICU."

"You didn't know?" Olivia asked, feeling even more confused by the situation.

Kathy shook her head, "I hadn't seen her in a few months. She doesn't…_didn't_…like coming home very much." She sighed, "What's gonna happen to the baby?"

"You're her legal guardian," Fin told her. "You and Elliot...at least until we find the father. Do you know if it was Lizzie's boyfriend?"

"I can't do this…" Kathy sobbed, "I just can't. Find her a home or something…there are lots of couples looking for babies, right?"

"Don't you want to see her?" Olivia asked.

"No…" Kathy cried. "I can't…just go…please." Then she walked up the stairs and out of sight.

Olivia looked at the paper with Elliot's address and took a deep breath. Fin put his arm around her shoulder, "We should go tell him," he said sadly.

Olivia shook her head, "No…I'll go." She brushed away a few tears that were sliding down her cheeks, "I'll go by myself."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Fin argued. "You don't know how he'll react. Sounds like things are pretty different now, Liv…you're not the friends you used to be."

"I know," she nodded. "And that's all the more reason for me to go alone."

**More to come...**


	3. Chapter 3

**I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who has been reading this. I said before that I am branching out a bit with this storyline, and I am glad to see people are enjoying it. I did see a review telling me that there is another story similar to this one on the board, and I swear that author and I are not copying one another. :) Besides, I think the route each story takes will be very different. Anyway, thanks so much for the reviews, favorites, follows...and especially for reading my work. It means a lot to me. Here is a little bit more.**

Olivia looked up at the rundown apartment complex, standing amid the decrepit neighborhood and sighed. Elliot lived here? It was the kind of place she'd expect to stake out on a case, not where she pictured her ex-partner…her ex-friend…to live his life. It was getting dark, and the few people on the street looked shady enough that she wondered if she should remove her gun from the holster before exiting the car. She wasn't afraid. She could take care of herself, but the thought of Elliot living in such a mess made her heart ache.

She reached for the door handle at least five times, none of them ending with her actually opening the door. She couldn't do it. She'd agreed to go with Fin to notify Kathy and Elliot…knowing it would be devastating to them, wanting to be there to help if they needed it…but Kathy's reaction wasn't what she'd expected and discovering Elliot wasn't living there anymore had been such a shock that she couldn't get her mind off of him. What had happened to him over the past few years? Was he the same person he'd been before he said good-bye to her forever? And she was angry with herself for asking these questions…they were based in the hope for answers she felt she needed for her own peace of mind…not about the reason she was supposed to be there. She had to tell Elliot his daughter was dead, and the fact that the memory of their history together was clouding her mind was proof she probably shouldn't be the one to do it.

She reached for her cell phone, planning to call Fin and admit he'd been right to insist on coming with her when she saw him…her ex-partner Elliot Stabler...walking down the sidewalk toward the apartment building. He was scruffy, with his shirt untucked and his jeans loose and baggy. Unshaven, his beard was speckled with gray although his hair still looked its usual brown and he was carrying a single grocery bag. Her first thought was that he looked like he was undercover, but she shook that thought from her mind reminding herself that he'd left the force at the same time he'd left her. This was him…the person he was now…and she exhaled slowly as she took in every inch of him. She watched him walk up the crumbling steps to the apartment complex and then he disappeared from her sight. She closed her eyes…immediately taken back to the last time she'd seen him. She'd been so stupid…

_"What are you doing here?" Elliot asked, opening the door and seeing her standing there, her eyes red with tears. _

_"I had to see you," Olivia stared at him, pushing her way into the house. She usually wasn't so brazen, but it was amazing the amount of confidence she could find at the bottom of a wine bottle, not to mention the three beers she'd downed with Fin at the bar earlier. She stumbled into the living room, looking around and noticing it was empty, "Where's Kathy?" she asked._

_"She took Eli to visit her folks," Elliot grabbed her, steadying her on her feet and staring into her eyes, "Are you drunk? God Liv…you came all the way to Queens drunk off your ass…"_

_"You wouldn't answer your phone," she said seriously, "Why won't you talk to me?"_

_"Liv…" he took her hand and led her to the sofa, sitting beside her. "I need time…I can't face everything at the precinct right now…and to be honest, this has been a long time coming. I love being with you every day…you have to believe that…but being with you was the only thing keeping me there. It was time to go."_

_"I miss you," she sputtered. "It's only been a few weeks…and I can't even think without you there. You didn't even tell me you were quitting." Her voice shook and rose with anger, "How could you just leave and not say anything to me? Cragen had to tell me…and I had to pretend like I was okay. Why would you do that to me?"_

_"I'm sorry…" he brushed away a tear that was sliding down her cheek. "I should have told you. I didn't want see your face when I did. It was wrong…"_

_"You're damn right it was wrong!" She stood up, heading for the door. "You don't care…" She opened the door and he grabbed her._

_"How did you get here?" he asked. "You didn't drive did you?"_

_"I took a cab…" she answered._

_His eyes widened, "God Liv…from Manhattan to Queens? That must've cost a fortune." He shook his head, knowing she wasn't thinking clearly. "Why don't you just sleep on the couch…for tonight…sober up a little."_

_"No," she argued. "I want to go home."_

_"Do you have money for a cab home?" he asked her._

_She opened her purse, pulling out a few random coins and a stick of gum, dropping most of the contents on the floor. "I guess I spent all my cash on the ride here," she groaned, bending over to pick up the things that had fallen out of her purse. Then she stood up and looked him in the eye, "I'll think of something." She pushed her way out the door._

_He ran after her, stopping her halfway down the walk toward the street, "What're you gonna do? Walk?" he laughed. "Just stay…"_

_"I can't…" she burst into tears and fell into him, letting him embrace her and not wanting to pull away._

_"Yes you can," he said gently. "It'll be okay. You need to sleep this off…things will look better in the morning." He knew she was hurting…that he was the one who had hurt her…and he hated himself for it. _

_"I can't…" she said again, finally pulling away from his arms and rubbing her red-rimmed eyes. "You don't understand…God, I've been so stupid…"_

_"Liv…you're not stupid," he insisted. "You're the smartest person I know…maybe you're not at your best right now…" he gave a teasing smile._

_"I love you," she blurted out, and gasped. "And I thought…" she cried. "I thought you did…"_

_"Liv…" his face dropped. "You need to go sleep…we'll talk in the morning…when you're thinking more clearly."_

_She shook her head, "I thought you loved me. I thought it was just something we both knew…even if we never did anything about it…" she sniffled. "But you left me…"_

_"Liv…" he knew he had to say something, but he didn't know what to say…especially not now, when she was standing on his front lawn, drunk, while half the neighbors were watching and knowing his wife was out of town. One of them had probably already called Kathy with a report. "Liv…stop…"_

There was tap at the window, and she was jerked back to the present. Olivia turned to see a uniformed officer at the window and she rolled it down and smiled. "Sorry…" she said. "Guess I was daydreaming."

"Ma'am…we've had some calls about a strange car in the neighborhood," the officer said seriously. "I ran the plates, I know this is a department issued vehicle. Do you need assistance?"

"No," she shook her head. "I'm here to notify a father about his daughter's death." She sighed. "I was just waiting for him to get home." She opened the door, "I just saw him go up…I was trying to get myself together…you know how hard these things can be."

"Yes ma'am," he said. "You need some backup?"

"No thank you," she smiled. "I'll be fine." She walked toward the apartment and slowly climbed the broken concrete steps to the front door. It wasn't even locked and she walked into the grimy entryway and down the hall toward the apartment number Kathy had scribbled down on the piece of paper she had in her hand. She took a deep breath, exhaling slowly and then softly knocking on the door. She almost hoped he wouldn't answer, but within a few minutes she could hear him on the other side and knew he was looking at her through the peep hole. It was probably a few seconds, but felt like an hour before she heard the locks click as he unbolted the door and opened it, standing face-to-face with her.

"What the hell do you want?" he asked, his voice angry and bitter. "You shouldn't be here, Olivia. You just shouldn't…"

"El…" she interrupted him, "I have bad news…I'm so sorry…"

**More soon...**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you so much for the awesome reviews...even the ones who think the story is ooc or that it doesn't make sense. It is a complicated story and it will all come together eventually. Here is some more...**

He didn't say anything…he just stared. She wondered if he was noticing how different she looked now, her darker hair, the few extra pounds she'd put on after the hellacious year prior, the bags under her eyes from not sleeping the night before when Noah had been up with a runny nose and cough. "Can I come in?" she asked, and he moved so she could make her way into the apartment.

"Excuse the mess…" he said, with a voice that was noncommittal. He didn't care why she was there. He just wanted her to go. She looked around the tiny apartment. There were empty beer bottles and fast food containers scattered across the coffee table and a pile of dirty clothes in the corner. Pillows and a blanket were spread across the faded green sofa, letting her know this one room was his whole living space. She looked into the tiny kitchenette and saw the grocery bag from earlier perched on the counter, a six pack of beer sitting beside it, one missing. He saw her looking toward the kitchen and picked up his open beer from the counter, "You want something to drink?" he asked, hoping she'd say no.

She shook her head, "Elliot…I'm working." She saw his eyes widen as he raised the bottle to his lips and took a long drink. "El…it's Lizzie…"

"No…" he shook his head and slammed the bottle down on the counter. "You can't just come here…you know that right? You have no business in my apartment…"

"Elliot…" she sighed. "Lizzie was attacked…"

"No..stop," his words were slurred and she wasn't sure if he was drunk or just distraught. "Stop saying that about her…"

"I'm so sorry…" she looked into his eyes, recognizing the pain in them that she hadn't noticed before. "Elliot, Lizzie died…earlier today…at Mercy…"

"Shut the fuck up!" he yelled, grabbing his bottle of beer and flinging it across the room. "How dare you…you think you can come here with some story like that…"

"It's the truth," Olivia said sadly. "I should have let someone else come…but I thought maybe it would be better if it came from me."

"If it came from _you_?" he shook his head. "Why? Because we're so close…I can fall apart in front of you or something? Just go…"

"El, Fin and I told Kathy…and she gave me your address. She was pretty shaken up," Olivia looked at the ground, not wanting to face him any longer. "I think you should go see her…and Eli…"

"Shut up!" he yelled again. "Who the fuck do you think you are? Stay out of my family business…"

"Okay, I'm sorry," she sighed. "But El…Lizzie…"

"Who did it?" he asked. "Did you find the son of a bitch…because I swear I'll kill him myself."

"We're looking for her boyfriend," Olivia told him. "But you have to stay out of this."

"She doesn't have a boyfriend…" he insisted, "And don't tell me to stay out of this. My daughter is dead…and I will kill the bastard with my bare hands if that's what it takes. Lord knows I can't depend on the NYPD to take care of this."

"Elliot…when's the last time you talked to Lizzie?" Olivia asked, wondering why neither of the girl's parents seemed to know anything about her life.

"I don't know…six, seven months ago." He walked into the kitchenette and opened another beer, taking a drink. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"Lizzie was pregnant," Olivia said gently. He took another drink, looking at her as if he expected more of an explanation. "Did you hear me? Your daughter was pregnant, El…and you didn't even know she had a boyfriend."

"Kathy probably told her not to tell me," he admitted. "Wouldn't want me flying off the handle…"

"Kathy didn't know either," Olivia told him.

That seemed to surprise him, and he walked to the door and opened it, "Can you go now?" he asked. "I need some time…"

"Elliot…Lizzie's baby…she's alive," Olivia told him. "She's premature…but she's in the NICU. She needs a family…"

"Lizzie's baby?" he asked, tears forming in his eyes for the first time in longer than he could remember. "Liz had…a baby?"

"A little girl…" Olivia forced a weak smile. "You and Kathy are her guardians legally…at least until we can find the father. She doesn't even have a name yet."

He stood there with his hand on the door frame and tears pooling in his eyes. "Did you tell Kathy?"

She nodded, "She wasn't ready to hear it," she said, not wanting to tell him that Kathy had asked them to put the baby up for adoption. "But your granddaughter…she needs her family. She's all alone up there, El…"

"My granddaughter," his voice faded and he closed the door. "Can you…uhm…" he stopped, not wanting to ask her for a favor but realizing he had no other choice, "Do you think you could give me a ride to Mercy?" he asked.

"I can do that," Olivia felt such relief that she had to hold in her smile. "How much have you had to drink?" she asked, still not sure if he was drunk or sober. "Do you need to…maybe clean up a little first?"

He nodded, "Let me take a shower…then I'll be fine," he walked toward the small door leading to the bathroom and turned to look at her, "Would you mind making some coffee?" he asked, motioning toward the kitchen area, "It's in the cupboard."

Olivia did smile then…a soft, sad smile, "Sure…I'll make coffee…" She walked toward the cupboard, listening to the shower in the next room and she closed her eyes, feeling better than she had in years. At least he was talking to her…that was a start. She opened the cabinet door, screaming when a small gray mouse jumped out at her.

"You okay out there?" she heard him call from the bathroom.

"I'm fine…" she yelled back, as she grabbed the coffee can and wondered how contaminated the container was from having rodents crawling all over it. "How did you end up here, El?" she whispered, as she washed the glass coffee pot as well as she could and opened the can and measured a scoop. "This is all my fault…" she sighed, thinking back to the last time they were in the same place together.

_She woke up to the smell of coffee and it made her sick. She sat up slowly, looking around and taking a moment to realize she was in Elliot's living room. Then it all came back to her…showing up at his place, telling him she loved him, trying to leave and giving in when he picked her up and carried her back into the house. She was wearing his Marine Corps t-shirt and a pair of shorts that were too big and she looked around for her own clothes, but she didn't see them anywhere. She had to get out of there._

_"Hey…you're awake," he smiled, walking into the living room with a cup of coffee and handing it to her, "Drink this…"_

_"No," she cringed, "I feel sick…"_

_"I'm not surprised," he sat next to her and put the cup on the coffee table. "How much did you drink last night?"_

_"Enough to put my college-self to shame," she put her aching head in her hands and sighed, "I need to go home. Where are my clothes?"_

_"In the washer," he said as she looked questioningly at him. "You threw up on them…and me…after I carried you into the house last night."_

_"Oh God," she groaned, embarrassed by her actions the night before. "I'm sorry, El…I'm so sorry…"_

_"It's okay," he squeezed her hand. "We all do stupid things sometimes." He smiled, "You want to take a shower? Maybe you'll feel better."_

_"Okay," she stood up, her legs feeling wobbly beneath her. "I swear I'm never drinking again…"_

_He laughed, "I'll believe that when I see it." _

_She walked upstairs to the bathroom, turning on the shower and looking in the mirror. Her hair was disheveled and her skin was a sickly gray. She looked through the cabinet, finding tooth paste and squirting a little on her finger, doing her best to rid her mouth of the taste of vomit and the fuzzy coating on her tongue. Then she gargled with the minty blue mouthwash and stepped out of her borrowed clothes and into the steaming shower. As the water ran down her body, all she could do was cry. She'd told Elliot she loved him. How could she do that? And even worse, he didn't say it back to her. He never would. She was an idiot to think he'd risk his family for her…and if it hadn't been for the alcohol she would've been smarter than to expect him to._

_She finally turned off the water, wrapping herself in a towel and grabbing a pony-tail holder from the counter. It was probably Kathy's, but maybe it belonged to one of the girls. At this point she didn't care. She pulled back her hair and wrapped the elastic band around it. Then she grabbed the clothes from the floor and pulled them on. There was a knock at the door and it startled her, "Are you okay in there?" Elliot's voice echoed from the other side. "You've been in there forever."_

_She opened the door, a fake smile plastered across her face. "I'm fine…thanks for letting me stay. I'm gonna go now." She tried to walk past him, but he grabbed her and wouldn't let her get by. "What are you doing?" she asked._

_"We need to talk…about last night," he said and then he pulled her into a kiss that she didn't expect and even though she didn't want to give into it, she couldn't stop herself. Finally he pulled away, looking at her and smiling, "I wanted to do that last night…but you were drunk and it would've been wrong."_

_"It's wrong now," she sighed, shaking her head nervously. "I need to go…we can't do this."_

_"You came here," he reminded her. "You said you missed me."_

_"I do miss you!" she yelled. "You've been gone for weeks…not responding to texts or answering your damn phone. Then yesterday Cragen calls me into his office and says you quit…just like that. How the hell am I supposed to just accept that, El? You chose to leave…and not to tell me."_

_"I told you last night…I'm sorry for that," he pulled her close. "I wasn't leaving you…I was leaving the job. I can't do it anymore."_

_"But we're not gonna see each other anymore," she cried. "And I can't imagine not seeing you every day. The thought of it…it kills me…"_

_"Me too," he brushed away her tears and kissed her again, guiding her toward the bedroom. He reached for the Marine Corps t-shirt, pulling it over her head and throwing her back on the bed. _

_"Don't…" she pushed him off. "We can't do this. Do you know how stupid this is?" but she couldn't resist his touch or his mouth brushing against her neck and she gasped, "El…"_

_He stopped and looked at her, so vulnerable beneath him and stopped, "You don't want to?" he asked. "I'm sorry, Liv…I thought…"he started to get up, but she pulled him closer._

_"No…I want to," she kissed him and didn't think about the shame she felt until it was over._

_An hour later they were curled up together in Elliot's bed…she bit her lip as he ran his fingers across her bare skin. "I've wanted to do that for a long time," he admitted and she laughed._

_"Me too," she said, sitting up and looking around the room for the first time. Kathy's robe was hanging on the back of the door. It was white with pink roses and Olivia couldn't help but think that she'd never worn anything with that kind of a print in her entire life. She glanced at the nightstand, where Elliot and Kathy's wedding photo stared back at her along with a photo of the kids taken at Christmas and she wanted to throw up. What had she done? As much as she'd always wanted Elliot…she'd never wanted to destroy his family. "El…" she sputtered. "This was wrong…"_

_In her heart, she wished he'd say it wasn't…that fate had brought them together and that they simply couldn't fight the urges anymore…not that they were horrible people who hadn't bothered to think of the consequences of their weak moment of passion. But he didn't say that. Instead he looked at her and his voice quivered, "I love my family, Liv."_

_"I know," she nodded. _

_"I'm sorry…" he kissed her and she pulled away. "I'm so sorry….I don't even know why…why I let this happen…"_

_"Let this happen?" she asked. "You wanted to…you started it…" she cried. "Damn you…"_

_Then they heard the front door slam and feet running up the stairs, "Dad…guess what? I got in…" Richard's voice called out and before either of them could move he'd pushed the door open, standing there with a college acceptance letter in his hand and a look of shock and disgust on his face. "What the hell…" the boy gasped and Olivia pulled the blanket around her, lowering her head in shame._

_"Dickie…" Elliot said, not sure what to say and throwing out the only thing that came to mind, "I thought you were spending the weekend with your friend?" Richard looked at the two of them, and then turned around and walked out of the room. "Oh shit…" Elliot stood up, grabbing his clothes and throwing them on as fast as he could. "This is bad…damn it Liv…" he looked angrily at her, "Get dressed and go home…now!" She picked up the clothes she'd borrowed from him, since hers were probably still in the washer and tried unsuccessfully to hold in her tears and she put them on. He looked at her, and closed his eyes, ashamed of more than he could say, "Liv…I'm sorry…this wasn't your fault. It was me…"_

_She shook her head, "I didn't mean for this to happen…for Dickie to find out…"_

_"I'll talk to him…and we'll see what happens," he wanted to hug her, to dry her tears but he knew he couldn't. Instead he asked, "Do you need money to get home?" remembering her empty purse the night before. She glared back at him, and he realized that she longed to hear him say "I love you" but instead he'd made her feel like a whore by offering her money and kicking her out...but he couldn't make himself say what she needed him to. "I'll call you later," he promised, even though he knew he wouldn't._

"Is the coffee ready?" he asked, emerging from the bathroom, his face freshly shaved and smelling slightly of cologne.

"Yeah," she cleared her throat and watched as he grabbed a cup from the cabinet and started to fill it. "You might want to wash that cup…you have mice."

He laughed, "You think I don't know I have mice." He took a sip of the coffee and winked at her, "I prefer to live dangerously."

"We should get going," she tried to push her memories from her mind, but all she could think about was how she had confessed her love for him at the most inopportune time…how he had made love to her, and then said he loved his family…and how he'd never once said he loved her back.

**More soon...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks again for all the reviews. I always like reading what people are thinking about what I've written. I understand that some are confused by Elliot's actions and Liv's lack of reaction to it, but trust me when I say there are reasons that have not yet been revealed. I tend to write in such a way that little bits and pieces are scattered throughout until the entire truth comes to light. That may not be everyone's preference, but it is my writing style and I appreciate those who are hanging in there until the end. That said...this chapter will most likely leave you with more questions, but I hope you like it anyway. :)**

Neither of them spoke a word on the way to the hospital, and they were both grateful for that. It wasn't the time or the place to dredge up the past. She pulled into the parking garage and they silently walked the stretch to the hospital entrance before she spoke, "Do you want to see Lizzie?" she asked sadly.

He stared back at her, trying to keep his face void of any emotion and nodded, "Yeah…"

She walked with him to the morgue and showed her badge to the employee on duty, before opening the door. "They'll be taking her to the ME's office later," she told him and she could hear his breathing change to a fast-paced panic. They'd seen so much in their line of work, and that knowledge made something like this even harder to stomach.

"Can you leave me alone with her?" he asked, his voice quivering and his eyes pleading.

She opened the door, "I'll be in the hall when you're ready." She stood outside the morgue, wishing she could help him through this, but knowing her presence was making everything so much more complicated. She leaned back against the wall, closing her eyes and trying not to think about anything. It seemed like hours before she heard the door squeak open again and she stood up and looked at him. His eyes were bloodshot and he'd obviously been crying, not that she'd expected anything different. She wished he'd been comfortable enough to cry in front of her. She wouldn't ask if he was okay, because she knew the answer, so she sighed, "You ready to see your granddaughter?" she asked.

"Yeah," he nodded and they walked toward the elevator, taking it to the NICU. The baby was asleep, her tiny chest rising and falling while oxygen was pumped into her. "I thought you said she was breathing on her own?" he asked.

"She was," Olivia looked for a nurse who quickly told them everything was fine, the baby had just had a little trouble earlier and needed extra help with her breathing but they'd probably be able to remove the tubes in a week or so. "This is her grandfather," she introduced the nurse to Elliot. "He's her guardian…he can make decisions for her."

The nurse smiled, "I'm glad she has someone to care for her," she said gently. "Does she have a name yet?"

He shook his head, "I should talk to my wife…ex wife…" he looked at Olivia and then back at the baby. "Kathy might know what Liz would've wanted to name her. They were closer than she was with me."

"You can touch her," the nurse offered. "Just put your hand through the opening on the side. She likes to be touched." She smiled and headed for the door, "Call me if you need anything."

Elliot sat in the chair next to the incubator and carefully put his hand through the side, stroking the baby's soft skin. He gave a weak smile, "She's beautiful…"

"Yeah…she is," Olivia agreed. "Her little nose reminds me of Lizzie's."

He nodded, "She looks like Liz when she was born, just smaller." He turned to her, "About earlier…at the apartment…I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that."

"It's okay," Olivia said seriously. "I should have sent someone else to notify you. I had no right to show up like that."

"She's so tiny," he said, changing the subject. "Do you know how much she weighs?"

"The nurse said almost five pounds…she was thirty-three weeks," she smiled at the baby. "She's a fighter…"

"Liv…do you ever think about it?" he asked, but he kept his eyes on the baby purposely avoiding eye contact with her. "About _our_ baby…what our baby would've looked like? Or do you just pretend like it never happened?"

His words caught her off guard, and before she could think of the best way to answer her phone beeped and she pulled it from her pocket, seeing a text from her sitter that Noah had a fever and was still coughing and wondering if she should give him more medicine. "I have to go, El…" she said. "I'm sorry…it's work…" she wasn't sure why she was lying, but in that moment that last thing she wanted to do was explain to Elliot about her son. "Do you have a way home…when you're done here?" she asked.

"I'll be fine," he answered. "I should call Kathy and get her up here anyway."

She walked as quickly as she could to the parking garage, feeling tremendous relief when she slid into the driver's seat, knowing she was alone. The smell of Elliot's cologne lingered in the air and she was suddenly so overwhelmed with emotion she put her head down on the steering wheel and sobbed.

_Two weeks…it had been two long weeks since she'd seen him…since they made the worst mistake of their lives and Elliot hadn't called like he said he would. She'd known he wouldn't, but it still hurt. What he had done was text her to tell her Dickie wasn't going to say anything. He didn't want to hurt his mother, but he'd made Elliot promise never to see his ex-partner again and Elliot felt like it was a reasonable request, at least for now._

_She was late for work and Cragen had been on her ass a lot lately anyway…saying she wasn't a team player and that she had to get out of her funk and do her job. She'd realized that morning that he was right. She was out of clean clothes for crying out loud, and had been forced to dress in a blue button up shirt that was wrinkled and apparently tighter than she remembered and the same slacks she'd worn the day before. She pulled her hair into a messy ponytail and by the time she was dressed she already knew she wouldn't get to work on time. Another reason for Cragen to come down on her…and sure enough she'd barely been there ten minutes before he called her into his office._

_He was hiring a new detective…someone to replace Elliot…and even though she tried to explain to him that it was easier for her to work alone than to teach someone new how they did things, he wouldn't listen. "Elliot isn't coming back, Liv," he said, like she didn't already know that…and then he told her if she wanted to keep her job she better pull herself together and learn to work with other detectives, ending the conversation by ordering her to clean out Elliot's desk, "We can't keep it as a shrine," he looked at her with pity and she wanted to cry. _

_So she stood there, putting Elliot's things into a single box and she felt sick to her stomach. She was tired…she was so damn tired…and as much as she wanted to blame it on him she knew it was her own fault. "You're better than this Olivia," she said to herself as she sorted through the files in his drawer. How had she let herself get so caught up in the hope that Elliot loved her? No one had ever loved her…not even him…and it was time she faced that. She didn't need anyone._

_That realization came with a sudden bout of nausea and dizziness that was like nothing she'd ever experienced before, and she took a deep breath, grabbing the rim of the box and leaning forward to steady herself. The dizziness passed in a few seconds, but the queasiness in the pit of her stomach seemed to linger. She looked at the picture on his desk…picking it up and running her finger across the glass. Elliot and baby Eli…he loved his family…he didn't love her…baby Eli…baby…_

_She swallowed hard, looking at the calendar on his desk, the consciousness of her situation hitting with full force. She should have started her period by now…maybe yesterday or the day before…_

_"Liv, we got something," Fin came over, handing her a paper and she looked at it, too confused to focus._

_"This is a disorderly conduct," she shoved it back at him, picking up the box, anxious to get out of the squad room and to the nearest drug store. She had to know just how royally she'd fucked up her life and Elliot's. "What's it doing in sex crimes?"_

_"He claims his basketball coach sexually abused him as a kid…says he wasn't the only one," he handed the paper back to her and she knew she wasn't going to leave anytime soon._

_It was late that night before she'd finally had a moment to herself…and sitting on the edge of her bathtub she stared, unable to take her eyes off of it as the small pink plus sign seemed to magically appear against the stark white of the pregnancy test strip. "Oh no…" she gasped. "Nooooooo…" This couldn't be happening. Elliot wouldn't even talk to her._

Her phone beeped again, and she raised her head from the steering wheel, drying her eyes and looking at the text. _Noah is crying for you…_ she read and quickly texted back, _I'm on my way. _She put her keys in the ignition and drove home to her little boy.

**More soon...**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks again for the reviews! They keep me motivated. I didn't plan to update so often with this story, but I am kind of addicted to writing it now. Here is some more...**

She was facing another night without sleep, but she didn't care. At least Noah's fever was down and he was sleeping finally. Fin had called, just after midnight to tell her they'd located Elizabeth's boyfriend…a college kid named Matthew Kelly who was hiding out at his parents' house in Jersey. They didn't have enough on him to make an arrest, but Nick and Amanda were staking out the family's house to make sure he didn't flee, and they'd bring him in for questioning in the morning. He asked her then about Elliot, how things had gone when she notified him and she didn't go into details. She told him Elliot had been upset and had gone to the hospital to see his daughter and stay with the baby. She didn't tell him about Elliot's living conditions or his appearance…and especially not that he'd been so angry to see her standing at his door. Fin didn't need to know everything.

She climbed into bed, wondering if she might be able to doze off for a half hour or so when she heard the baby crying from the next room. Obviously his sleep had been short-lived. She walked into the living room and picked him up from his crib, holding him close to her, "My poor baby…" she kissed him, grateful that his fever didn't seem to be rising. "You're gonna be okay my sweet boy." She sat in the rocking chair by the crib, holding him close to her and he fell back to sleep easily, but she knew if she put him back in the crib he'd wake up again, so she decided it would be better to just let him lay on her while she rocked him. She was a good mother…at least she hoped she was. Noah was her last chance…her last hope to show everyone, including herself that she deserved this kind of happiness. She closed her eyes and let her mind wander…

_She hated the new detective and he'd only walked into the room a minute ago. He was cocky and Cragen was gushing over him…how he'd made detective second grade in no time flat and how he'd taken down the MS13 case, like that was supposed to be impressive. Of course Rollins was fawning over the guy but she didn't like her either and so the fact that Cragen said they'd be mixing up partners lately left her hoping those two would end up partnered for good. They could be the next Benson and Stabler…the dynamic duo of SVU…and she could sit at her desk, getting fat and dodging the judgmental glances from everyone who was wondering who had knocked her up when she had absolutely no one in her life to depend on._

_She picked up her desk phone, not wanting Cragen to ask her to work with the new guy and tried to call Elliot. She'd already tried once that morning, but he didn't answer. She thought maybe if the call came from the precinct instead of her cell number he'd pick up, "Hey…it's me…" she whispered into the phone while Cragen sent the new guy off with Fin. "I need to talk to you. Can you please call me?" But she knew he wouldn't. She took a sip of the tea she'd bought on her way to work that morning, and avoided Rollins glancing at her from across the room. What was she staring at? _

_Olivia walked to the bathroom, tired of pretending like she was actually accomplishing something at her desk. She looked in the mirror and sighed. At least she looked presentable today. She'd done her laundry and curled her hair…she looked like her old self…but she wasn't. She put her hand on her stomach, and then she pulled her cell phone from her pocket and dialed Elliot's number again. It went directly to voicemail, letting her know he was declining her calls. "Damn it Elliot," she sputtered into the phone. "I need to talk to you. Please…" She put her phone back in her pocket and walked back to her desk._

_Fin and Nick were back. They were trying to convince Cragen that they had a case, and he threw the file on her desk. She picked it up, looking through it and wishing she was back in the bathroom. She felt sick, too sick to focus on the case, and she exhaled slowly while she looked over the paperwork and their voices blurred in the background. She interrupted them long enough to tell them that they couldn't make a case because the statute of limitations had run out…noticing they were looking at her as the voice of doom. Then Rollins blurted out something about the Coach having charges against him in Jersey and Cragen had fallen all over that information. The newbies were obviously better at the job than she was because right then all she could think about was how to keep herself from throwing up. Cragen went to his office to make some calls and once he was gone she made no qualms about running to the ladies room where she flung herself in one of the stalls, kneeling over the toilet and feeling like she was heaving up her insides._

_"Liv…" she heard Rollins calling from the other side of the bathroom door. "We need to go to Jersey…are you okay?"_

_"I'm fine…" she rinsed her mouth at the sink and dabbed at the make-up that had smeared under her eyes. So much for trying to look presentable. She pushed open the door, "I'm ready…" she walked past her and to the car._

_They spent the next few hours interviewing the mother of Richie Ramos, a teenage boy who'd committed suicide after making allegations against his basketball coach, and it was all she could do not to burst into tears. Why was she so damn emotional all of the sudden? By the time they made it home she was too tired to do anything but fall asleep._

_The next morning she'd woken up early…she thought maybe if she called Elliot before the sun came up he'd forget he was dodging her calls and answer, but it didn't work. So she decided to go ahead and go to work because she had nothing else to do. Standing in front of the coffee pot she poured a cup from the decaf side, hoping the idea of coffee would trick her body into thinking she was drinking caffeine. She was tired…so damn tired…_

_She listened while Nick and Amanda talked back and forth about the case, and something about Nick not eating donuts, and for some reason the whole conversation pissed her off. So she snapped off with a nasty comment just in time for Cragen to walk in and hear her. She couldn't catch a break lately._

_She sat down at her desk, sipping her coffee while Nick and Amanda filled Cragen in on the case. They didn't have anything new to go on, but they weren't giving up. The coffee made her feel sick and she realized she wasn't doing a good job of hiding it when Cragen walked over and sat down next to her, "You doing okay?" he asked and she shrugged, thinking maybe she should go ahead and tell him she was pregnant. She couldn't hide it forever, especially when she felt like shit most of the day and night, but she quickly realized he wasn't really checking on her wellbeing. Before she could even answer he sputtered, "Good…so, maybe you could help the new guys out a little, huh?" And he stood up and walked off. _

_She'd ended up partnered with the new guy all day, and that night as she lay in bed she had to admit he wasn't as bad as she thought. He'd stood back while she confronted the coach about the allegations against him, and even though she'd probably overstepped he didn't say a word. While they drove around interviewing possible victims he never asked her why she kept pulling out her cell phone and checking it every few minutes and didn't question her when she begged him to pull the car over, throwing open the car door and retching into the ditch. "I get carsick sometimes," she said, trying to cover and she wondered if he believed her. He just handed her a stick of gum and drove on. They had to meet with a big name basketball star the next day…another possible victim, and while she knew she should get some sleep she couldn't seem to drift off. She picked up her phone and dialed Elliot's number one more time…for the last time she promised herself…and when he didn't answer she buried her head in her pillow and cried._

_Her phone beeped, and she pulled her head from the pillow and looked at it. It was him…"stop calling" was all the text said and she was so angry she couldn't think straight._

_"I'm pregnant you son of a bitch…" she texted back and within a few minutes her phone rang. _

_She picked it up, "Hello…" she answered, suddenly nervous and unsure she could talk to him._

_"How the hell can you be pregnant?" she heard his angry voice on the other end and all she could do was shake and swallow the sobs that tried to escape her lips. "Liv…" he was calmer now, "I'm sorry…okay…just tell me what's going on…"_

_"I'm pregnant," she sputtered. "That's what's going on. I'm having a baby…"_

_"You can't be…" his voice quivered. "Liv…no…there's no way. Aren't you on the pill or something?"_

_She bit her lip, suddenly realizing that she was in this on her own, "No…I'm not on the fucking pill!"_

_"Why didn't you tell me that?" he asked, knowing he sounded like the asshole he was. It wasn't her fault…but this was the worst news he could get at the moment._

_"You didn't ask," she said, willing herself to stop crying. She wasn't giving him the satisfaction. "I just wanted you to know…I don't want anything…"_

_"You can't be that far along…" he interrupted. "Maybe you're just late. I mean you're older…things get…irregular…"_

_"I'm forty-three…not sixty," she said and then she put her hand gently on her stomach, praying her child couldn't sense her pain, "I took a test…it was positive…I'm going to the doctor next week…"_

_"Maybe it was a false positive," he suggested. _

_"Tell me that the next time my head is hanging over the toilet, El…" she couldn't hold in her tears any longer. "I'm pregnant…"_

_"Oh Liv…I'm sorry…" hearing her cry broke his heart. What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he make things better? "I'm so sorry…it'll be okay…we'll work this out…"_

_"Work this out?" she sniffled. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"_

_"I don't know," he admitted. "I guess…we'll have a baby…and I don't know…we'll find a way to make it work."_

_"What about your family?" she asked him. "Are you going to tell them?"_

_"I can't," he insisted. "No one can know about this…at least not right now…" She could hear him breathing deeply and then his voice shook, "Kathy doesn't know what happened…and I can't hurt her like that…I can't hurt my kids…"_

_What about her? What about their baby…wasn't their child one of his kids too? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, "I'll let you know how it goes at the doctor…" she sighed._

_"Do you want me to go with you?" he asked, and she hated him for trying to appease her._

_"No," she said, hanging up the phone. Then she leaned back on the bed and cried herself to sleep._

Noah's small cough jerked her awake and she patted his back gently. The fact that her most painful memories had made their way into her dreams didn't go unnoticed. The baby was warm again, and she carried him into her room, giving him a dropper of medicine and turning on the vaporizer to ease his cough. "My baby boy…" she sat on the bed, holding him in her lap. "I wish you felt better…" He curled into her and fell back to sleep.

**More to come...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Wow! Such great feedback from everyone. I appreciate it. Thank you for the reviews, follows, and favorites. I am glad people are enjoying the story. Here is some more...**

"What've we got?" Olivia rushed into the precinct sipping the coffee she'd picked up on the way and staring at Fin for answers.

"This guy's a real piece of work," he told her, as they walked toward the interrogation room. They looked through the window while Nick and Amanda attempted to get a confession from the suspect, a twenty-something with long brown hair and tattoos covering half his body. "He already admits to being with Lizzie yesterday. Says they were fighting because the baby isn't his…"

"Lizzie was with _him_?" Olivia asked in disbelief. "God…Elliot would've killed that guy." She looked at Fin and sighed, "No wonder she never told him. Did he confess to killing her?"

"Not yet," Fin looked at her as she rubbed her temples. "You doing okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," she forced a smile, "I'm just tired. It was a long day yesterday…and Noah's sick…he kept me up most of the night."

"You should go home," he told her with concern. "Get some sleep while the sitter is there to keep an eye on him."

She shook her head, "If I walk in the apartment, he'll only want me anyway. Besides, he's feeling better today and I'm used to going without sleep. I'll be fine." She motioned toward the window, "Do you mind staying and watching…I think I might go up to the hospital and check on the baby."

He nodded, "Is Elliot still up there?" he asked.

"I don't know," she shrugged, as she walked off.

She hoped he was gone. Seeing him for the first time in so long had brought back so many memories that she'd preferred to forget, although if she were honest with herself she'd recognize not a day went by that she didn't think about it. Elliot had been her everything…for more years than she cared to admit…and then suddenly he wasn't. He was gone and he didn't care about her…he never cared about her…and even now she had a hard time accepting that.

She walked into the NICU, showing the new nurse on duty her badge and asking to see the baby. "She has a visitor," the nurse smiled, and Olivia knew she wasn't going to escape Elliot this time. She plastered a phony smile on her face and opened the door to the room, surprised to see Kathy sitting at the baby's bedside, Elliot nowhere around.

"Kathy…" she said, not sure how to continue. "I'm sorry…" she started to turn around and leave, but Kathy stopped her.

"You can stay," she said, her voice weak and tearful. "Elliot went to get coffee…he's been gone over an hour…he's having a hard time…"

"Yeah," Olivia nodded and walked further into the room.

"He drinks…" she looked up and Olivia could see how swollen her eyes were from crying. "A lot…" she cleared her throat. "I don't know how long it's been since he went this length of time without drinking…"

"I didn't know," Olivia admitted.

"Well you do now," Kathy sighed. She looked at the baby, putting her hand through the side of the incubator and letting the tiny girl grasp her finger. "He wants to keep her…what the hell is he thinking?"

"Maybe that she's a part of Lizzie…" Olivia offered sadly.

Kathy shook her head, "I can't do this again. I can barely take care of Eli. I work all the time just to pay the bills. I can't take on a baby."

"Maybe Elliot can help more…" Olivia suggested and Kathy's face dropped.

"Elliot?" she snickered. "Olivia…are you really that blind? He's a drunk…he lives in a hellhole…he doesn't have a job…I don't even know how he manages to stay off the streets."

Olivia sat down then, taken aback by the words Kathy was flinging at her. She knew things were bad, but she hadn't let herself realize how bad. Kathy was right…she had blinded herself to the truth. "Is that why you have sole custody of Eli?" she asked.

"Unless he gets his act together, Kathy sputtered. "He's never seeing my son again."

"I think he'll try," Olivia couldn't imagine Elliot not wanting to get better. "He loves his family…"

Kathy stared angrily, "Are you serious? He loves _us_?" she shook her head. "He loves you! _You_ did this to him. He was never the same…How _could_ you?" She saw the look on Olivia's face and laughed bitterly, "You thought I didn't know…didn't you? God," she sighed. "You really are naïve…he wanted to leave me for you and that baby. And you just threw it all away." She stood up, grabbing her purse and walking toward the door, "I loved my daughter…and I wish I could take care of my grandchild…but I can't. I love her enough to give her to people who can."

Olivia watched her go, her words stinging like a knife. _He wanted to leave me for you and that baby…You just threw it all away…_

_They'd finally put the case to rest a week ago, but not before the victim ended up dead and a pro basketball player had been forced to admit to years of abuse in front of millions on fans on national television, and while Olivia wanted to feel bad that so many people had been hurt, all she could think about was her own pain. She was hurting…her heart was broken…and if Alex Cabot told her she was "sorry about Elliot" one more time she was going to throw something at her. She had no idea how sorry she should be._

_Things were slow and she needed time off. Time to sleep…time to think…"I need a few days…" she stood in Cragen's office and he looked up at her briefly and then back down at his work. _

_"Okay," was all he said, and she wondered why he hadn't asked her the reason. She didn't know what she would have said if he had, but in her heart she knew she wanted to tell someone about the baby…wanted someone to share this secret with her…to tell her things would be okay. Obviously he wasn't the one._

_She spent the next two days in bed, physically and emotionally exhausted. On the third day she finally made her way out of the apartment, stopping at the pastry shop down the street for onion bagels, which she normally hated but had an unbelievable craving for, and then to the doctor's office where she filled out mounds of paperwork on her medical history and what she knew about Elliot's. She almost texted him to ask questions, but decided against it. She didn't need him._

_The appointment had been faster than she expected. A routine exam, some bloodwork, some poking and prodding…and then finally an ultrasound to check on the baby's progress. "Everything looks great for six weeks," the doctor smiled, pointing to the screen and Olivia wanted to cry. She was looking at her baby…her very own child…and it was fine. "Heartbeat is measuring 90 beats a minute…that's good at this point…sometimes we can't even detect it this early." Then she gave Olivia a lot of information about genetic testing, and managing pregnancy symptoms, finally handing her a copy of the ultrasound photo and sending her on her way._

_She jumped in a cab, staring at the photo as they drove down the busy street. So what if it didn't really look like a baby yet…she loved this little person more than she'd ever loved anyone. Out the window she saw a shop, a little boutique with baby items, and she asked the driver to drop her there. She walked inside and felt overwhelmed by all the baby clothes, toys, and furniture. She chose a picture frame, white porcelain with tiny baby shoes adorning the side and decided she'd use it for the ultrasound photo until she could replace it with the baby's first picture. When she was standing in line to pay for it, something else caught her eye…a little blue onesie with I Love Mommy printed on the front. She reached out and touched the soft fabric and she could picture her baby in it. So she bought it along with the frame and went home._

_She put the ultrasound photo on her nightstand…she could fall asleep looking at it every night and wake up to it in the morning. A reminder that she was important to someone…her child needed her and she couldn't forget that. This baby was the one true love of her life. She picked up her phone, not really wanting to call Elliot even though she'd said she would. Hearing the disappointment in his voice would ruin her happiness and she didn't want to give him that power…not today. So she texted him… "The doctor says the baby is fine…due May 4__th__." And she was surprised when he replied right away._

_"I'm glad the baby is okay," she read, followed by, "How are you feeling? Are you still sick?"_

_She sighed, "I'm fine…" she texted back and was relieved when he didn't reply back._

"That cafeteria is a mess…I ended up having to go across the street to the bodega," Elliot's voice echoed in the room and he looked shocked when he found Olivia there instead of his ex-wife. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I came to check on the baby," she said, standing up and walking over to him. She could smell the booze, and he wasn't dumb enough or drunk enough to think she couldn't. "What's in your cup?" she asked.

"It's a _coffee_ cup, Olivia" he sighed, pushing past her and back toward the incubator. "How's she doing?"

"She's hanging in there," Olivia sighed. "El…you can't drink in here. Just go home…"

"You can't tell me to leave," he said, raising the cup to his lips and taking another drink. "I'm her family…"

"And it doesn't matter who you are," Olivia told him. "No one can drink up here. If you can't stay sober long enough to sit up here with your granddaughter, then go home…"

"Are you calling me a drunk?" he asked. "Who the hell do you think you are?"

"El…I don't want to fight with you," she sighed. "But if you don't leave…I'll have to call social services. She needs someone to look out for her…and I'm not sure that's you…not right now…"

"Fuck you," he threw his cup in the trash and put his face as close to hers as he dared, "You're _not_ taking my granddaughter from me!"

She was scared of him…and she'd never really felt that way before. She'd been hurt by him, shocked by him…but never afraid. "I don't want to," she said seriously. "But you need to get yourself together before you can help her."

"I'm fine," he stepped back, calming down. "I know I shouldn't have gone to get a drink…but it's hard up here. My daughter is gone…and her baby is so sick…" His eyes were tearing up and she could tell he was doing all he could not to cry, "I'm not a drunk…I swear…I just needed something to take the edge off…please don't take her away…"

"Go home," Olivia said gently. "You've been here all night…you need some sleep…" she handed him some wadded up bills and he looked at it with shame. "Take a cab…that'll be enough for you to get home. When you feel better…I'll bring you back to see her…"

He didn't say anything, but walked to the door, stopping to look at his cup in the trash and for a moment she thought he was going to pick it back up, but he didn't. He looked back at her, "Kathy doesn't want her…" he said sadly. "I'm the only person she has…"

"I know…" Olivia said, sitting next to the incubator while Elliot pushed the door open and left. She turned to the baby, watching her chest rise and fall. "What a mess…" she whispered, forcing a weak smile as the baby opened her eyes and looked at her. "Hi there little one…" she said as the baby stared at her with bright blue eyes. "I'm gonna make sure you're taken care of," she promised. "I'm gonna make sure you're loved."

**More to come...**


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks again for the reviews. I am glad people are enjoying the story. Here is a little more. I don't have much writing time during the week, but hopefully this weekend I will be able to post much more. **

"I don't think this guy is the baby's father," Fin said when Olivia sat down at her desk. He handed her the file and she looked through it. "He claims Liz was raped…then tried to pass the baby off as his. When he asked for a DNA test, she threw a fit and told him to go to hell. Things got heated…and he went too far…"

"So he admits to killing her?" Olivia asked hopefully. "He said he did it?"

"Yep…says he was doing drugs with some buddies when she came in from class," Fin explained. "She mouthed off to him…he got pissed…they fought. He says he threw her down and had sex with her…"

"He _raped_ her," Olivia interrupted. "Does he realize that?"

"He does now," Fin assured her. "Said after the rape, she was crying that she was calling her dad..that he used to work sex crimes and would take care of things. He claims he grabbed a knife off the kitchen counter and stabbed her just to shut her up, but then she started crying about the baby…" He shook his head, "the guy says he couldn't stand knowing she was carrying someone else's baby…so he decided to kill them both…"

"Oh God," Olivia ran her fingers through her hair. "Poor Lizzie…what she went through…"

"Yeah," Fin nodded. "She had to be scared to death. Knowing she was dying…and thinking her baby was dying too…no mother should have to deal with that."

Olivia sighed, "She was so young…so damn young…she had her whole life ahead of her."

"The guy says all she cared about was that baby," Fin told her. "He did tell me she was supposedly raped by her psychology professor…but that's nothing more than hearsay…"

"Well look into it," Olivia insisted. "We can check the professor's DNA against the baby…Matthew Kelly's too…we need to know who fathered that little girl…and if it was in fact a rape."

"How'd it go at the hospital?" Fin asked.

Olivia shrugged, "The baby is stable. Kathy was there…she said again that she wants to give her up for adoption."

"What's Elliot say about that?" He asked.

"He wants to keep her," Olivia forced a weak smile. "He loves that baby…but he can't take care of her. He has…_issues_…"

"What kind of issues?" Fin asked seriously.

Olivia shook her head, "Nothing…" she looked back at the file on her desk, "I better get this done so the DA can start on the case."

Fin looked at her, knowing she was keeping something from him. She was covering for Elliot…just like the old days…and it worried him. "You take care of yourself," he said as he walked to the door. "You're tired…Noah's been sick…don't use up all your energy on Elliot…okay?"

Olivia nodded, "Don't worry…" she said as he walked out the door.

_She felt fat. How could she feel so fat already? At seven weeks, the baby was only the size of a blueberry, and yet she'd struggled to button her pants that morning. She looked in the mirror, trying to decide if leaving her blouse unbuttoned with a tank top underneath hid the fact that it wouldn't fasten easily around her chest, and deciding none of the people she worked with would look at her long enough to notice anyway. She put her hand on her stomach and sighed, "You're already trying to make people pay attention to you, aren't you?" She laughed. The pregnancy book she'd bought on the way home from work the day before mentioned bloating in early pregnancy, but right now she preferred to attribute the bulge to her child rather than water weight and gas. She looked at the ultrasound photo on her nightstand and smiled, rubbing her hand over her stomach once more. "You'll just have to be Mommy's little secret a while longer…"_

_She walked toward the station when her phone beeped and she looked at it, assuming it was Cragen telling her they had a case, and surprised to see it was Elliot instead. She hadn't heard from him since her doctor's visit and at this point she'd given up on the thought of it. He had his own family…and this baby was hers. "We need to talk…" was all the text said and she groaned when she looked at it. Those words never meant anything good. She put her phone back in her pocket and decided not to respond, at least for now._

_An hour later she was sitting at her desk, trying to convince herself that she wasn't starving and nauseous at the same time, when Cragen walked in with a priest. Seeing the man standing there reminded her of Elliot..his devotion to the church and the clergy…and she realized she'd never texted him back. She was about to excuse herself and head to the vending machine for a snack and to text Elliot back when she realized she wasn't going to be doing anything other than going out on a case. A thirteen year old pregnant Catholic school girl…it made her want to cry._

_She grabbed her jacket, mentally preparing herself for talking to the girl when Cragen surprised her. "Amaro…why don't you go with her," he said in a way that let them both know it wasn't a suggestion but an order._

_The last thing she needed was the new guy looking over her shoulder, "Captain…she's thirteen…" she tried. "She doesn't need two detectives in her face. She'll be overwhelmed." But she knew her excuse wasn't going to work. Cragen just sputtered something about the girl's grandmother speaking Spanish and how Amaro's Spanish was better than her's and sent them on their way._

_She jumped in the driver's seat before he could…she wasn't even sure why. She didn't really want to drive, she just didn't want him to. Besides, he probably didn't even know where the Child Advocacy Center was. "I know you didn't want me to come," Nick looked at her as she drove down the street. "I'll just talk to the grandma…you can deal with the girl."_

_Olivia sighed, glancing at him. "My Spanish is just fine," she insisted, but then she realized he was trying to get along with her despite her desire to be difficult. It wasn't his fault Cragen was shoving him down her throat. "But you can talk to the grandma…she's got to be in shock."_

_Casey was there when they arrived, and Olivia was relieved it wasn't Alex. She couldn't handle anymore questions about Elliot. As they walked down the hall, they went over the information they had and Casey told them the girl wouldn't talk about what happened. Seeing the girl sitting there, clinging to her grandmother, she wasn't sure they'd get anywhere. "Can you just give me a minute…" Nick looked at them and at first Olivia thought he was going to leave, but then he continued with "Aside from the Spanish, Abuelitas love me." He walked over and introduced himself the the girl and her grandmother, and she knew he was just appeasing her in the car when he said he'd stand back and let her deal with the girl. _

_"He's you new partner?" Casey asked._

_Olivia looked at her and shook her head. She didn't have a partner…not anymore…and she didn't need people trying to throw Amaro in her face. "Oh no…" she sighed. "I'm just showing him the ropes." She didn't have a partner…_

_Amaro took the grandmother in another room and Olivia was alone with the girl. Thirteen year old Ella seemed like a normal middle-schooler, and her situation made Olivia's heart ache. What was going to happen to this girl now? She sat across from her and listened while the girl insisted she'd never had sex with anyone and Olivia knew she was scared. "Someone got you pregnant." She said, thinking the girl would tell her once she realized Olivia knew the truth, but the girl didn't budge. _

_Sitting at the table, trying to convince the girl to tell her what had happened, she felt like she was losing her knack with the victims. Maybe it was because she was tired, or the fact that she was trying to hold off her morning sickness…but this girl could sense Olivia's full focus wasn't on her and she knew it. She tried again, "You can tell me…and whoever hurt you will never be able to hurt you again." She tried to persuade her._

_"It was God," the girl said seriously. "I didn't have sex. This baby is a miracle."_

_Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. This girl was grasping at anything to protect the man who had raped her and it broke her heart. She thought about her own baby…how she considered her child to be a miracle…and she realized she had more in common with this thirteen year old than anyone would suspect. _

_She let Nick drive back to the station. She pulled out her phone, responding to Elliot's text. "Call me later…" she texted quickly before putting the phone back in her pocket._

_Her head hurt, and she leaned against the car door closing her eyes. She probably would have fallen asleep if Nick hadn't insisted on talking and keeping her awake. "That grandmother is a piece of work…" he said. "The whole time we talked she kept telling me how Ella's mother was wild and she had raised her granddaughter to be a good girl."_

_Olivia opened her eyes, still keeping her head against the window, "She is a good girl…she's confused. Someone hurt her…"_

_"She told you her baby was conceived immaculately," Nick snickered. "That isn't your typical response…"_

_"Catholic school…" Olivia sighed. "She's clinging to the only thing she knows that would make being pregnant at her age acceptable…"_

_"I don't know," Nick shook his head._

_"What?" Olivia laughed, "You think she's carrying the child of God?"_

_"No, of course not," Nick rolled his eyes. "But there is something going on here…something we don't know."_

_"Yeah…" Olivia agreed. She exhaled slowly, putting her hand on her stomach and willing herself to feel better. She wondered if Ella felt as miserable as she did and thinking of such a young girl having to put her body through all of this made her tear up a little._

_"You okay?" Nick asked, and she realized then that he was staring at her. She took her hand off her stomach and nodded, unconvincingly. "You need me to pull over? Are you gonna get sick?"_

_"I'm fine…" Olivia insisted. Then she saw a coffee shop on the corner. "Can we stop there?" she asked. "For coffee…" He pulled into the coffee shop and she ran out of the car and into the restaurant where she rushed urgently to the ladies room and emptied her stomach. Damn Cragen making her work with the new guy all the time. She'd never be able to keep her secret at this rate._

_She stood at the mirror, trying to hide the signs that she'd been sick when her phone beeped again. She looked at it, "How are you feeling?" Elliot's text seemed to mock her._

_"Fine…since I just threw up half my insides…" she texted back and walked out of the bathroom, surprised to be face to face with Nick._

_"I came in to check on you," he said, nervously. "You've been in here a while." He had two cups of coffee in his hands and offered one to her._

_She shook her head, "No thanks…I don't think I want coffee afterall."_

_He gave her a weak smile, "It's decaf…" he said knowingly, forcing it into her hand and following her back to the car. When they were both inside she took a sip and he looked at her, "Does Cragen know?" he asked and she looked at him questioningly. "That you're pregnant? He doesn't…does he?"_

_She was going to lie, but she was sick of the secrets. "I don't want anyone to know…" she admitted._

_"Fair enough," He pulled out on the street and headed back to the station. _

"Do you have the paperwork done?" Nick pushed open the door to her office and walked in. She looked up at him with surprise, "I knocked," he explained. "But you didn't answer."

She nodded, "It's okay." She looked back over the paperwork, handing it to him. "I'm glad you got the guy…"

"Me too," he forced a smile. "Liv…I'm sorry. I know how much Elliot's family meant to you…means to you. How did it go when you went to see him yesterday?"

"Pretty much the way I expected," she admitted. "But he needed me…and I was there…that's the important thing."

Nick shook his head, sighing, "Yeah…he needed _you_ and _you_ were there. That's more than I can say for _him_…"

"Nick don't," she argued. "You don't know everything about us…"

"I know enough," he insisted. "And I hate him for what he did to you."

"It was my fault," she felt a tear slide down her cheek and quickly wiped it away. "But the past is the past…and I'm over it…we all have to move on…"

"You don't get _over_ something like that, Liv," he told her, and she knew he was right. She'd never get over it.

"Take the paperwork and file it," she said, changing the subject. "Let's get this guy behind bars, where he belongs."

**More soon...**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks so much for all the reviews! I'm honored that so many people are reading and enjoying this story. I recognize there is some fear out there about what happened with the baby, but I am not going to post an author's note to address it as one reviewer suggested. It will all be answered in time...trust me. Thanks again for motivating me to continue this. It means a lot!**

"Who the hell are you?" Matthew Kelly looked up with frustration when Olivia walked into the room. He'd already confessed. He didn't need someone else coming in to interrogate him. Underneath the tattoos and bitter complexion, he was nothing more than a scared kid.

"Sergeant Benson," Olivia said, walking over to him and looking down at him. "I need to ask you some questions about Elizabeth Stabler." She'd gone over his statement a million times, but before they took him to arraignment, she had to hear it for herself. This man had killed Elliot's daughter, and she had to hear why.

"I already told those other cops everything," he groaned, contorting his face as if he were in pain. "Why can't this just be over?"

"Why can't this be _over_?" she snickered. "You brutally murdered a twenty year old girl…you nearly killed her unborn child. That baby is fighting for her life in the hospital, and what will people tell her when she grows up? Your daddy killed your mommy and tried to kill you too?"

"It's a girl?" he asked, and Olivia noticed the concern on his face.

She nodded, "A very small and sick little girl," she told him.

"She's not mine," he insisted. "I'm not her dad." He looked away from her, and Olivia noticed the tears in his eyes. "Liz…she wanted to keep her…and I said okay, but then I just couldn't do it."

"So you killed her," Olivia shook her head. "Now you wanna cry about it…"

He looked at her and shook his head, "I was high…my friends brought over all sorts of stuff...I'm not even sure what all I was on…"

"Well why don't you tell me what happened then?" Olivia sat down at the table. "Let me hear your version."

The young man looked at her, his hands shaking against the metal table. "I was at the apartment, she came in and said she saw her psych professor and he asked her about the baby…"

"The psych professor that you told Detective Tutuola had raped Lizzie?" she asked, trying to get some clarification.

He nodded, "It happened maybe eight months ago…right after we started dating. She was struggling in psych and he offered to tutor her if she came in during his office hours, but Liz worked to pay for her schooling. Her mom couldn't afford it…and her dad's a mess…"

Olivia sighed, "Go on…"

"So when he heard that, he said she could come over to his place after work," Matthew's face sickened. "We were still living in the dorm then and when she came home, her clothes were torn. She had bruises. She said he forced her to have sex with him and then told her she didn't need any more help with psychology because she'd already earned her A."

"What happened next?" Olivia asked sadly.

"I told her to call the cops," he sputtered. "But she wouldn't. She said her dad used to work sex crimes before he got so messed up, and there was too much history there to get you all involved. She said she couldn't make her dad face all of that again…couldn't force her mom to deal with the police cause her dad had screwed his old partner and ruined their marriage…so she just dropped psych and tried to forget about it." Olivia closed her eyes, realizing Lizzie had kept her rape a secret to protect Elliot and Kathy from her. Another victim of her horrific mistakes. "It was probably a month later that she started getting tired all the time and feeling queasy for no reason, and she knew she was pregnant. We both knew it wasn't mine, because we'd never even slept together. She asked if we could say the baby was mine…and I agreed because I didn't want her to be in trouble and on her own."

"So you knew the baby wasn't yours?" Olivia asked. "But you told the detectives earlier that you asked Liz for a DNA test and she refused and that set you off…"

"I wanted her to get one so she could go after her professor," he insisted. "I loved her…I wanted her to get what she deserved from that bastard!"

"But you killed her…" Olivia reminded him.

"I know…" he burst into tears, unable to control himself. "I didn't mean to…"

"But she's gone…and that's on you," Olivia said.

"We'd been fighting, for months really," he explained. "I wasn't ready to be a dad. And Liz loved that baby more than anything…more than me. How could she love that baby so much when it was his? He hurt her and she wanted to have his child?" he yelled. "At first she said she'd give it up, but then she just came in one day and announced we were keeping it."

"Her parents didn't even know she was pregnant," Olivia told him.

"She didn't want them to know," he told her. "She said she'd give the baby up and they'd never have to know…but then she decided to keep it. And she wanted me to be a dad. I couldn't do that. And when she came in and said she'd seen the psych professor…she said he offered her money to give up the baby if she had proof it was his…a lot of money, and I wanted her to get the DNA test and take the money but she said she couldn't. And I was so high…so screwed up…I just grabbed her and made her give me what she'd given him. All the time I pretended like that kid was mine and she still hadn't had sex with me…and when I was inside her she kept screaming that I was going to hurt her baby and that she was calling her dad and he'd call his cop friends to lock me up for good. She wouldn't call when I asked her to, to put the professor away…but she'd call to lock me up? So I grabbed a knife…and the rest of it is a blurr. There was so much blood…"

Olivia cleared her throat, staring into his face. He'd killed Elizabeth, and he had to pay for that…but part of her could see his role as a victim in this mess as well. He was a stupid kid, in over his head, and there was no doubt in her mind that none of this would have happened if he hadn't been doing drugs that day. One stupid choice that could change things forever.

"I can't believe she's gone…" he sobbed. "I deserve whatever happens to me. I'm glad the baby's doing good…I really am…"

"I need the name of that psych professor…" was all Olivia could manage to say.

_Sitting in front of the TV, scarfing down a bowl of cereal was hardly the way she wanted to spend her evening, but it was pretty much all she had the energy for. She looked over her notes from the interview with Ella, from Nick's interview with the grandmother…and she couldn't find anything that pointed her in the direction of the girl's rapist. She lifted the spoon to her mouth, just as her phone rang and she noticed it was Elliot. She'd forgotten he thought they needed to talk._

_"Hello…" she answered, her mouth full as she tried to swallow the cereal quickly. _

_"Hungry?" he laughed, and she was relieved he seemed to be in a good mood. "Sorry I interrupted your dinner…"_

_"Nah…" she said, putting down the bowl. "It's just a bowl of Cheerios…nothing to interrupt."_

_"You're eating Cheerios for dinner?" he asked. "Cravings?"_

_"Believe me, I am not craving cereal," she laughed. "But I have no food in the apartment and I didn't get to the store. Besides, I need to watch what I'm eating. Either I'm getting fat or this baby is going to be a giant."_

_"I seriously doubt both of those things," he said. "You know sometimes women have some digestive issues at this point that can make you look bigger…it'll go away in a few weeks."_

_"Yeah…thanks for the tip," she didn't know why, but she was irritated and her tone reflected that. What right did he have to give her pregnancy advice? He hadn't been there since the baby was conceived._

_"Liv, I'm sorry," he said gently. "I didn't mean to upset you. If you think it's the baby, it probably is…"_

_"I know it's not the baby," she sighed. "I know I'm bloated and my stomach hurts…okay. It's just a nice reminder that I'm not all alone." She felt vulnerable admitting that to him, but it was the truth. "What did you want to talk about anyway?"_

_"Maybe we could go to dinner?" he suggested. "Kathy took the kids to a charity silent auction at church tonight and she won't know if I slip out for a couple of hours. We can talk about it over dinner."_

_Olivia took a deep breath, wondering what she'd gotten herself into. "El…it's probably not a good idea."_

_"Come on…you're hungry…" he reminded her. "What sounds good? Anything you want…I owe you one…"_

_He owed her way more than one, and that was all she could think about, but she was hungry and she wanted to see him…even if it was just to tell him good-bye. She couldn't sneak around with him and she couldn't keep her child a secret either. "Chinese…" she said, knowing he was smiling on the other end of the line. "Sweet and sour pork and egg rolls," her mouth was drooling at the thought and she couldn't help but smile. _

_"Okay," he laughed. "I'll be there in half an hour or so…"_

_She hung up the phone and looked down at her sweats, sighing as she let her hand rest on her stomach, "Guess we should get dressed up for Daddy…" she said, stopping and reminding herself that this child was hers and hers alone. She couldn't depend on Elliot…and no amount of Chinese food was going to change that. She picked up her cereal bowl, drinking the milk and then throwing it in the sink._

_Forty-five minutes later she was wearing a knee-length blue dress with stunning silver pumps, her hair hanging down in loose curls, and the slight scent of her perfume dangling in the air, when there was a knock at the door. "Thank goodness," she said, opening the door. "I was gonna waste away…" she laughed, but stopped when she saw an older Chinese man at the door instead of Elliot. "Oh…sorry…" she sighed. "I thought you were someone else." He had a bag in his hands and she realized he was delivering food, "I think you have the wrong apartment…" she began, but he handed it to her along with a note._

_"He said to give you this," the man said, his accent heavy. "It's paid for…" and he walked off._

_She sat the bag on the stand by her door and opened the note. It was written in unfamiliar handwriting, probably by whomever had taken the order and she shook her head. "I can't make it. Something came up. But this is for you and the baby."_

_"Fuck you Elliot," she felt herself tearing up and she was mad she'd let herself expect anything from him. She slammed her door, picking up the bag of food and taking it into the kitchen, grabbing a plate and fork and then falling into her spot on the couch. She wanted to throw it away, take a stand, make a statement…but she was starving and there was no need to deprive the baby because Elliot was a jackass. She put a mound of rice on the plate, taking a bite of the eggroll while she opened the other container. "This is sweet and sour chicken…" she groaned, pouring it on top of the rice and taking a bite, damning Elliot for not even getting her cravings right. She put the plate down on the coffee table, picking up her phone and texting, "Where the hell are you? You sent a seventy year old Chinese man to tell me you're not coming?"_

_She didn't expect him to respond, and was surprised when he did so quickly. "Kathy and the kids came home early," she read. "They won a free pizza dinner at the silent auction, and wanted to go tonight. I'm sorry."_

_She was the one who was sorry. Sorry she had expected anything from him…sorry she'd ever thought he could love her…sorry she'd gotten drunk and gone to Queens that night…most of all she was sorry she was sitting there missing him and hating him for choosing his family over her, when she'd never expected anything else. She had so damn much to be sorry about. "Have fun…" she texted back. Then she kicked off her heels, and pulled her legs up under her, clicking on the TV and sitting alone in her fancy dress eating Chinese food she didn't even like._

"Find this guy," Olivia handed Amanda a file and the blonde opened it questioningly. "Mitchell Gothe, the psych professor," Olivia said. "Matthew Kelly finally gave me his name. Find out if he is that baby's father…and get whatever you can on him to charge him with rape."

"I'll do what I can," Amanda nodded and walked away.

Olivia picked up her phone, "_I'm coming over,"_ she texted and sent it without even thinking that he might not have the same number anymore, but as she grabbed her jacket and keys he texted back, "_I'm sober now…I promise."_ She gave a weak sigh, and God did she hope he was telling the truth.

**More soon...**


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks again for all the feedback...does my heart good to know people like what I'm doing. Sometimes you pour your heart and soul into a story and wonder if it is all worth it, but this time I think it is. So thanks for that! (Also nice to see some familiar friends reading this one now.) I am always grateful for the support.**

She started to knock on the door, but he opened it before she could, making her jump a little with surprise. He motioned her into the apartment and she looked around, wondering what he'd done all day. He obviously hadn't spent his time alone cleaning up. The same beer bottles and fast food containers adorned the coffee table, while the pile of dirty clothes on the floor seemed to have grown. The shattered glass from the beer bottle he'd thrown when she told him Lizzie was dead was still scattered across the floor under a wet stain that streamed down the wall. "Are you feeling better?" was all she could think to ask.

"I felt fine before," he mumbled and sat down on the faded couch, tossing the blankets and pillows on the floor to make room for her. She wasn't sure she really wanted to sit so close to him, but since it was the only furniture in the room she had no choice. She sat down, and he handed her a twenty dollar bill, "Here…" he said. "The money I borrowed for the cab…" he replied to her curious look.

"You don't have to…" she started, but he pushed it into her hand.

"I'm not a charity case, Liv," he added, looking around the room. "I don't have a lot, but I can pay for a ride home."

She was going to remind him that he didn't even have a job, but then she stopped herself. She'd hurt his pride by giving him the money, and the least she could do was accept repayment. She opened her purse and slipped the money inside. Then she sighed, "Lizzie's boyfriend confessed…"

He jumped up, "I want to see the son of a bitch!" he shouted. "Make sure he knows he won't get by with this!"

"He knows," Olivia assured him. "He's not getting off, El…trust me." She looked seriously at him, "There's more…"

"What?" he asked, nervously sitting back on the couch and wringing his hands.

"He says he's not the baby's father," Olivia told him. "According to Matthew, Lizzie was raped by one of her professors…"

"No…" he shook his head, "She'd report it. If I've taught my girls anything it's that there is no shame in being a victim, but there's strength in reporting and taking your life back. She'd report it…"

Olivia shook her head sadly, "He said she didn't want to call SVU…because of what happened…with us…" She used all of her strength to hold in her tears, "I'm sorry El…really…I didn't know your other kids knew…"

"Damn it," he groaned. "God…I should've known something was wrong the last several months…she just cut herself off, but I thought it was because of me…she was raped by some prick and I didn't even help her. I just left her alone…"

"You didn't know," Olivia reminded him.

"Do you have this guy in custody?" he asked.

Olivia shook her head, "I have detectives out looking for him and gathering all they can. They know I want this asshole, El…we'll get him."

"What's his name?" he asked. "I'll find him…"

She shook her head, "You know I can't tell you that. I'd be jeopardizing the entire case…"

"Never stopped you before," he sputtered. "You've been known to leak information for the good of the cause…a good detective does whatever it takes…"

"I'm not a detective anymore," she told him. "I'm a sergeant…and I'm commanding officer…I _can't_ give you that information…I just can't."

"_You're_ commanding officer?" he snickered. "Of course you are…"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" she asked with irritation.

"Nothing…" he sighed.

"Didn't sound like nothing," she argued.

"Just that you didn't have anything to hold you back…no _responsibilities_ outside of the job…so it's no wonder they promoted you…" he glared at her.

"Do you want to go see your granddaughter or not?" she asked with a sigh. "Because I need to get home…"

"Hot date?" he asked sarcastically.

"Go to hell…" she stood up and walked toward the door. She didn't need to look back to see if he was following her, because she knew he was.

_She flopped down on the bed, thoroughly exhausted. She'd never taken the time to think about how draining it was to carry a baby…how much energy it took to do her job…and how she'd manage to do both. She was thinking about it now, and she wondered just how long she could keep this up. If she could just get through the first trimester, she'd tell Cragen, and he'd put her on desk duty…she'd go insane from boredom but at least she wouldn't be so tired. At least she hoped she wouldn't._

_She'd spent the day trying to find the man who had raped Ella Mendez. Lab reports showed the girl was eight weeks pregnant, so at least they had a timeline to work with. She'd been stuck with Nick all day…and it was awkward. She felt like he was staring at her all the time, and it made her self-conscious. They'd interviewed kids at the school, which led them to Arturo, a small, weak little boy who was Ella's best friend and obviously not the father of her baby. Yet in interviewing Arturo they could tell he knew more than he'd offered. Eventually Munch had discovered one of Ella's teachers wasn't who he claimed to be, but instead a convicted sex offender, and so they finally thought they were making progress. Olivia had gone to talk to Ella, who admitted the teacher was the father of her baby, but in talking with her it was obvious the girl was lying. That was when she'd noticed the roses, dead on the desk in Ella's room. They were from the baby's father…that much was certain. When Ella told her the father of her baby was rich, and she was going to be his princess, Olivia felt herself sicken at the thought. This poor girl was clinging to empty promises from someone who had hurt her, and there was no reasoning with her._

_She'd traced the flowers back to A Fleur de Tois on Madison Avenue…and upscale florist that catered to the rich and famous. She'd let Nick drive to the florist, already feeling tired and he didn't bother her while she leaned her head back and dozed in the car. She'd decided to take the lead when they got there, knowing Nick wouldn't be intimidating enough, but she was getting nowhere with the snooty salesman behind the counter. The smell in the place was getting to her though…the combination of floral scents making her want to sneeze and gag at the same time. She'd resorted to threatening the guy, in the hopes of getting him to cough up his customer's name before she tossed her cookies all over the flower shop, and Nick seemed to sense the need to jump in. He'd appeased the man by telling him they'd just sneak and peek at the computer and it wouldn't come back to him, and the guy had walked off, content with that plan. What they hadn't expected was that Ella Mendez had received flowers from an Ambassador…and now they had to tell Cragen. With the recent attacks on the NYPD, there was no way he was going to accept this news lightly. They'd decided to tell him in the morning, and Nick had been nice enough to drop her off at home, telling her she looked like she needed to rest…and he was right. She'd never felt so tired in her life. She'd barely worked six hours, and it felt like at full twenty-four._

_She wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep when the phone woke her up, but she was tempted to let it go to voicemail. Afraid it was work, she sat and picked it up, too tired to grasp the fact that it was Elliot until after she'd accepted the call. "What?" she groaned…frustrated that he'd had the nerve to call after standing her up._

_"Well, hello to you too," he laughed. "Were you asleep? Already? It's barely eight o'clock…"_

_"I'm tired, El," she sighed. "I'm pregnant…remember…"_

_"You're probably working too hard," he suggested, knowing her all too well._

_"I'm doing my job…" she insisted, frustrated by his judgment. "I have to work…I'm a single mom you know." Throwing that last part in just to spite him, and feeling good about it. "What'd you want to talk about anyway…since you stood me up last night?"_

_"I'm sorry about that, Liv," he sighed, "I really am. I sent the food…"_

_"Yeah…I know," she yawned, wishing she could crawl back under the covers._

_"Maybe this isn't the best time," he said, "You're tired…"_

_"There's never gonna be a good time…is there?" she asked. "Just tell me…"_

_He didn't know how to start, and she could tell he was stalling. Then she heard him take a deep breath, "I just wondered…have you told anyone else…about the baby?"_

_"What?" she asked with a slight chuckle. "That's what you wanted to talk about?" She sighed, "I haven't told anyone…not that it matters…" Nick knew…but she hadn't told him. He'd figured it out on his own, so technically she wasn't lying._

_"I just wondered…if anyone knows I'm the father," he said, and she could hear the fear in his voice. _

_"Well since no one knows about the baby….no one knows about you either…so you're in the clear," she sputtered, getting more and more frustrated by him._

_"Liv…I need to know what you want from me?" he asked. "I want to do the right thing…but damn it…I don't even know what that is anymore."_

_"I don't want anything from you," she said, and she realized it was the truth. "Just forget about it…"_

_"Forget about it?" he asked. "You want me to forget about my child?"_

_"MY child," she argued. "This baby is mine, El. I'm the one who gets sick all the time…the one with the cravings…the one who's dead tired all the time. I'm the one who's gonna get fat…and feel the baby kick…and feel the pain of bringing this child into the world…this baby is MINE!"_

_"I want to be there…" he admitted. "I want to help you…If I leave Kathy…"_

_She closed her eyes, trying to hold in her tears, "No you don't want to do that…" she sighed. "You love your family…I know that…I've always known that. It's okay…you want to be with them, and you should be…"_

_"I've been thinking about telling her," he said and the uncertainty in his voice was apparent. _

_"You don't want to do that," Olivia cried. "You'll never forgive yourself…"_

_"Dickie joined the Army," he told her. "He didn't go to college…he wanted to get away from me…how could I ask my son to keep a secret like that Liv…it's eating him up inside…"_

_"I'm sorry," she offered, and she truly was. Dickie walking in on them was the thing she felt the most shame over…and she'd never forgive herself for that._

_"I don't want to hurt Kathy," he admitted. "I don't want to hurt my kids…"_

_"Then just forget about all of this," she brushed away the tears that were sliding down her cheeks. "No one has to know this is your baby…I can say I used donor sperm or something…"_

_"You'd do that?" he asked. "You'd raise your child without a father…to protect me?"_

_"No," she sighed. "Not to protect you…but to protect my kid. I don't want him to feel like he wasn't wanted…I want this baby…more than anything. And I know you don't…"_

_"If things were different…" he started._

_"Well they're not," she interrupted. _

_"A kid needs two parents, Liv," he told her. "A child needs a father…you grew up without a dad…you know how that affected you."_

_"What are you trying to say, El?" she asked, confused by his back and forth commitments. "Do you really want to have this baby with me?"_

_"I just wondered…" he wasn't sure how to say what he needed to say without hurting her. "Have you thought about…maybe giving the baby up…it'd be a clean slate for both of us…"_

_She couldn't believe what he was saying…he wanted her to give up the only thing in her life worth living for. "I don't want a clean slate…" was all she managed to say._

_"I didn't mean it like that," he said._

_"Yes you did," she sobbed. "You want me to give the baby up? Why?"_

_"Because someone is going to figure out that it's mine," he sighed. "What if the baby looks like me…looks like my other kids? What if you slip up and say something? Besides, I'm not sure you can do this by yourself…not with the job too…"_

_"Screw you!" she yelled. "I am keeping this baby. And you don't have to worry about me slipping up and telling someone you're the father…because as far as I'm concerned…you're nothing to me or this baby. NOTHING! And if by some twist of fate the kid looks like you…then that's your problem."_

_"Liv…" he tried to calm her down. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have said that…"_

_"I'm glad you did," she sputtered. "Because now I know…you don't give a fuck about anyone but yourself…and God do I wish I hadn't let this happen…because if I could turn back time there wouldn't even be baby for us to fight over…I wish there was no baby…Fuck you!"_

_"Liv…don't say that…" he wanted to calm her down, but she hung up on him before he could say anymore._

_She leaned back on her pillow, placing her hand on her stomach and pushing gently, "I'm sorry…" she sobbed. "I'm so sorry…" She knew she shouldn't have said she wished there was no baby…she didn't mean it…she loved her child more than anything, she just hated Elliot with every fiber of her being and she wanted to hurt him the way he'd hurt her. "I love you, little one…" she sniffled. "I didn't mean to say that…I love you so much, and I'm sorry I didn't give you the daddy you deserve."_

"She looks better," Elliot smiled at his granddaughter and the baby looked up at him, wide-eyed.

Olivia nodded, "She's gonna need some time to get stronger, but I think she's going to be fine. She's lucky…after everything…"

"Liv," he looked at her, his eyes stinging with tears, "I want to keep her…she's all I have…" He ran his hand across the back of his neck and shook his head, "I know I need some help…I need to clean myself up…stop drinking…" he seemed to choke on the words. "I don't know how I let things get this bad…" he sat down in the chair, his face pale with regret.

She walked over to him, sliding down on the floor so she was looking up at his bowed head and he was surprised by her own tears. "Kathy said…it was because of me…I'm sorry, El…I need to tell you something…"

He wouldn't let her finish. "Oh Liv…" his voice was a solemn whisper. "It wasn't because of you," he promised, staring into her dark eyes for the first time in years and recognizing the same pain he'd seen in them back then. "It was because of what I _did_ to you…I'm so _sorry_…" he cried. "Liv…I wanted that baby…more than anything…I was just so scared, and ashamed of what I'd done to my family…and I took it out on you… "

"El…" she cried, knowing what she was going to say would change everything, but before she could say anymore, one of the monitors attached to the baby started beeping and they both looked to see what was going on.

"What's wrong with her?" Elliot asked, standing to his feet and looking at her while the NICU team rushed into the room and pushed them out the door. He stood in the hall, looking at Olivia and gasped, "What's going on?"

She shook her head, tears running down her face, "I don't know…but she's gonna be okay. The doctors know what they're doing…" She took a deep breath, and couldn't seem to let it out. She hoped she was right. Elliot couldn't take another loss right now...and neither could she.

**More to come...**


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks again for the great reviews (and even for the ones who don't like the story...a review is a review, I guess!) I hope you will all continue to read. I promise all will be revealed eventually...**

"How is she?" Elliot rushed to the doctor when he opened the door to the NICU. "My granddaughter…how is she?"

"She's stable," the doctor said seriously. "Her heartbeat was unsteady…going fast and then slow. We're not sure why, but we gave her some medication to regulate it and she's doing fine for now. It could happen again…or she may be fine from here on out. With preemies it's touch and go…"

"Touch and go?" Elliot asked. "So she could…" it was too painful to finish the thought.

"She's good now, El," Olivia put her hand on his shoulder, trying to ease his pain but realizing her touch probably made him feel uncomfortable. "She's a tough little girl…"

"I want to see her," he said, and the doctor motioned for them to go into the room. They walked in and a nurse was taking notes from the monitors, giving them a sad smile. "She's asleep…right?" he asked.

The nurse nodded, "She'll be asleep for a while. The medication makes her tired…but it's a good thing. The rest will help her heal." She looked at the tiny baby and smiled.

"Is there really any hope that she'll get better?" he asked. "Or are we just delaying the inevitable? With everything happening…I need a little hope…"

"There's always hope," the nurse said gently as she walked out of the room.

Elliot sat in the chair, sliding his hand through the side of the incubator and caressing her small cheek. "Hang in there sweetheart…" he whispered. "Your mommy would've loved you so much…" he felt the warm tears running down his face and didn't bother to wipe them away. He looked at Olivia, clearing his throat, "I want to name her," he said. "Kathy said she had no idea what Lizzie would've wanted…and she said she didn't care what name went on the birth certificate…so I'm just gonna choose…"

"What name are you thinking about?" Olivia asked, standing over the baby, in awe of how peaceful she looked.

"I want to name her after Lizzie…but we'll have to use another nickname for Elizabeth," he said. "I want her to know how much her mother loved her, but she shouldn't have to live in her shadow." He sighed, "Beth…Betsy…I don't know…neither of those sound right…"

"How about Libby?" Olivia suggested. "She looks like a Libby to me…"

He smiled at her and nodded slowly, "I like Libby…" he wiped the tears away from his cheeks and exhaled slowly, "What about her middle name? You have any ideas for that?"

Olivia looked at him and back at the baby. Then she nodded, "Elizabeth Hope…" she said. "You said you needed a little hope," she smiled.

He laughed a little, "Elizabeth Hope…" he smiled. "My little Libby…" he nodded. "I like it…thanks…"

"No problem," Olivia said gently. "It's a pretty name for a beautiful little girl…"

"Not just for the name," he said. "For being here…thanks for being here…I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me, Liv. I'll never forgive myself for it."

She shook her head, "We can't change the past, El. No one can. All we can do it move forward."

_Elliot had been texting her all morning. "I'm sorry I hurt you." "I wish you'd talk to me." "We need to take care of this." The last text had been the final straw for her. What the hell did he mean by "take care of it?" _

_"Leave me alone," she texted back quickly and she hoped he would. She couldn't deal with him right now when she had so much more to concern herself with. _

_Cragen had been upset, and reasonably so when they'd told him Ambassador Raines had sent Ella the roses. He insisted they take things slow, ask all the right questions, and respect the family's privacy and conduct a discreet investigation. He didn't need any more negative publicity or they'd all be looking for new jobs. As she drove to the Raines house, Olivia yawned and Nick looked at her with a grin plastered across his face, and she wanted to smack him. Honestly, she wanted to smack anyone and he was the closest person in the path of her wrath. "What are you looking at?" she groaned._

_"You," he gave a slight chuckle. "You're so tired…why don't you just take a couple of days and rest? Tell Cragen about the baby…he'll understand."_

_"No," she argued, "And you better keep your damn mouth shut too. No one can know about this right now…no one!"_

_"Okay…" he said quickly. "I get it…you don't want your personal business all out in the open…"_

_"It is MY business, Nick," she reminded him. "I wish you didn't know…I wish you'd just forget it…"_

_"What about the baby's father?" he asked. "I bet he's excited. You must love making him run out and get you pickles and ice cream in the middle of the night? Women definitely have the upper hand in the relationship when there's a baby coming…" he teased. _

_She did all she could to hold in the tears that were stinging her eyes, "My baby doesn't have a father," she said. _

_Everyone has a father," he laughed, but then he noticed the tears in her eyes and turned serious. "I'm sorry…really Liv…he's a jackass if he doesn't want this baby…"_

_She shook her head, "I used a donor," she lied. "I wanted a baby…so I just did it that way…" she forced a sad smiled, "I'm not getting any younger…"_

_He knew she was lying, but he wasn't going to push it. If he did she'd get angry and then she'd never open up to him again. "Well at least you're getting the baby you want, right?" he smiled and she nodded. _

_Andrew and Kathleen Raines lived in a townhouse on East 76__th__ street. The maid refused to let them in, but then Nick spotted the ambassador walking through the hall and ran in to meet him. Olivia couldn't help but laugh a little on the inside. He was definitely going all out to get the guy. After a brief conversation Ambassador and Mrs. Raines had pretty much refused to answer any questions and sent them on their way, but Olivia began to wonder if the ambassador was guilty at all. The couple had a teenaged son that seemed an even more likely choice, and she called Fin to ask him to go intimidate the boy while she talked to Ella again._

_Nick drove as quickly as he could to Ella's apartment, and while Olivia wanted to get there and talk to the girl…hopefully put the case to rest…the movement of the car was leaving her queasy. Talking on the phone to Fin, listening as he told her Tripp Raines acted untouchable during his brief conversation with him, but the boy had easily confessed to having sex with Ella, Olivia knew they'd finally be able to get justice for the girl. She took a deep breath, letting it out slowly while Nick went on and on about how the boy was only thirteen and they couldn't charge him with statutory rape because both kids were the same age._

_"He's a sophisticated player," she sputtered. "She's a pregnant little girl." But before Nick could argue his point, they saw Ella and her grandmother getting into an expensive town car, Ella fighting the whole way. They rushed from their own car and over to the girl. "What's going on here?" Olivia asked and Ella flung herself into her arms._

_"I don't want to go," she cried._

_ "Go where?" Olivia asked._

_"I want to keep my baby…" the girl, clutching her stuffed pony put her head on Olivia's chest and sobbed._

_"Oh my God…" Olivia cringed, as she held the girl and stroked her long, dark hair._

_Then she took her to the women's health clinic, where Ella had an appointment, the grandmother following along in the town car and Olivia promised the girl she'd find an advocate for her if she really wanted to have the baby, but first they had to talk about Tripp._

_Olivia pulled her hair up into a clip at the back of her head and paced back and forth waiting to go in and talk to Ella. She wanted to say the right things…and she wasn't sure what was right anymore. Nick walked up beside her, "You okay?" he asked._

_She nodded, "Sure…why wouldn't I be?"_

_"I don't know," he shrugged. "I just thought maybe the case was hitting a little too close to home for you, that's all."_

_"I'm fine," she promised. She grabbed the orange juice and banana she'd brought in her purse for a snack, planning to give them to Ella instead and headed toward the room._

_"Novak is here," Nick told her. "Cameras are set up…just get her to tell the truth this time."_

_She listened while Ella told her all about Tripp…how she'd met him on the 4__th__ of July at a party her friend Arturo had taken her to…how he'd offered her lemonade that made her feel dizzy and how he'd pushed her on the bed and had sex with her even though she'd begged him to stop and told him it hurt. Then the next day he'd sent her roses, and even now Ella believed it was because he loved her. He told her they could be boyfriend and girlfriend if she had an abortion, and Olivia felt sick to her stomach listening to the story. This poor girl was too young to realize what was really happening to her._

_Olivia walked into the room where Nick and Casey had been watching her conversation with Ella, relieved that they finally had the whole story, even if she was sickened by it. _

_"There's not much doubt there," Nick said, his own face showing the sadness he felt over what the girl had gone through…what she was continuing to go through…_

_Casey stood up, shaking her head, "I don't know…" she said._

_"What do you mean you don't know?" Olivia asked with disgust, "She's describing a rape."_

_"A jury won't think so," Casey argued, going on to remind them that Ella had changed her story three times and that the girl had never actually said Tripp raped her. Not to mention the fact that the boy would have a top notch legal team. "We can't even prove she's carrying his baby," Casey insisted, "Unless you want my office to compel a fetal DNA test…"_

_"No, no, no , no, no…" Olivia sighed, "It took a long time to earn her trust…"_

_"I'm sure it did," Casey said seriously._

_"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Olivia asked angrily, even more frustrated when Casey just stared back at her. "Counselor…" she said again. "What the hell does that mean?" Nick excused himself from the room, as if he knew things were going to come to blows, and all Olivia could think was that he was a wimp for cutting out on her._

_"Look, Olivia…I understand you've been going through a lot…" Casey began._

_Olivia shook her head…Casey had no idea what she was going through. "No…don't you dare patronize me…"_

_"You're off…" Casey argued. "What I saw…your anger pushed her disclosure…"_

_"I'm off?" Olivia snickered. "You know what I see…is an ADA who's too afraid to follow the facts, because the family has too much muscle. You and your office have lost your nerve!"_

_She ran out of the room, furious about the argument with Casey. If they didn't get justice for Ella, she would never forgive herself. She was going through a lot…but she hadn't let it hurt the case. If anything, it gave her a stronger connection to the victim and she was more determined than ever to help her. She rested her hand on her stomach, suddenly realizing she was starving and went to the closest vending machine. She looked at the candy bars and crackers, putting her money in and pulling the lever for cheese crackers and kicking the machine when it wouldn't work. "Come on…" she sighed, putting her arm on the machine and leaning into it, completely exhausted. She was tired and she was hungry…the case was ruined…and suddenly she wanted to go home before she broke down in tears then and there._

_Nick saw her, and walked over to her, and it was all she could do to keep from breaking down. "What is wrong with these people?" she asked. "She's not going to press charges…"_

_"Let's go pay the Raines a visit," he suggested. "See if we can get Tripp to talk before they figure that out…" She sniffled and nodded, walking toward the exit and then stopping. "Are you all right?" he asked, nervously._

_She nodded, "Uhm…I really have to use the bathroom." He nodded and she walked to the ladies room, sitting down on the chaise lounge in the corner and taking a deep breath. She felt so sad…so overwhelmed, and she put her head in her hands and cried. _

_"Olivia…" she heard the familiar voice and looked up, shocked. There was Kathy, standing right in front of her and if there was one person she didn't need to see right now it was her._

_She swallowed, "Kathy…what're you doing here?"_

_"I work here," she said. "I had to go back to nursing since Elliot left the force…I'm in prenatal health. What are you doing here?"_

_Olivia shook her head, "I was just on the 2nd floor…with a victim…"_

_"The second floor?" Kathy asked. "All they do there is counsel women about abortion…and perform them…" Then she looked at her tears and nodded, "Are you okay? You're crying…"_

_"It's been a long day," she dried her eyes and headed for the door. _

_"I'll tell Elliot you said hi," Kathy called after her._

_Olivia nodded, and didn't say anything._

Olivia looked at her phone, realizing it was later than she thought. Elliot was asleep in the chair next to Libby's bed and she'd been sitting on the floor beside him, obviously drifting off herself. She stood up, touching him softly on the shoulder, "El…" she whispered. "Wake up…"

He startled awake, looking at her and then at the baby, "What's wrong? Is Libby okay?"

"She's fine…" Olivia promised. "The nurse was here a while ago, they fed her through the little tube and she went right back to sleep. But El…I have to go…"

"Oh…" he said, and she could tell he was disappointed. "I thought you'd stay…but I understand…"

"I would if I could," she gave a weak smile. "Do you want me to take you home? I can bring you back tomorrow…Libby's gonna stay asleep…"

"I don't want to go home," he said, shaking his head anxiously. "I can't…"

"You need to sleep," she told him. "You can't stay up all night."

"I can't go home," he said again.

"Why?" she asked.

"Because if I do…I'm gonna drink," he admitted sadly. "You have no idea how hard it is to sit here and not run across the street to get something…I'm not sure I can make it…"

She nodded, "I'm sorry…I didn't think…"

"I'm the one who's sorry," he sighed. "I've screwed up everything…"

"You just need some help," she told him and she could see the fear in his eyes.

"I wish you'd just stay," and she knew he meant it. It'd been hard for him to say…but he definitely meant it.

"I can't," she said sadly, "My sitter has to leave…"

"Your _sitter_?" he asked, eyes widened. "You have a _kid_?" he shook his head in disbelief.

"He's eleven months old," she said. "And I haven't seen him all day…and my sitter needs to get home…I'm sorry…I wish I could stay…"

"Just go…" he said sadly. "Go home to your little boy."

She walked to the door, knowing if she left him that he'd drink…there was no doubt in her mind. His strength and love for his granddaughter was no match for his disease. "You could stay with me tonight," she suggested. "My couch isn't very comfy…"

He looked at her and nodded, "Okay," he said, and she was surprised he'd accepted the offer. What was she getting herself into?

**More soon...**


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks for the reviews! This chapter provides a little more insight into the past...but doesn't fully answer everything. That will come with time...I promise. Enjoy!**

"I'm sorry I'm so late Lucy," she called as she pushed open the door to her apartment. "I got held up with things."

"That's okay," Lucy grabbed her bag and headed toward the door. "He's doing better…still coughing some, but no fever today at all." She stopped, noticing the man standing next to Olivia and glancing at her boss.

Olivia sighed, "This is a friend of mine," she said looking toward Elliot. "Elliot…my sitter, Lucy." Elliot extended his hand, shaking the younger woman's hand and she smiled.

"Do you need me at regular time tomorrow?" Lucy asked, "Or would you rather I come a little later…"

Olivia knew what she was implying and as much as she liked this young woman she wished she were a little less forward about things, "Regular time, Lucy…" she sighed. "Goodnight." The young woman nodded and walked out the door.

Olivia walked over to Noah's crib where the baby was sleeping, and leaned over to gently brush his hair out of his face, noticing Lucy was right about the fever…it was gone finally. She motioned toward the couch, "Make yourself at home," and Elliot sat down, looking around the room.

"You moved," he said, almost as if he were telling her something she didn't already know. "When?"

"Last year…" she answered, not wanting to go into much more detail. He didn't need to know she'd lived there with Brian or that they'd moved there after the Lewis ordeal because she'd been too sickened to walk back into her apartment.

"It's nice," he said, "Big…how can you afford this place?" he asked seriously.

She walked over to the sofa, starting to sit but then deciding to move to the chair instead. "I got a good deal on it," she said, not that it was really any of his business. Then she thought about his place, and she wondered if he was questioning how he'd ended up there while she'd ended up here. She wondered it herself. "You want something to eat?" she asked. "I can make something…"

He chuckled a little, "You're gonna cook?" he asked. "Are you serious?"

"I can cook," she insisted.

"In twelve years I don't think I ever saw you near a stove," he laughed.

"That's because I could always convince _you_ to take me out somewhere instead," she laughed, and then stopped herself, realizing the playful banter was going to get uncomfortable. They weren't the same people they'd been back then, and they both needed to realize that. She stood up and walked to the kitchen, looking through the refrigerator, "Grilled chicken salad?" she asked.

"Sounds fine," he replied quickly.

She pulled out the ingredients, noticing a bottle of wine in the back of the fridge. She hadn't done much drinking since Noah had entered her life, and she'd forgotten it was there. She pulled it out, hiding it deep in the back of a cabinet and hoping Elliot hadn't noticed. The last thing either of them needed was for him to find alcohol at her place. She put the chicken on the stove, splashing the pieces with lemon juice and then cutting lettuce, tomatoes, and carrots to pile on the plates. When the chicken was done, she sliced it, laying it on top of the salad and brought the plated to the living room, handing him his.

He looked at it and smiled, "I don't think I've eaten anything green in at least three months…maybe longer. Unless you count the cheese in the fridge last week that I cut the mold off of…"

"That's disgusting," she grimaced, sitting back in the chair and taking a bite of her food.

He smiled at her, "This looks good, Liv…thanks," and he took a bite.

The baby started to cry, and she put her plate down, walking over to the crib and picking him up. She held him in her arms, letting him rest his head on her shoulder, "It's okay sweetie," she whispered. "Mama's home…"

He watched her with her son and so many questions went through his head. Who was the baby's father? Why was she all alone now? Did she miss their child when she cuddled her new baby, or had she simply pushed that memory aside? He didn't dare ask any of them though, so instead he said, "He's beautiful, Liv…" and suddenly he wasn't hungry anymore, sitting his plate on the coffee table, content to stare of her with her son.

She smiled back at him, "Thanks…"

_Damn it…what a rotten day! Why couldn't things ever be easy? She put the groceries on the counter, taking off her jacket and looking down at the vest she was wearing, wondering if it had been a poor choice for the day. She'd left the top button undone because of her swollen chest and the bottom one unbuttoned since her stomach felt puffy, and she hoped no one had noticed. She unbuttoned the rest of it, walking into her bedroom and changing into sweats and a tshirt. She hadn't realized until she pulled it on that it was Elliot's Marine Corps shirt, and she knew she should take it off, but it felt so soft and she craved the comfort at that moment, so she left it on._

_She went back to the kitchen, unpacking the groceries and grabbing a box of cookies from the bag, opening it and eating a couple. No wonder she was already feeling so fat. She put them in the cabinet and pulled out an apple instead, enjoying it much less than the cookies. Thinking about the day, she wanted to cry. Tripp Raines was dead. Thirteen year old Arturo had killed him, and while she'd thought at first it was because of his crush on Ella, the truth came out pretty quickly. When they looked at Arturo's mother's bank account and saw the large chunks of cash deposited, the other detectives had thought it was some sort of pay off for information she'd learned when she worked as the Raines maid…but Olivia knew the truth. Arturo was the ambassador's son and he was paying his mother to keep their secret. When she'd said it, she noticed the look Nick gave her…maybe the case did hit a little too close to home for her afterall. _

_She thought about Arturo, killing his half-brother in anger, wanting more than anything for his father to accept him, to claim him as his own…and while she didn't know what would happen to the boy now, all she could think about was her own child. She never wanted her child to feel like that…to feel unloved, unwanted, disclaimed by his own father…and she knew now more than ever that she could never let anyone know Elliot was her child's father. She had to stick to the sperm donor story and make sure her child knew how much she wanted him…how she'd chosen to have a baby without a father because the child was so much more important than any man…she was committed to that now. It was the only way._

_As if he could read her mind from afar, her phone rang and she looked at it, not even surprised to see it was Elliot. She was ready to tell him good-bye for good…to make sure he knew the baby was hers and hers alone…so she picked up the phone and answered, "Hello…" but the tears started to flow before she could stop them and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't control it._

_"Liv…" his voice quivered. "I'm sorry…"_

_"Don't say that," she cried. "Just don't…it's over…we're over…"_

_"Kathy saw you yesterday," he said and she wondered why he'd brought that up right now. _

_"I know…" was all she could say. "I didn't say anything…I would never…"_

_"She said you were on the abortion floor…that you were crying…" his voice cracked and she suddenly knew what he was thinking. She didn't know what to say. How could he think she would do something like that? "When you said you wished there was no baby…I didn't think you meant it…"_

_She knew she should clear up his misconceptions, but she was hurt and she was tired and right now she just wanted to make everything go away. "I don't want to talk to you…" she sobbed. _

_"Liv…why would you do that?" he asked, and she could tell his voice was shaking in pain and anger. "If you didn't want the baby…"_

_"YOU didn't want the baby," she reminded him. "YOU said I should get rid of it…" She wasn't even sure why she was so angry…maybe her hormones were out of whack or maybe she was just a bitch. She couldn't listen to him anymore._

_"I asked you to think about giving it up…" he said, and then she heard the tears in his own voice, "Not kill it…"_

_"Just leave me alone," she pleaded. "Please…just be with your wife…with your family…and leave me the hell alone."_

_"I don't even know you anymore," he said sadly. _

_"You're right," she cried. "I don't think you ever did…" She hung up the phone and threw herself down on the sofa, bawling hysterically. He thought she'd aborted their baby…and she'd let him think it. He'd never forgive her, but she didn't care. In that moment it seemed like the only way to protect her child from the one person who could hurt them both more than anyone, and even though she knew she wasn't thinking clearly, she couldn't make herself call him back to tell the truth._

_"We're gonna be okay," she whispered, drying her eyes and caressing her stomach gently. "Mommy loves you…" she said sadly. "And we only need each other."_

_She didn't bother putting the rest of the groceries away. She went to her room, staring at the ultrasound photo on her nightstand and knowing she'd made the right choice for her baby. He couldn't end up like Arturo…he couldn't know his father didn't want him. She knew if she stayed in New York that Elliot would eventually find out she'd lied, so she made the decision then and there to move. She'd never lived anywhere else, but she could research where to go…L.A., Chicago, Boston…someplace where she could start over with her baby and no one would look at them with pity or wonder why her child had no father. Someplace where no one knew Elliot…where no one cared about her…but she had to leave soon, before she started to really show…before she talked herself out of going._

_"We can do this little one…" she sighed. "A month from now…I won't have to think about Elliot Stabler ever again." In her heart, she knew she was lying._

"Here's a blanket…and a couple of pillows," she handed them to him and he took them from her. "If you need anything…"

"I'm fine," he insisted. "This is fine…thanks…"

She nodded, walking over to the crib where Noah had fallen back to sleep and picking him up carefully. "I'll take him to my room," she said softly, trying not to wake the little boy. "In case he cries…"

"You don't have a baby monitor?" he asked. "Liv…come on…"

"I don't want him to bother you," she admitted. "He's been sick…he wakes up crying…"

"Babies wake up crying," he said. "I know that…he won't bother me. Let him sleep in his bed…he needs his rest if he's been sick."

She lay the baby back in his crib, "Why don't you take my room then?" she suggested. "I'll stay out here with him."

"You look tired…and you said the couch wasn't very comfy," he told her. "I don't want to put you out of your room."

"I just…" she looked unsure, not knowing how to finish what she wanted to say.

"You don't trust me with your kid?" he asked. "Is that it?"

"No…" she shook her head. "No El…of course not…that's not what I meant…"

"I won't touch him," Elliot said. "If he cries…I'll come get you…"

She sighed, "You can touch him," her eyes filled with tears. "I didn't mean that…I'm just worried about him…he's been sick…"

"Okay," he said, and she couldn't tell if he was angry or hurt. He leaned back on the couch, pulling the covers over him and closed his eyes, "Goodnight…" he said.

"Goodnight," she whispered, making her way down the hall to her room. Then she fell back on the bed and cried herself to sleep.

**More to come...**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks so much for all the amazing reviews! Here is some more (with some more answers.) Thanks for reading and reviewing.**

There were perks to living alone, and Olivia had been by herself long enough to know every single one of them. The one she realized she'd taken for granted was the peace and quiet. She used to go to bed whenever she wanted and wake up with her alarm, or if she got a call from the station…but otherwise she could sleep straight through the night. But ever since Noah came into her life, she'd gone four straight months without a full night's sleep, and it seemed tonight was no exception. She sat up, hearing the sounds through the baby monitor. At first she thought Noah was awake and banging on the side of his crib, something he did when he was wanting her attention but hadn't quite become agitated enough to cry, but as she listened closer she realized the sound wasn't coming from Noah. It was muffled, which meant it was coming from somewhere farther from the crib, and then she heard the familiar creak of her squeaky kitchen cabinet and she knew what the sound was. She closed her eyes, giving a sigh and trying to find the strength to confront him.

She walked into the living room, staring into the kitchen where Elliot was frantically going through all of her cabinets. "What are you doing?" she asked, and he looked at her startled.

"I couldn't sleep," he said, closing the cabinet door and she looked at the plates and glasses sitting on the counter surrounded by canned goods and pasta boxes.

"So…" she glanced at the mess, "You decided to clean out my cupboards?"

"I just need something…" he said seriously. "To help me sleep…I can't go to sleep…"

"You said you were going to quit," she reminded him. "For Libby…you don't want to lose her, remember."

"Come on, Liv," his voice was somewhere between pleading and angry. "I know you have something…that fruity wine you like to drink? Anything…"

"No," she shook her head. "I can't let you…"

"I won't drink much," he promised. "Just a little…so I can relax and get to sleep. My mind is racing…thinking about Liz…the baby…"

"Drinking isn't going to fix that," she insisted. "You know that…it hasn't fixed anything after all these years, has it?"

"Damn it, Olivia," he stormed out of the kitchen and she looked at the cabinet where she'd hidden the wine. If she'd come in a minute later he would've found it. She had to dump it…just as soon as he was asleep. He threw himself down on the couch, "I guess I'll just stay awake then…" he clicked on the television and the light filtered through the room. She walked to Noah's crib, hoping the light wouldn't wake him, but he was still sound asleep. She covered him with his green dinosaur blanket and Elliot looked at her. "I'm sorry…" he said, clicking off the TV. "I forgot about him…I'll leave it off."

She walked over, sitting in the chair and pulling her feet up under her, "He's fine…you can turn it back on. If it'll help you fall asleep…"

"I haven't fallen asleep sober in years," he admitted, "And I doubt I'm gonna start now."

"El…" she looked at him, and she pitied the man he'd become. She never wanted to feel that way about him, but she did…and it hurt. "What happened? How did _this_ happen?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he said, pulling to covers up around him.

"Do you think rehab would help?" she asked. "I can look into some places…"

"I don't need you to do that," he argued. "Besides, I won't go to one of those places. I don't need to…"

"You can't even go to sleep without a drink," she reminded him. "You can't function unless you're drunk and then you're not functioning well…"

"What do you know about it?" he asked, frustrated by her need to prove herself right. "I haven't seen you in three damn years…and you think you know me?"

"Kathy said…" she started but he interrupted her.

"Oh well…by all means believe Kathy," he shouted, and Noah started to stir so he lowered his voice. "She doesn't give a shit about me. She wishes I was dead…and most of the time I do too."

"Don't say that," she whispered. "Please…"

He snickered and gave a weak sigh, "Don't say I wish I was dead? God…don't sit there and pretend like you care…"

"I do care," she insisted. "Libby needs you…Eli needs you…"

"God, Eli…" he sighed. "He probably hates me."

"I bet he misses you," she said. "I know he does."

Elliot shook his head, "Kathy won't let me see him. It's my fault. I had him at my apartment…I always took him for my weekends…I swear…but I was drinking and I passed out. Eli was hungry…and I wouldn't wake up. He tried to make a grilled cheese and caught the stove on fire. I still wouldn't wake up…" his eyes filled with tears. "He called 9-1-1…"

"Oh God El," she said sadly.

"My son could've died," he cried. "I didn't save him…he saved me…"

"I'm glad he knew what to do," she said honestly.

"Me too," he admitted. "But that was the last straw for Kathy. I can't blame her…but I miss my kids." He sighed, "Maureen, Kathleen, and Dickie…they hate me too. Liz was the only one who would still talk to me…she said she forgave me because she knew I didn't mean to hurt them. And now she's gone…my little girl was too scared to come to me when she was in trouble. I ruined everything…and I can't fix it…my life might as well be over…"

"It's not too late," Olivia assured him. "Stop the drinking…get some help…get better…"

"I don't want to," he said truthfully. "I don't deserve it…I deserve to miserable…" His head fell in his hands and his sobs were hard and painful.

"El…" she reluctantly moved and sat next to him on the sofa, putting her arm comfortingly on his back. "I know I ruined your life…I never meant for this to happen…"

He looked up at her, his eyes red from crying, "Liv…I told you…I didn't start drinking because of you. I did this…I hurt you…I hurt my family…I made you feel like you had no choice but to terminate the pregnancy, and I know you didn't want to do it. I know you wanted that baby…"

"I need to tell you something," she said, taking a deep breath and trying unsuccessfully not to cry. "El…I was wrong…"

"Don't…" he sighed. "Don't put the blame on yourself. I was the one who didn't try to help you…I told you to give the baby up, and I should've known you couldn't do that. I made it seem like I wanted you to get rid of the problem…and the baby was a part of us…and then it was just gone and I didn't realize how much I wanted it until then…after you had the abortion…"

"I didn't," she cried. "El…I didn't have an abortion…I'm so sorry I let you think I did…"

"What?" he looked at her in disbelief. "Liv…you were at the clinic crying…you said you had an abortion…"

She shook her head sadly, "You thought I did…and it made me angry that you'd think something like that…so I just let you think it."

"You didn't do it…" he looked confused, unable to fully process what she was saying. "But…if you didn't…what happened to our child, Olivia? Did you give it up?" He glanced toward the crib, "Your son is too young to be mine…so what happened to _my_ baby?"

She sobbed, not wanting to tell him. She'd been ashamed of her secret for so long that hearing it come out of her mouth was scary and sad. "I let you think I had the abortion, because I wanted to protect the baby. I thought you didn't want him…and I didn't want my kid growing up feeling unloved. I figured if you thought I'd had an abortion, you'd be angry enough to leave me alone, and I was going to move away…have the baby somewhere else where you'd never have to see us or worry about us…"

"Where's my _child_, Liv?" he asked seriously. "What happened?"

_Why were all of the cases getting to her so much lately? What started out as a typical rape case had gotten bizarre when the suspect tried to commit suicide and they'd discovered too many reasons why he couldn't be the rapist even though they had DNA evidence and eye witnesses. Now, sitting in a halfway house in Jersey, she was face to face with the suspect's birth mother. Listening to this woman go on and on about her babies she'd given up for adoption was making her sick. Maybe it was the way the woman talked about the boys, like they meant nothing to her or maybe it was the cigarette smoke she kept blowing in her face, but either way Olivia had to get out of there. When the woman told them one of the boys had come to see her twenty years prior and she'd told him all about his twin, it seemed logical that they had the wrong man in custody. When she told him the young man had watched his adoptive mother brutally murder and torch is adoptive father, she knew he was the person they were looking for. A serial rapist, hiding in the shadows of the twin brother he'd never met…making the other man's life a living hell. It sounded like the plot of a bad movie, and here they were dealing with it. Things were never dull at SVU. She wondered if she'd miss it when she left._

_"You doing okay?" Nick asked as they walked down the steps toward the car. _

_"Sure," she forced a smile. "Why?"_

_"You were looking a little green in there," he said. "The smoke…isn't good for the baby…"_

_"I tried to breathe the other way," she said, opening the car door and sliding inside. Nick started the car and she sighed, "Besides, I've been feeling better lately…I haven't thrown up all week…" She wondered if she was giving him too much information, but he smiled and nodded._

_"That's great," he said. "But you should still tell Cragen. Then you won't have to go out on cases like this. It could be dangerous."_

_"I'm not telling him…" she said, and as the words escaped her lips she knew she'd gone too far and there was no turning back._

_"What?" Nick asked. "You have to tell him. Think about the baby…"_

_"I'm leaving," she said, relieved to finally share her secret with someone. She'd spent the last week and half looking online for places she thought might be a good spot to raise a child and she'd finally decided. "I'm moving to Dallas…in a week or so."_

_"You're what?" Nick asked shocked. "When did you decide this?"_

_She shrugged, "When I realized I don't have the strength to do this here," she let her hand rest on her stomach and felt the tears forming in her eyes._

_He nodded knowingly, "Liv…what did he do?" She shook her head, as if she didn't know what he was talking about. "The baby's father…I know you didn't use a donor…who is he? Did he hurt you?"_

_"He didn't hurt me…not the way you think," she cleared her throat and brushed away her tears. "He doesn't love me…and I thought he did…but he left and he doesn't want the baby…he told me to give it up," she sighed. "He's afraid his wife and kids will find out," she cried._

_"Oh Liv…" Nick looked at her sadly._

_She sniffled, "I'm a slut. I had an affair with a married man…and I expected him to want this baby…I was so stupid…"_

_"You are not a slut," he said, pulling the car over and looking her in the eye. "You made a mistake…with someone you loved…someone you thought loved you back…"_

_"But Elliot doesn't want me…" she started, and gasped when she realized she'd said his name out loud. _

_"Elliot?" he asked as realization hit. "Oh my God…Elliot Stabler is the father of your baby?" he asked. "No wonder you want to leave…"_

_She nodded, "Don't tell anyone," she begged. "Please…please don't tell anyone…"_

_"I won't," he put his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it gently. "But Liv…you shouldn't let that asshole run you off. This is your home. You have every right to stay here. He took advantage of your relationship…"_

_"No…he didn't," she defended him. "I wanted to be with him. I seduced him…I got drunk and went to his house and begged him to love me…" She lowered her head in shame, letting her tears fall. "I did this…"_

_"You should tell Cragen you're thinking of leaving," he told her. "And why…"_

_"No!" she shook her head. "Nick…he can't know…please…"_

_"I won't say anything," he promised. "But do me a favor…call me if you need anything, okay? I don't want you feeling like you're alone."_

_She nodded, "Okay…I promise…"_

_They made their way back to the station, neither one of them saying anything more. Olivia had pulled herself together, eliminating any sign that she'd been a blubbering mess just minutes before and although Nick was still worried, he knew he couldn't reveal her secret without ruining what little headway he'd made in winning her trust. They filled the team in on what they'd learned…their suspect Gabriel Thomas had an identical twin he knew nothing about. Olivia looked up the case the birth mother had told them about, finding out the man's name was Brian Smith…he'd been a teenager when he watched his mother kill his father, resulting in her getting the death penalty for murder. It took Fin a matter of minutes to find the new suspect online, his name and address popping up on the screen._

_"Let's go pick him up," Nick said eagerly. From the beginning he'd known they had the wrong guy…and he was anxious to prove it._

_"Wait..." Cragen replied quickly. "Let's bring the DA up to speed. There are some issues here."_

_Nick sighed, his face worn with the stress of the case. He grabbed his jacket, walking over to Olivia who was sitting at her desk, "You ready to go face Novak?" he asked._

_"Uhm…" her voice was tired and it worried him. "Do you mind if I don't go? I don't feel so great all of the sudden…"_

_"What's wrong?" he asked fearfully. "You don't look good…are you sick?"_

_"No," she shook her head. "I just feel weird all of the sudden…there's this ache in my back…and I feel a little off…" she exhaled slowly. "Maybe I should go home…"_

_"You want me to drive you?" he asked. _

_"No…I'm fine," she promised. "Just go…take Rollins."_

_"You two ready?" Cragen asked, walking over to them. "I'm going too…I'm gonna have to explain all this…"_

_"I'm ready," Nick offered. "And I'll bring Amanda. Liv's going home…she's not feeling well."_

_Cragen looked questioningly at her, "You okay?" he asked._

_"I'm fine," she insisted. "I'm probably coming down with something," she said, knowing he didn't believe her._

_"Okay," he nodded. "Go on home and rest then."_

_She watched them leave, and then she grabbed her things and headed out, getting to her apartment and falling on the couch with sheer exhaustion. She couldn't even make it to the bedroom she was so weak and tired. All she could think of was that she was glad she was leaving New York soon because there was no way she could hide being pregnant anymore._

_Nick had called that night, he said to tell her about the case but she suspected it was just to check up on her. She'd promised him she was feeling better, and she was…and he'd told her about a plan to use Rollins as bait to catch Brian Smith in the act. "She'll pose as a jogger in the park where he works…then Fin and I will be hanging around and catch him when he makes his move," he said, proud of the plan._

_"Cragen approved that?" she asked._

_"It was the only way to get him," Nick told her. "Novak says unless we catch him in the act, a jury will never convict because all the evidence could just as clearly point to Gabriel."_

_She sighed, "Well I guess I'll meet you at the park in the morning then."_

_"No…" he insisted. "It's too dangerous. You are not doing an undercover job, Liv. I'll tell Cragen if you try…"_

_"Nick," she pleaded. "I have to do my job."_

_"I already took care of that," he said. "I told Cragen you'd probably come back tomorrow even though you're not feeling well and that he should keep you at the station so you didn't jeopardize the case."_

_"Jeopardize the case?" she snickered. "What the hell…"_

_"Think of your baby," he said, knowing she had no argument for that._

_Four days later they finally caught Brian Smith, but not before Rollins had nearly taken a knife to the throat and Amaro almost destroyed the case by beating the guy with his bare fists. Thank goodness Fin was there to stop him. Olivia stood outside the interrogation room, watching while Fin and Munch got nowhere with the suspect, and then again as Rollins took her turn in with him. She had the overwhelming sense that no one would miss her when she told them she was leaving. Amanda Rollins was making a name for herself while Olivia Benson was fading away. She sighed, feeling achy and tired and wishing she could just quit and be done right then and there. _

_When Brian Smith finally confessed to his crimes, Olivia and Nick were able to release Gabriel and they took him to see his twin for the first time. It was surreal, and when she watched this man whose life was practically destroyed, she felt physically ill. They should have done more to protect him._

_"You want a ride home?" Nick asked, as they were walking toward the door, leaving early at Cragen's insistence now that the case was finally over, and even though they were all still on call, they hoped they wouldn't have to come back in._

_"No," Olivia forced a weak smile. "I actually have a doctor's appointment. I called earlier…she said she'd see me…"_

_"You're still feeling bad?" Nick asked._

_She shook her head, "I don't feel bad…just off…it's hard to explain. I just want to see my doctor and make sure everything's okay."_

_"I'll drive you," Nick offered. _

_"You don't have to," Olivia argued. _

_"I know," he smiled, "But I want to."_

_They drove in silence, and all Olivia could think about was how Elliot used to insist on giving her rides home at the end of the day. She'd thought it was a sign of his love, but now she knew it was just his way of being in control. They pulled up in front of the office building and Olivia opened the door, "Thanks," she smiled. "I appreciate the ride."_

_"I'll take you home after," he offered. "I have a few errands to run around here anyway."_

_She knew he was lying, but she also recognized his stubbornness. "Okay…I'll meet you here in an hour or so." He nodded, giving her a warm smile and she closed the car door and walked into the doctor's office._

_The doctor smiled, making small talk as she went through Olivia's medical chart. "How have you been feeling?" she asked._

_"I feel okay," Olivia answered. "I was getting sick a lot, but this last week I've felt a lot better."_

_"You said you felt a little off," the doctor reminded her. "When you called earlier…you seemed worried."_

_Olivia shrugged, "My back aches…and I know I'm not far enough along for that. And my stomach hurts…not a queasy feeling…but a dull pain…I can't explain it. And I'm just worried because I've never been pregnant before and I don't know what feels normal…but this feels off to me."_

_"Okay," the doctor had her lean back on the table. "Let's check on your little one so we can put your mind at ease." She pulled out the Doppler, pressing it to her stomach in an attempt to hear the baby's heartbeat, and Olivia could tell by the expression on her face that something was wrong. The doctor looked at her and gave a weak smile, "I think I'd like to do an ultrasound…just to check…"_

_"What's wrong?" Olivia's voice was panicked. "What's wrong with my baby?"_

_"I couldn't detect the heartbeat…but sometimes babies like to hide," the doctor tried to put her mind at ease. "We'll be able to tell for sure on the ultrasound."_

_"Tell for sure…" Olivia cried. "Tell what for sure?"_

_"Just stay calm…okay" she left her laying on the examination table and Olivia could've sworn she could hear her own heart beating through her chest. She had never been more afraid._

_The doctor came back in, this time with a nurse and an ultrasound tech and Olivia couldn't help but wonder why she'd brought in back up. Probably to help her give the bad news. They looked at one another during the ultrasound, but not at her. She could tell something was wrong, and she didn't want their pity…she just wanted them to be honest with her. Finally the doctor looked at her, her voice gentle and sorrowful, "I'm sorry…" she said and Olivia couldn't stop crying long enough to hear the rest. After a few minutes the nurse squeezed her hand and asked her if they could call someone for her, and she forced herself to stop crying then. The doctor sat beside her, "There's no heartbeat," she said softly. "And according your chart…the baby should be almost nine weeks, but it's measuring around seven and a half…"_

_"What?" she asked, knowing she should understand what the doctor was telling her, but she wasn't able to._

_"There hasn't been a heartbeat for over a week," the doctor explained. "That's probably why you haven't had any morning sickness this week."_

_"But…" Olivia cried. "I don't understand. How could I have a miscarriage and not know? I'm not bleeding…"_

_"I know," the doctor said seriously. "It's called a missed miscarriage. Sometimes the body takes a long time to start the process of expelling the product of conception…it can take weeks…"_

_"Weeks?" Olivia asked. The doctor's description running through her mind…not her baby…just a product of conception. _

_"We can take care of it before then if you want," the doctor explained. "We can go in and surgically remove the remains of the pregnancy…or we can give you medication to start the process within a few hours…It might start on its own anyway, the back ache you've been describing is a sign it could happen any time…"_

_Olivia felt sick. She didn't know what to do. Her baby was gone, and she was listening to the doctor tell her the different things they could do to remove it from her body. All she could think about was that she'd let Elliot think she'd killed their child…and now the baby was dead. "I don't know what to do…" she cried._

_"Maybe you should talk it over with someone," the doctor suggested. "Your boyfriend?"_

_She shook her head, "I don't have anyone." _

_The doctor looked sadly at her, "Okay…well if I were you…I'd choose the surgery or the medication. That way you can get it taken care of quickly. If you wait for things to progress naturally…you never know when it will happen and you could be at work and all of the sudden have debilitating cramps and heavy bleeding…I don't think you'd want that to happen."_

_"Which one is safer…the surgery or the medication?" she asked tearfully. She couldn't think straight and she just wanted someone to tell her what to do._

_"They are both safe," the doctor assured her. "The medication route might be a little more painful during the process because of the contractions…but there is always a risk with surgery."_

_"Okay," she nodded, "I'll do the medication…"_

_"I can give you the prescription and you can take it at home," the doctor told her. "But you'll need someone with you. You can't be alone…in case you get faint or lose too much blood too quickly…"_

_"I don't have anyone!" Olivia shouted. "Why don't you understand that? I'm all alone…my baby's dead…and the baby was all I had…"_

_"Okay…" the doctor took her hand, squeezing it tight. "It's going to be okay. I'll admit you to the hospital then and we'll do it there. You can come in first thing in the morning…"_

_She walked toward the exit, her hospitalization orders in hand and she wanted to scream. She'd stopped crying, unable to form the tears anymore. She'd never felt a loss like this before…she was broken. Her face was pale as she pushed the door open, wondering if she should call a cab or attempt to walk home when she saw Amaro's car and remembered he was supposed to drive her. She walked to the car, opening the door and sliding into the seat beside him. He smiled at her, but then his face dropped when he looked in her eyes. "What's wrong?" he asked._

_She cleared her throat, holding in her tears, "There's no heartbeat…" she said, her voice lacking the emotion she felt. "I have to go into the hospital in the morning…I have to tell Cragen something…"_

_"Liv," he looked at her and wanted to cry. "Don't worry about Cragen…are you okay?"_

_She shook her head, "No…I don't think I'll ever be okay again."_

She had tears in her eyes and Elliot stared at her in disbelief, "You lost the baby?" he asked sadly.

"I should have told you," she cried. "I'm so sorry…I was so hurt and I just couldn't face you after what you already thought about me."

"Liv…" he didn't know what to say. "I should have been there…you went through that by yourself…"

"I wanted you…" she admitted. "It was awful…and I wanted you to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay…but it was my fault you weren't there. I knew that then…and I know it now."

"I should never have assumed you had an abortion," he sighed. "I knew you better than that. I guess I was looking for way to put an end to all of it…and I let myself believe something I knew in my heart wasn't true."

"I let you believe it," she reminded him. "And I made you start drinking to forget the pain of it all…"

"No…" he argued, "You didn't make me start drinking. I made that choice…and I let it get out of hand. And Liv…I'm the one who has to decided when it's time to commit to ending this…but I'm not sure I'm ready yet. I don't think I am ready to stop because as soon as I do…everything will become so much clearer…so much more painful…and I can't face that right now."

"I know," she admitted, leaning her head on his shoulder and letting her tears fall. She hadn't been that close to him in years and feeling his body pressed against hers was frightening.

She started to lift her head up, but then he put his arm around her and held her close, leaning forward and softly kissing her temple, brushing her hair out of her face. "I'll try…" he promised. "I could never take seeing you cry…"

She pulled away from him, her voice serious and stern, "You can't do this for me," she said honestly. "You have to do this for you…for your kids…but definitely not for me."

He lay back on the couch, "Will you stay with me?" he asked. "Until I fall asleep…_if_ I fall asleep?"

"Sure…" she agreed, sitting back in the chair and clicking on the TV, but neither of them were watching it. They had too many painful thoughts invading their minds to focus on anything else.

**More soon...**


	14. Chapter 14

**I am really honored to read so many reviews on this story. I am glad the majority of those leaving reviews seem to like it, and I hope that continues. Many people have asked in reviews and PMs if I was going to write the hospital scene where Liv loses the baby. I did write it, and I hope it is all you expect from such an emotional scene. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I think we should keep that in mind while reading this, and take this time to remember all the little babies who were gone too soon, but live on forever in the hearts of those who loved them.**

"What are you doing?" Olivia's eyes jerked open at the sound and she sat up quickly in the chair where she'd fallen asleep. She looked at Elliot, standing in front of her.

"I'm going to the bathroom," he sighed, and she wasn't sure if he was telling the truth or not. "Why don't you go to bed? You've been asleep for almost an hour."

She rubbed her eyes and yawned, "No…" she shook her head. "I told you I'd stay here with you…and I will…" He walked down the hall toward the bathroom and she stood up, walking to the kitchen and opening the cabinet where she'd hidden the wine. She pulled it out, noticing the bottle was open and some of the wine was missing and she closed her eyes in defeat. "Damn it…" she sighed, taking the bottle in the living room and sitting it on the coffee table.

Elliot came back into the room and he looked from her angry face to the wine bottle, and sat down without saying anything. "Care to explain this?" she asked bitterly.

"There's nothing to explain," he said. "I found it…I just…"

"You just _what_?" she asked. "Decided to go ahead and take a drink even though your little granddaughter is fighting for her life, even though she has no one but you, even though you practically killed your son and you'll never see him again unless you get your life together? Damn it, El…don't you care about them?"

"I _love_ them…" he shouted, and Noah began to stir and fuss. "Don't you sit there and judge me…you have no right…you don't understand…"

Olivia walked over to the crib, picking up her son and letting him rest his head on her shoulder while she patted his back. "What do you think I don't understand?" she asked, trying to keep her voice at a more even level so as not to disturb the baby.

"The pain," he said truthfully.

"You think I don't understand _pain_?" she sputtered. "Damn you! You have no idea the pain I've been through the last few years…_no idea_…"

"Then tell me," he said. "You want to judge my life…but yours obviously isn't perfect."

"Judge your life?" she sighed. "El…I'm not judging you. I want to help you."

He shook his head and sighed, "You can't even admit your life isn't perfect, can you?"

"_Perfect_?" she snickered. "Are you fucking kidding me? El…what happened with us…it nearly killed me. I lost our baby, and there was nothing I could do…one second I was a mom and the next I was carrying a dead baby inside of me and there was no one there…no one to hold my hand or tell me things would get better…I'd kept that secret to protect you and so no one even knew my child existed, except Nick and I had to mourn that baby all by myself because I didn't have the strength to let him help me. And then when I finally thought I was getting my life back together…I was kidnapped and tortured by a madman. I thought I was going to die…and even after Nick found me and I was home, I couldn't function…I couldn't be myself anymore. And then it happened again…and all I could think throughout all of it, was that _you_ weren't there to protect me from any of it. You'd always been there…and I didn't have that anymore. You stopped caring about me the second you left the job, and it shattered me to know that."

"Nick?" he asked. "You have something going on with him now?"

"Fuck you!" she yelled and the baby started to cry. She kissed his cheek and walked with him back and forth across the room until he settled down, looking at Elliot with anger, "He's a friend…a much better friend than you've been the last few years. So don't you dare…"

"I'm sorry…" he said sadly. "I don't know why I said that…"

"Because you're an asshole," she sighed, sitting down with Noah and rocking him. "Don't sit there and judge my life either…because I've lived through hell and managed to come out of it a better person. I started drinking too…there were times last year that I was drinking two bottles of wine a night just to erase some of the pain and block out the memories…"

"What?" he asked in disbelief. "Liv…after your mom…"

She shook her head, "Don't…you don't get to judge me now…"

"I'm not," he said honestly. "I'm sorry…I didn't know…"

"But I stopped," she said. "I quit because I couldn't become the person my mom was. I couldn't do that to the people I care about…to the squad and to Noah…I haven't had a drink since he came into my life. And tonight…I went to dump this damn bottle and when I saw it was open, that _you_ had opened it…my heart broke all over again and I wanted to drink it…" she cried. "Because if I can't help you…when you have so much to quit for…how the hell am I supposed to keep myself from falling down that same evil spiral again?" She held her son close and let her tears fall.

He stood up, grabbing the bottle from the table and taking it to the kitchen, pouring it down the drain and then sitting the empty bottle down hard on the counter. "There…" he said, coming back into the room and sitting close to her chair, looking her in the eyes. "I never mean to do that to you," he admitted. "I didn't know how dark things were for you, Liv. If I had…I'd have done something…I swear…"

"_Done something_?" she asked. "What the hell do you think you could've done?"

"Been there…" he said sadly, tears stinging his eyes. "I would've been there." She nodded sadly, knowing he meant the words he said even if it was far too late. "Go to bed," he told her. "I'm fine out here by myself…there's nothing else to drink so you don't have to worry…"

"I didn't stay out here to keep you from drinking," she said. "I stayed because you said you couldn't go to sleep and I didn't want you to be alone with all the pain…"

"How do you face being alone with the pain?" he asked. "Without drinking it away?"

She looked down at Noah and gave a weak smile, "I'm not alone anymore," she said softly. She stood up, carrying the baby with her, "I'm going to take him to my room," she said. Elliot nodded and watched her walk away, then he clicked off the TV and closed his eyes, even though he knew sleep would never come.

_She hadn't slept all night, looking at the ultrasound photo on her nightstand and wondering what she'd done wrong. How could her baby be gone? She'd tried to do everything right, and it still hadn't mattered. She looked through her clothes, wondering what was appropriate for a trip to the hospital to have your whole life ripped out from inside your body, and decided to throw on yoga pants and a t-shirt since she was sure they'd force her to wear one of those revealing cotton gowns anyway. She wanted to die…that was all she could think of…she didn't know how she could go on._

_There was a knock at the door, and she burst into tears, unable to stop. Who the hell could that be? She looked through the peep hole, wiping her eyes and opening it. "What are you doing here?" she asked Nick, as he pushed his way into her apartment._

_"I'm taking you to the hospital," he said, as if she should have known he was coming._

_"No…" she shook her head. "I have a cab coming. Go to work."_

_"I'm taking you," he insisted and picked up her bag. "Did you call Cragen?" he asked._

_She nodded slightly, "I told him I had a female problem that I had to get taken care of. He didn't ask questions…"_

_Nick nodded, "You should tell him." _

_"I don't have any reason to," she said sadly. "There's nothing to tell…"_

_They pulled up in front of the hospital and he walked her inside. She insisted she didn't want him to stay, and he was adamant about not leaving. When she was settled in her room, the doctor came in and she asked Nick to leave, so he stood in the hall waiting._

_"Can you check again?" Olivia asked the doctor as she explained the medication she would be using. "Please…just double check…"_

_The doctor nodded, pulling over the ultrasound machine and completing the exam. She looked at Olivia, "Do you want to see?" she asked sadly, and Olivia nodded. She turned the screen, pointing to the image, "There's no heartbeat…no movement…underdeveloped…"_

_Olivia couldn't understand anything she was telling her. She just stared at the screen, knowing she had failed her once chance at being a mother. "Okay…" she cried. "I'm ready…" The doctor inserted the tablets, explaining to her that she could have chills and nausea for the first hour and then the contractions would start around hour two. She could go home when the pregnancy tissue was expelled and she'd need to rest the next couple of weeks while she waited for the bleeding to stop._

_The doctor walked out to the hall, motioning Nick to come over, "She's going to get through this," she said. "We'll analyze the tissue, but if there aren't any problems, she can have another baby. You just have to wait until she's fully healed."_

_He realized she thought he was the father and he didn't correct her. It wasn't the time. "Can I see her?" he asked and the doctor nodded._

_"Call the nurse if she gets too sick or is in too much pain. They'll bring her some painkillers," she said. "I'm really sorry for your loss…"_

_He nodded, and pushed open the door. Olivia was sitting up in bed, flipping mindlessly through the channels on the television, her eyes red and swollen with tears. "Hey…" he said gently as he sat beside her bed. "How are you feeling?"_

_She clicked off the TV and looked at him, "I don't want to do this…" she sobbed and he took her hand and held it tight. _

_"I know…" he choked on his words and didn't know what to say to her. There was nothing to say. "I'm gonna stay with you…"_

_"No…" she argued. "Please don't…I can't go through this with you here. I can't have someone watching me…"_

_"I'm not watching you," he insisted. "I want to help you."_

_"I don't want you here," she cried. "Please…just go…I want to say good-bye to my baby in my own way…on my own…"_

_He nodded, knowing he couldn't make her accept his help. "You can have them call me…if you need someone," he said. "I'll be here…"_

_"Thanks," she sniffled. "But I'll be fine. I'll probably be home by tonight."_

_"Do you want me to call Elliot?" he asked, knowing he was overstepping his bounds but knowing she shouldn't go through this alone._

_"No!" she gasped. "Please, Nick…don't tell anyone…especially not him…"_

_"You're not going to tell him?" he asked._

_She shook his head, "As far as he's concerned…we have no baby." He wasn't sure what she meant by that, but he hated Elliot Stabler for putting her through it. He nodded sadly, squeezing her hand and telling her good-bye. Then he walked out the door and went to work._

_It had been four hours, and the pain was getting stronger. She lay curled up on her side, clutching the side rails of the bed, and trying to breathe through the cramps that were overtaking her body. The nurse stood beside her blotting her forehead with a damp cloth. "Are you sure you don't want pain medication?" she asked and Olivia shook her head. She didn't want pain meds. Regardless of the fact that the hospital staff kept referring to it as product of conception and pregnancy tissue, in her heart she believed she was bringing her dead child into the world and she wanted to feel every moment of it. She felt like she owed the baby that much…she owed herself that much._

_The nurse left her alone, and Olivia knew she had a short window of alone time before the woman returned. She appreciated the care they were giving her, but seeing everyone look at her with pity made her even more uncomfortable. The cramps let up briefly, and she let out a deep breath not even realizing she'd been holding it. The doctor told her the cramps were actually contractions brought on by the medication, but she hadn't realized how painful they would be. While other women had contractions that brought forth new life from their bodies…she was bringing forth death. Other women were taking home precious, cuddly babies…and she would be going home alone. She was always alone…she'd always be alone._

_She picked up her phone from the table beside her bed, and scrolled through the contacts until she found his name. Maybe Nick was right…she should tell Elliot the truth. She clicked on his name, taking a deep breath as she heard the ringing on the line…once…twice…three times. He wasn't going to answer. She heard his voice, strong and clear on the voicemail greeting, and her mind was racing. She couldn't leave a message telling him she'd lied about the abortion and now she was losing the baby. He'd never forgive her. She hung up and the debilitating cramps returned and she curled up on the bed and cried in pain._

_It was hours before they let her go home. She'd taken a cab, sitting uncomfortably in the back seat cringing at every bump in the road and each sudden stop. The bleeding was still heavy, but the doctor was sure she'd passed all the tissue a few hours before and it was safe for her to go home. She could barely get out of the cab on her own, throwing cash and the driver and stumbling up the stairs to her apartment. It seemed to take hours before she made it to her own front door. She pushed the door open, walking into her apartment. It felt different…she felt different. Nothing was the same now. Nothing would ever be the same._

_She walked to the bedroom, changing into something less restricting than her regular clothes and falling back on the bed. She was tired, and in pain, and she wasn't sure she could get through the night on her own. Her phone beeped, and she picked it up, seeing a text from Nick. "Are you home?" it read. "I went to the hospital and they said you were released."_

_She sighed, texting him back, "I'm home. I'm going to bed."_

_Her phone rang then and she knew it was him, but she didn't answer it. When the voicemail alert dinged, she listened to his message, "Liv…I can come over if you need me. I want to make sure you're okay. Call me back when you get this." But she didn't call him back. She didn't need anyone anymore. The only person she'd ever needed was gone._

_She curled up on her side, trying to relieve the pain and stared at the ultrasound photo again. She knew she should put it away. It would hurt every time she looked at it…but she wasn't ready yet. It was going to hurt even if it wasn't there and right now it was all she had…the only evidence that for a brief moment in time…she'd been someone's mother. Her heart couldn't let go of that…not yet. She picked up the photo, watching it blur through her tears. "I loved you…" she sobbed, holding the picture to her heart. "I'm sorry I couldn't get you here happy and healthy…I'm so sorry…"_

"Mama…" Noah's tiny voice echoed in her ear and she opened her eyes and smiled at him. He was sitting on the bed beside her, tapping on her with his chubby little fist. "Mama…" he said again and she sat up and put him in her lap.

"Hey, my sweet boy," she kissed him and he giggled. "Did you sleep well with Mommy last night?" she noticed the sunlight streaming through the windows and realized she'd slept later than she meant to. She needed to get up, get ready for work, get Noah ready for his day with Lucy…but instead she leaned back against her pillows and held the baby close to her. "I love you," she brushed the hair back from his face and he giggled, making her smile. "I don't think you'll ever know how much."

**More to come...**


	15. Chapter 15

**Thanks again for all the reviews. Here is a little more. I hope to have another post ready today, but we'll have to wait and see.**

She took the baby into the living room, laying him in his crib and changing his diaper, dressing him for the day. Then she sat him in the highchair, putting Cheerios on the tray, smiling as he picked them up one at a time with his plump little fingers and put them in his mouth. She looked at Elliot, sleeping on the couch and she knew she needed to wake him before Lucy arrived, but he was finally asleep and she didn't want to disturb him. She picked up the empty wine bottle from the counter, shaking her head and tossing it into the recycle bin.

She filled Noah's sippy cup, handing it to him and started putting away the contents of the cabinets that Elliot had tossed out the night before. He'd been back in her life for a couple of days and already she was cleaning up his messes. "Let me help you," his voice startled her and she jumped a little. Looking at him, he picked up one of the boxes, "I'm sorry…I drug all this stuff out and you shouldn't have to clean it up."

"You fell asleep," she said, standing back and watching him clean.

He shrugged, "Off and on the last couple of hours. Did you sleep?"

She nodded, "Yeah…it's hard not to fall asleep with Noah cuddled next to you." She gave a weak smile and looked at her little boy eating his breakfast.

"He's a real cutie, Liv," he smiled. "I'm glad you have him…that you could have another baby…after what happened…" She knew she should tell him that Noah wasn't her biological child, but before she could he shocked her. "When you were kidnapped…I saw it on the news. I didn't know what to do, and I wanted to help but I knew if I came back Cragen would kick me on my ass. Were you pregnant with Noah when that guy took you? You said he's eleven months old…so…"

"No…El…" she sighed. "I wasn't pregnant…I've only been pregnant the one time. I'm adopting Noah…he's in foster care and the judge said I could adopt him at the end of a year."

"Oh," he nodded, "I'm glad…I mean, I'm glad you have him…and I'm glad you weren't pregnant when you were kidnapped…"

"Why were you scared of Cragen?" she asked, with uncertainty. "You said you wanted to help look for me but he'd knock you on your ass…why?"

He took a deep breath, putting down the plates he had in his hands and looking at her, "He called me…when you were in the hospital…when you lost the baby."

"_What_?" she asked, her face paling at the realization.

"I didn't realize what he was saying…I swear…If I had known you were losing the baby I would've come," he insisted.

"What did he say?" she asked nervously.

"He said you were in the hospital and I needed to get up there," Elliot told her. "He said there were complications…and I thought he meant complications from the abortion…he never said miscarriage…I swear…" he sighed. "I guess it shouldn't have mattered…I should've gone anyway."

"What did you say?" she asked.

He shook his head, "Liv…I'm sorry…"

"What did you _say_?" she asked again. "Tell me…"

"I told him that I wasn't going…" he closed his eyes, "That you deserved it…after what you'd done…and that I didn't care…" She felt her pulse race. Cragen knew…

"I didn't think he knew…about the baby." She said sadly. "He never told me he knew. I told him I was having a female issue…a minor surgery and he never said a word."

Elliot cleared his throat, "He told me if I ever set foot near you again, he'd kill me…and he meant it. I know he did."

"He did mean it," she said knowingly. "And you deserved it."

"I know I did," he admitted. "Liv…I'm sorry…I know I'll never be able to make any of this up to you. I won't even try. But I need you to know that I was in a really bad place then…that I didn't know why I'd even let myself get into such a mess…and I was like a scared kid when you told me you were pregnant. I didn't know how to get out of the mess I'd created…I wanted to be with you, but I couldn't abandon my family either…"

"Kathy told me you were going to leave her…for me and the baby. Is that true?" she asked.

"I told her…finally," he admitted. "The night after I asked you to give the baby up. I felt so guilty because I knew how hurt you were…and I didn't really want you to give the baby away, and I knew you wouldn't…I just said it because I needed you to know that I couldn't be the person you needed me to be. But when you were so hurt and crying so hard…it nearly killed me. I needed Kathy to know that I couldn't stay with her…because we hadn't been in love for a very long time, and our unhappiness wasn't going away. So I told her that I'd cheated on her…and I told her I was sorry, but I didn't love her anymore…and she knew. She didn't love me either…she wanted a divorce, but then I told her you were pregnant and she took it really hard. She said she always knew I wanted you and not her…that she wasn't going to make it easy for us."

"She _knew_…the day she saw me at the clinic?" Olivia asked. "She knew I was pregnant with your baby when she saw me crying in the bathroom?"

He nodded, "She came home and told me she saw you…that she thought you'd had an abortion and that it was all my fault because I'd hurt you as much as I'd hurt her. I didn't believe you'd done it, but when I called to ask…you didn't deny it. You said it was over…and I thought…God, Liv…I've thought for the last three years that I made you kill our baby…I couldn't live with myself…"

I shouldn't have let you think that," she said truthfully. "I've felt guilty about it all these years."

"I hurt you," he said sadly. "Did I cause the miscarriage? Was it because of me…because of the stress I caused you or the emotional pain?"

She shook her head, "No El…it was just something that happened…no one knows why. Sometimes I think there was something I could've done…I'd felt off for a few days…if I'd called the doctor sooner or if I'd stayed home from work and rested…"

"You didn't cause the miscarriage, Liv," he said with a sad seriousness that gave her chills. "I know how much you loved that baby…I know you would've been a wonderful mother…even if I was a shitty father."

There was a knock at the door and Noah giggled and turned to look toward it. Olivia cleared her throat, "Lucy's here…he loves her," she picked the baby up and walked to the door.

_"What are you doing here?" she asked, opening up the door and seeing Nick standing before her with a take-out bag from her favorite Chinese place. _

_"I brought you food," he said, walking past her and sitting on the couch. He started taking containers out of the bag and motioned for her to join him, "Come on…before it gets cold."_

_"I'm not very hungry," she said, still standing at the door. _

_"You have to eat," he reminded her. "Come on…sit down."_

_She walked over and sat beside him, looking at the food and not wanting to taste it. She hadn't eaten in days…she didn't want to. The thought of putting the food in her mouth and chewing seemed impossible at this point. It was too much work. Nick put some containers in front of her and she leaned back, refusing to even try._

_"How are you feeling?" he asked. "You look good…"_

_She rolled her eyes, and looked down at her gray sweat pants and baggy t-shirt, "Yeah…I'm a real looker…" she snickered. _

_"I meant you look like you're getting better," he said seriously. "Are you still in a lot of pain?" he asked. "It's only been three days."_

_She shook her head, "No…I'm fine," she sighed. "I think I'm going to call Cragen and tell him I'm ready to come back to work."_

_"Liv…" he said with caution. "You can't come back yet. You know that."_

_"I can if I tell him I'm ready," she argued. "I can't just sit around here forever doing nothing. I have to get my mind on other things."_

_"Your doctor told me you needed to rest for a couple of weeks," he reminded her. "Until the bleeding lets up…" he knew he was pushing boundaries, but he was worried about her._

_"Why was my doctor talking to you?" she asked, angry and embarrassed. _

_"I think she thought I was the father…" he admitted._

_"How dare you…" she sputtered._

_"I'm sorry…Okay…but we all care about you and we all want you to get better," He argued._

_"We?" she asked. "Who the hell is WE?"_

_"All of us…me, Amanda, Fin, Cragen…" he explained._

_"You told THEM?" she stood up and walked to the door. "Get out…just go…"_

_"I didn't tell them," he insisted. "You told Cragen you were having surgery…that's all I meant…they want you to rest and get better. You can't come back yet." He walked to the door._

_"Just go…" she cried. "Please…leave…"_

_"I'm going," he said. "I didn't mean to upset you…I care about you, okay? If you need something…"_

_"I know," she sighed. "Just go, okay…and please don't tell anyone…"_

_He nodded, "Eat some of the food…okay? You won't heal if you don't at least eat a little."_

_She slammed the door behind him, locking it and walking past all the food on the coffee table. Right now, she didn't want to get better. She walked to her room, curled up on the bed, and fell asleep._

She'd dropped Elliot off at the hospital, and she had to admit she was worried. She wasn't sure he could be trusted not to drink, but she couldn't monitor him twenty-four hours a day either. She wanted to look into rehab and try to convince him to go, but right now she wasn't sure he was ready. She wondered if he ever would be.

She walked into the station, and the place was mostly empty. Maybe they'd have a quiet day for once. She'd been at her desk ten minutes when Amanda Rollins walked in, "I have Professor Gothe in interrogation," she said. "I spent most of yesterday going around campus, talking to students…there were lots of girls who said he gave them a creepy vibe…and one who said he assaulted her when she went for a tutoring session…"

"Why didn't she report it?" Olivia asked.

"She said she needed an A, or she'd lose her scholarship," Amanda said seriously. "He knows how to find the girls who'll keep quiet…"

"I want to get that son of bitch," Olivia cringed. "Get him to confess…get him to agree to a DNA test so we can check that against Libby…"

"Libby?" Amanda asked.

"Elizabeth Stabler's baby girl," Olivia smiled, "Her name is Libby."

Amanda nodded, "Okay…you want to observe?"

Olivia nodded, "I'll be there in a minute. Do you know where Nick is?"

"He just got back from interviewing a witness. I think he's at his desk," she said.

"Send him in here, please," Olivia asked as Amanda left.

A few minutes later Nick appeared in the door way, "You wanted to see me?" he asked.

She looked at him and motioned him in, "Close the door," she said seriously and he pulled it behind him.

"Liv…what's going on?" he asked nervously. "Is something wrong?"

She looked at him and her eyes filled with tears that stung as she tried to hold them back, "How the hell did Cragen find out about my baby?" she asked.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Nick said, and he knew she didn't believe him.

"Don't give me that…" she sighed. "He called Elliot…"

Nick nodded, "I know…I'm sorry…"

"You told him?" she asked. "When you promised me you wouldn't?"

"You think he didn't know you were pregnant?" Nick argued. "Liv…he knew. He told me you couldn't do the undercover in the park…and when I asked why…he said I knew the reason and he wanted me to tell you it was my idea, because he wanted you to come to him yourself when you were ready. I tried to get you to tell him…"

"How did he know?" she asked.

"He said any cop worth anything would be able to tell if his best detective was pregnant…" he sighed. "Coming to work late, running to the bathroom all the time, switching to the decaf coffee…"

"So when I told him I was having surgery?" she asked. "What did he think?"

"He asked me…and I told him," Nick admitted. "I'm sorry…"

She shook her head, "No…I shouldn't have asked you to lie for me." Then she looked nervously at him, "Did you tell him about Elliot?"

He shook his head, "He knew…he said if you were pregnant, he knew it was Elliot's baby. And he said he was going to call him and get him there to be with you, but when he called, Elliot said…" he closed his eyes. "He was sorry but he couldn't come…"

"That's not what he said," Olivia sighed. "I know what he said, Nick. He said I deserved it…and he didn't care…"

"If you know that," Nick asked. "Why are you still trying to help him?"

She shook her head, "Because we both made mistakes…he didn't know I was losing the baby…" she closed her eyes. "He thought I was having complications, from an abortion. I let him think I aborted the baby…"

"Why?" he asked.

She shrugged, "Because…I hated him and I wanted to hurt him, the way he'd hurt me. And now…he's so screwed up…he's worse than half the people we see here…I have to help him."

"You don't have to," Nick insisted. "He doesn't deserve your help. He's never been there to help you."

"His family needs me to help him," she said honestly. "I tore their world apart…and now, I need to fix it."

**More soon...**


	16. Chapter 16

**Thanks again for all the reviews. I didn't expect so many opinions about the future (or lack thereof) for Liv/El's relationship. I know I can't please everyone, but we'll just see where it goes. I wanted to say I agree she is way too hard on herself, and she will realize that in time. This was not her fault...and I hope I haven't made it seem that way. Just because a character feels a certain way, doesn't mean I feel that way too. Just wanted to clear that up. :) Anyway...please continue to review. I love your thoughts!**

Olivia stood outside, watching through the viewing window while Amanda tried to get the professor to admit to raping Lizzie and the other girls. She stared at him…early forties, pot-bellied, receding red hair and thick glasses. It made her sick to think about what he'd done to Elizabeth and she prayed they'd be able to stop him from doing the same to more girls. She hoped Amanda would get the information they needed to put him away.

"I might be that baby's father," he admitted. "But that's only because Liz _wanted_ to sleep with me. She came over to my place…she seduced me," he exclaimed. "I offered her money to put the baby up for adoption because I didn't want to lose my job. I'd get fired for having a relationship with a student."

"A _relationship_?" Amanda asked with disgust. "Liz told her boyfriend you attacked her."

"Well," he took off his glasses and wiped them on his shirt, his actions agitated and nervous. "Of course she'd tell her boyfriend that it wasn't her fault…she wouldn't want him to dump her. She was a very insecure girl…came from a broken home and all."

"But you said you were in a relationship with her," Amanda reminded him. "If it was a relationship…then why did you only have sex the one time? Why did she go back to her boyfriend?"

"I told her no," his voice quivered. "I told her it was wrong and I couldn't sleep with my students…"

"Then what about Hayley Palmer?" Amanda asked. "She says you invited her to your place for tutoring…and you raped her too. You gonna try to say you were in a relationship with her?"

"Relationship…not really…it was just sex. She's a promiscuous girl…and I let her…" he started, but Amanda interrupted him.

"You _let_ her?" she sputtered. "You attacked her…_and_ Lizzie Stabler…and who knows how many other girls. And you fathered that baby…"

He shook his head frantically, "I'll pay child support for the baby…or take custody of her…whatever you want…"

"You think we want you to take the baby?" Amanda asked. "Are you serious? You're not getting anywhere near that baby…you're going to jail…"

"No," his body shook and he couldn't stop. "I don't want to go to jail…please. I didn't do anything wrong…those girls wanted to sleep with me."

"Because you're such a stud?" Amanda asked and rolled her eyes. "You might as well start telling the truth now. Your lies are getting you nowhere!"

_"You sure you're ready to be back?" Cragen asked when she walked into the station. It had been two and half weeks, and physically she felt better…emotionally she wasn't sure she ever would. She nodded, not saying anything and he looked more sincerely at her, "Liv…are you okay?" he asked._

_"I'm fine," she nodded, walking over to her desk and going over the messages she'd missed while she was gone. It was a slow day…she couldn't remember the last time she'd spent her entire shift at the station house without going out on a single case. Maybe Cragen was trying to be gentle with her on her first day back, thinking she wasn't fully healed from her imaginary surgery…or maybe there just weren't any new cases. She wasn't focused enough to care. She'd sharpened an entire box of pencils, filled out a report for Nick on a case he'd been working with Rollins, cleaned out her desk drawers…using all her strength to keep from bursting into tears when she saw the peppermint gum she's taken to chewing in order to mask her bad breath during the morning sickness. She tossed it in the trash can and decided to leave early._

_She walked into her apartment that evening, with a bag a groceries. She still wasn't eating much, but she figured she should at least try. She pulled out a few frozen dinners, a package of salad fixings, a can of real coffee, and a bottle of wine. She didn't know which one to try first, the coffee or the wine. It felt like it had been ages since she'd had either one, and it made her tear up to think it had been barely two months. She grabbed a wine glass from the cupboard and poured a glass, taking it into the bedroom where she sat it on the stand by her bed, next to the ultrasound photo she hadn't had the heart to put away yet._

_She'd been reading articles about miscarriage…about the reasons behind them…about ways to heal. The thing that practically every article had stated was that women who miscarried almost always went on to have more children. But she was forty-three years old, and she had no prospects…she couldn't remember the last time she'd been on a date. Her loss was going to be a fresh wound for the rest of her life, because she'd never have another baby to repair the hole in her heart. One article suggested naming the baby, creating some sort of memorial in its memory…but she wasn't sure she was strong enough to do that. She picked up the ultrasound photo, and sipped her wine, and she didn't cry. For the first time, she looked at the picture and didn't burst into uncontrollable sobs. She took another sip, and sat the picture frame back on the nightstand. _

She could hear the yelling before she made it to the NICU. She'd gone to check on Elliot and the baby, to tell him they had the professor in custody, but from the sound of things she was afraid she'd have to take Elliot in as well.

"You have _no_ right!" she heard him scream and she ran down the hall toward him. She saw him, arguing with an older woman and stepped in between them, flashing her badge.

"What's going on here?" she asked.

"She's gonna take Libby from me," he yelled, and Olivia looked at the woman and noticed her badge from social services.

"Why?" she asked the woman. "What's the problem?"

"We had a report," the woman told her. "The baby is in serious condition…she needs someone to make decisions for her. Mr. Stabler has already lost custody of his son due to his excessive drinking…we can't leave the baby in his care."

"What about his ex-wife?" Olivia asked, and she could tell from the woman's reaction that Kathy was the one who had called them. "I know she doesn't want to have to take the baby home, but she can make decisions for her while she's in the hospital…"

The woman shook her head, "She has given up all rights to the baby."

"Well I'm _not_ giving up mine," Elliot argued. "She's my granddaughter…my daughter would want me to take care of her."

"Mr. Stabler…we have to do what is best for your granddaughter," the social worker insisted.

"Being with her family is what's best for her," he argued. "You can't put her up for adoption…"

"El…she's not saying that," Olivia tried to calm him down. She looked at the woman, "You're not saying that, _right_? He can get her back?"

"Mr. Stabler would have to commit to an alcohol rehabilitation program…we'd have to have proof he was clean and sober…do some home visits," the social worker said seriously. "Then we could consider placing her in his care."

"What about now?" Elliot asked. "Who's going to take care of her _now_? Make decisions if something goes wrong…or take her home when the doctors say she's well enough?"

"What about one of the kids?" Olivia asked. "Maureen maybe?"

Elliot shook his head, "She's all the way in Florida…and she can't just up and leave her job to come here for an extended period of time. Kathleen isn't stable enough…and Dickie's in the Army…" he closed his eyes, as the tears slid down his cheeks. "There's no one…"

"I'll make the decisions while she remains hospitalized," the social worker said, her voice softening. "And when she's released, we'll put her in a foster home. If you can prove you've gotten help with the drinking…"

Elliot shook his head, "Can I still see her?" he asked. "Can I stay up here with her?"

"For her protection…" the social worker began and Elliot interrupted her.

"_Damn it_!" he yelled. "I'm not even drunk...I haven't had a drink all day…_please_ don't do this…I'll take a breathalyzer." He looked at Olivia, "Do you have one in the car? Go get it…I'll pass…"

"Mr. Stabler…" the social worker's voice was stern. "It doesn't matter if you are sober right now. You lost custody of your son and you never completed the program needed to get your visitation back. We can't allow you to keep the baby. Now, if you have someone you'd prefer to give temporary custody to, we can try to make that work…a family member or friend…" Elliot shook his head in defeat. He was going to lose his granddaughter and there was nothing he could do about it.

"I'll do it," Olivia heard the words escape her lips and she was surprised by her own offer. She already had one baby…and now she'd volunteered to take on another. Elliot looked at her, his eyes pleading and she turned to the social worker. "I can do it. I already have a foster son…I'm in the process of adopting him…so you can look at my home study and background. While Libby is in the hospital, I can make decisions for her…and while Elliot gets help with his drinking, and finds a safer place to live…and a job," she looked at him seriously, "if Libby gets released, she can come and live with me."

"Are you sure about this?" the social worker asked her and she nodded. She was sure…it was something she had to do. The woman turned to Elliot, "Is this an arrangement you agree with?" she asked.

He nodded, "Yes…I'll get help with the drinking…I swear…and Liv will make the right choices for Libby…I know that. I trust her to take care of my grandbaby."

"I'll make that recommendation then," the woman said, looking at Olivia, "I'll call you tonight with the judge's decision."

Olivia nodded, "Okay…can we stay…with the baby for a while?"

The woman smiled, "Sure…and if Mr. Stabler wants to visit Libby…I don't have a problem with it as long as you're here to supervise." She looked seriously at Elliot, "Mr. Stabler…get help immediately." Then she walked out the door.

Elliot turned to Olivia, his face a sickly gray, "Thank you," he whispered sadly. "I don't know what I would've done…"

Olivia nodded, "I don't want you to lose her, El…but you have to get better. You have to clean yourself up, go into a program, get a job…you can't take her back to that hellhole you live in. You know that, right?"

"I know," he nodded. "I just…I don't even know where to start…"

"I'll look into some treatment programs…and maybe you can start one after Lizzie's funeral," she suggested. "It's in a few days, right?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "I'm not sure how I'll get through that. I really don't know…"

"You will," she promised. "It won't be easy."

"Liv…you didn't have to do this," he cried. "After all I've done…you didn't have to help me."

"I'm helping Libby," she said honestly. "She needs a family."

"I really do love her, Liv," he said, his eyes red with tears. "I feel like she's my fresh start…a chance to show I can be a good person again…"

"You need to show that to Eli too," Olivia added. "He needs a father."

"I know," he admitted. "I've been so ashamed…of what happened with the fire…I can't face him…"

"You could have had your visitation back if you'd done rehab…and you chose not to," she sputtered. "El…I've been blaming myself for what happened between us, for your problems…for _everything_…"

"I told you it wasn't your fault," he said seriously.

"I know…" she nodded, "But I still thought it was. And I was wrong…_you_ did this…you _chose_ this life…"

"I never denied that," he walked over to the incubator and watched his granddaughter's tiny chest rise and fall.

"_Why_?" she asked. "Why would you do this to yourself?"

He looked at her, and shook his head, "Because…I hurt everyone. I hurt Kathy and the kids…I hurt you…I needed to hurt myself. I deserved it…"

"Then what's changed?" Olivia asked seriously. "Because El…if you can't pull it together, you're not getting Libby back."

He nodded, "I have to…for her." He sighed, and looked at the baby. "My kids have Kathy, and they have each other…you have the squad, and now you have Noah…Libby doesn't have anyone but me. And it was my fault Elizabeth didn't report the rape…which led to her being murdered by her boyfriend…everything is my fault."

"We got the professor," Olivia told him. "He tried to lie his way out of it, but eventually he gave in. He never even asked for a lawyer…"

"Is he Libby's father?" he asked. "Does the evidence prove he raped Lizzie?"

"We're waiting on the DNA results," Olivia said. "But I think it will."

He nodded, "I want justice for my daughter."

"I want justice for her too," Olivia took his hand and held it tight. "We need to go," she said softly. "I promised Lucy I'd come home early. She has a date."

He nodded, "I can't believe they want you to babysit me around her," he sighed, reaching through the side of the incubator and rubbing her arm gently. "Goodnight precious girl," he whispered.

"It's only temporary," Olivia reminded him. "If you do what you need to do."

"I will," he promised.

"I'll drop you off on my way," Olivia said as they walked toward the door. "You should start cleaning up the apartment. You can't live there with Libby, but if they make a visit before you get moved you need things to look clean."

"Okay," he nodded, but then stopped. "I'm scared to go back there," he admitted. "I don't think I can…" And she realized that no matter how committed he was to eliminating all alcohol from his life, going back to that apartment would trigger him to drink.

"Do you want to stay with me again?" she asked.

"I never finished cleaning up my mess in your kitchen," he reminded her. "I should do that."

"Okay," she agreed. "Let's go."

**More to come...**


	17. Chapter 17

**Again...thanks for the reviews. I love hearing the thoughts and opinions. I'm glad so far people are enjoying the story. Sorry it has taken a few days to update. I've been super busy, but since it is SVU Wednesday I figured I should get an update done. (By the way...who else thought tonight's episode was amazing? I seriously loved it...and can say no more in case people haven't watched yet.) Okay...back on topic...I hope you like this chapter and I look forward to the reviews!**

"I was wondering," Elliot began as they walked toward the entrance to her apartment building. "Do you have time tomorrow to stay with me at the hospital for a while? Since the social worker said I couldn't be there without you…I don't want Libby to be alone all the time."

Olivia nodded, "I'm not working tomorrow."

"Why?" he asked. "Aren't you working on Lizzie's case?"

"We've got Matthew Kelly," she reminded him, "And we arrested Professor Gothe today. It's over, El…at least from the police standpoint," she looked sadly at him. "I'm so sorry…I wish I could bring some closure to this for you," she pushed open the apartment door and Lucy walked over handing Noah to her. Olivia smiled, kissing the baby on the cheek, "How's my favorite guy today?" she asked.

The baby giggled and Lucy smiled, "He was good…a little cranky at naptime, so he should sleep well tonight. I've got go…" she waved and walked out the door.

"Nothing is going to bring closure to this," Elliot admitted. "Lizzie's dead because of my stupid choices…"

"El, you can't blame yourself for this," Olivia insisted as she put down her bag and walked into the kitchen, sitting Noah in his highchair. "So many things led to this…it's awful, but it wasn't all your fault. It was mine too…and most of all it was the two men who did this to her…they are the ones…"

"They're the ones who hurt her, but we're the ones who messed up her life, Olivia," he argued. "If we'd never…"

"I know…" she said, taking a jar of baby food from the cabinet and warming it up. "We made a huge mistake…it destroyed your marriage and broke apart your family. It was the reason Liz never came to SVU in the first place… I _know_ that. And I'm sorry…but I can't fix it now." She sighed, sadly. "El…if you're going to blame me for this, just say it. Don't beat around the bush."

"No…Liv," he said quickly. "I didn't mean that. It wasn't you…it was _me_. I messed up…I hurt so many people…and now I can't even take care of my granddaughter."

"She's going to be okay," Olivia gave a sad smile. "And so will you…after rehab. You have to commit to it." She sat down in front of Noah's highchair, feeding him small bites and the baby smiled playfully.

"You're a good mom," he said seriously.

"I'm trying," she sighed. "I've already made too many mistakes with him. Work doesn't help…"

"You are though…a good mom." He said again, "I hope you know that…you were meant to be a mother, Liv. I wish you'd had the chance sooner. I wish the baby…well…that things would have been different…"

"Me too," she said tearfully. "But maybe it was meant to be like this…I might not have Noah…and I love him more than I could ever imagine loving someone. He's my everything…"

"He knows that too," Elliot smiled. "He loves his mommy."

"I know he does," she admitted. "I'm so grateful for him…before he came into my life I was really questioning the purpose of it."

"I wonder sometimes…about our baby…" he said sadly. "What a little Benson-Stabler would have looked like…acted like…if it was a boy or a girl…"

She looked up at him, her eyes glistening, "It was a boy…" she whispered, brushing away the teardrops.

_Halloween…it was never one of her favorite holidays, but in her line of work it seemed even worse. Nothing good seemed to happen on Halloween. Little children in costumes, predators in disguise…a lot of sick things could happen on Halloween. This one had been no different._

_Cragen had been treating her with kid-gloves lately. She'd been back at work for almost a month and he hadn't assigned her a single case. She was losing patience…she needed something to take her mind off of things and work was the only thing she had to turn to, and now she didn't even have that. When Calvin had called, asking to spend Halloween with her she figured she might as well say yes. She was worried that seeing the little boy who had been taken from her so abruptly the year before would be too painful given her current situation, but she missed him and his grandparents were willing to join her for the holiday, so she couldn't pass up the chance. Maybe it would be a healing moment._

_They'd only been at the Halloween festival for an hour and Calvin made it clear he was bored. He was growing up and wanted to do something more exciting, and she knew she'd failed once more. She tried to think of something else to do with the boy when her phone rang. She had a case…the first one since she'd been back…and so she had to leave Calvin with his grandparents and hope the boy understood._

_Nate Martell was three months old…missing from his parents' car outside a small grocery store. When she heard the details of the case, she questioned if she could go through with it, but she needed to find this baby…if only to prove to herself that she could go on. She listened as the boy's father, Tim Holland fed her lie after lie. She was convinced he was guilty of something…and Amaro had spent his time trying to get the mother, Allie Martell to turn on Tim. It was hours into the case when they discovered the truth. Allie drew a map to show where they had buried the baby boy and when Olivia watched the recovery crew dig up his remains, she nearly fainted. A tiny baby boy, buried with his blanket and toy on the beach in the Bronx. It took a few more hours before it was determined the baby had died of SIDS, and the parents had both lied trying to cover for one another. Cragen wanted to charge them for lying to the police and covering up the boy's death, but she didn't have the heart. Their baby was gone…they would never recover from the loss…and no amount of punishment would change that. He'd looked at her like she was crazy when she said they should let them go home, but then Nick had supported her decision and Cragen had given in._

_"Rough case," Nick said as they walked out the door. She looked at him and nodded, unable to find the right words. "I know this was hard for you, Liv…I know it was…"_

_"I'm fine," she said, holding in all she was feeling. She couldn't fall apart again. She wasn't sure she could put herself back together. "You should go home to Zara…see if she has any candy left," she forced a smile._

_"Well Halloween's been over for an entire day," he teased. "I'd bet it's all gone." He squeezed her hand, "Call me…if you get home and things seem to be too much. After all this…"_

_"I'm fine," she said again, and she headed the opposite direction from him just to get away._

_She walked into her apartment building, grabbing her mail from the box and realizing it had been at least three days since she'd picked it up. Then she went upstairs, dropping the mail on the side table and grabbing a glass of wine. She hadn't been home in two days. Halloween was over. Maybe November could be her fresh start. She grabbed the mail and carried it with her wine glass into the bedroom where she changed into comfortable clothes and climbed into bed. She sorted through the mail, bills in one pile, junk in another, pulling out of favorite magazines so she could look through them before she went to sleep. Then she noticed the large manila envelope…and looking at the return address she knew her fresh start couldn't begin yet. The lab results were back…and while she wanted to know what had caused the miscarriage, she was scared to death to learn the truth._

_She took a drink of her wine and took a deep breath, and then pulled the lab report from the envelope. She wasn't sure she'd be able to understand it, but it was pretty clear. No chromosomal abnormalities…fetal demise in utero: cause unknown…she couldn't stop the tears from sliding down her face. Unknown cause…her baby had been perfectly healthy one minute and gone the next…and it was due to an unknown cause? In some ways she'd hoped they'd find something wrong with the baby so she'd know it wasn't something she did, and that the baby was better off not suffering…but her child had been healthy and so now none of this made sense. It never would._

_She glanced down the page at the technical information she didn't fully understand but that would have left her with no reassurance anyway. Then at the bottom…sex: male…her baby had been a boy. Her son…Elliot's son…and she put her hand to her mouth and gasped at the sobs she couldn't hold inside. Her little boy…_

_The rest of it was a blur. She grabbed a shoe box from the closet, and rummaged through her drawers until the found the I Love Mommy onesie she'd bought after her first doctor's visit. She ran her fingers along the soft blue cotton, lifting it to her face and taking in the warm fragrance. Then she folded it and carefully placed it in the box. Next she lifted the ultrasound photo from her nightstand, staring at the picture and then at the tiny porcelain baby shoes that adorned the white frame. She grabbed a marker from the drawer and turned the frame over, writing on the back in her clear, precise handwriting. She put the picture on top of the onesies, her tears dripping down on it, "I miss you…so much…" she cried. "I always will." And she closed the box and sat it on the closet shelf. _

Noah was asleep in no time, and she put him in his crib. "You're not taking him to your room tonight?" Elliot asked.

She shrugged, "I might," she admitted. "But we'll try it out here for a while."

"Are you going to bed soon?" he asked, and she knew he was nervous about trying to go to sleep without drinking. It was possibly the first time he'd gone twenty-four hours without a drink in years.

"In a while," she sighed, "But I want to show you something." He looked at her with curiosity, and she motioned for him to follow her. They walked into her room and he looked around. It was much nicer than her old place…the big bed, the stark white linens, the furniture that seemed to come from a magazine photo shoot. It didn't seem her style, and yet she looked so comfortable and at home in the space that he couldn't question it.

"This is nice," he managed to say, wondering why she'd brought him into her bedroom in the first place.

She nodded, "When Brian and I moved here, we got all new things." She noticed the look he was giving her and cleared her throat, "Brian Cassidy…we were together for a while…and now we're not…"

"I'm sorry," he said, wondering how she'd ever ended up with a screw-up like Cassidy again anyway. "How did you two…" he started, but she stopped him.

"I really don't want to talk about it, okay?" she sighed, "I'll just say he helped me get through a lot, but in the end he couldn't give me the life I wanted." She bit her lip and walked over to a large bureau, opening the bottom drawer and pulling out a shoe box. "Here…" she handed it to him. "It's the only thing I have left of him…"

At first he thought she meant Cassidy and he wasn't sure why she'd give him her only memory of a guy he hated, but he opened the box and his heart seemed to stop beating for a moment. He sighed, and sat down on her bed, vaguely aware of the fact that she had sat down next to him. He picked up the small white picture frame, and stared at the black and white ultrasound photo inside. He ran his fingers along the glass, and realized if he'd been the man he should've been this wouldn't have been his first time seeing it. "Liv…" he tried to talk, but the words wouldn't come.

"I know," she said honestly. "It's not easy. I used to take the box out and look at it a lot, but I haven't in a while and I guess maybe it's because I don't need to anymore. I love him…and he's always in my heart…but I don't need to see this to know that anymore. I thought maybe you did…"

He nodded, "Thanks…for sharing this with me," he looked at the blue onesie and smiled, "He did love you…you know that, right? He had to sense how much you loved him…and he loved you back. I have no doubt."

"I hope you're right," she said sadly. She took the picture from him, turning it over to the back. "I named him…because when I found out he was a boy…everything became so much more real. My son…_our son_…he was gone and I couldn't say good-bye for good without giving him a real name."

He looked at her writing on the back of the frame, _Elijah Nicholas…gone from this world, September 26, 2011…alive in my heart forever._

"Elijah Nicholas?" he asked.

She nodded, "Elijah…because it seemed close to Elliot and even though things were so bad between us, that didn't change the fact that you were his father and I knew you loved him…I _always_ knew that. And Nicholas because…Nick Amaro was the only person who knew about this baby besides us, and apparently Cragen, but I didn't know that at the time. I wanted the baby to have a name that meant something special…and Nick cared about him…and about me…when I really needed someone to care."

"Liv…" he looked at her with tears streaming down his face. "I'm sorry…I really am…"

"I know you are," she cried. "I am too."

"I wish I'd been there…for you and for Elijah," he reached out and pulled her close and while she wanted to pull away, she couldn't. She felt so safe curled up against his chest, the safest she'd felt in a long time…and it scared her half to death.

**More soon...**


	18. Chapter 18

**First, thanks for all of the reviews. They always make me smile and I appreciate knowing your thoughts and opinions about the story. Second, I am so sorry it has been so long since I've posted. Life sometimes gets in the way of my writing. Funny how that happens. ;) Third, this chapter is a little different than the other because the flashback belongs to Elliot instead of Olivia this time. Mainly because I've had lots of questions about how El ended up in the situation he is now, so I wanted to give some insight into him. **

**Thanks for reading!**

Olivia pulled up outside Elliot's apartment. He'd been staying with her for two days, and since Lizzie's funeral was the following day, they had to return to his place so he could find clothes to wear. She glanced at him, noticing the way his eyes seemed to darken as he looked toward the run down building and her voice was gentle, "Do you want me to wait here?" she asked.

The look on his face told her he was frightened of going in alone. He shook his head, "You can come," he tried to sound like he was letting her instead of begging her. "It won't take long."

She pushed open the door and followed him inside. They walked down the dingy hallway until they reached his door, and he took a deep breath, unlocking it and walking inside. He turned on the lights, looking around at the dirty clothes, old food containers, and empty beer bottles and he sighed. It smelled in the room, something he'd never noticed before and after spending a few days with Olivia in her nice apartment he was ashamed to ask her in again. "Uhm…" he started. "Maybe you should go back to the car. I'll be quick…"

"I can start helping you clean up while you look for your suit," she suggested. "You shouldn't be alone anyway."

"Why?" he asked with a snicker. "You afraid I'll drink?"

She looked at him and exhaled sharply. She'd been terrified watching him go through alcohol withdrawal the last few days and he knew it. If it wasn't for Lizzie's funeral she would've taken him to rehab immediately. He hadn't slept in days, and the night before she'd given in and gone to the liquor store to buy a small bottle of vodka to help him ease the severe shaking and screaming terrors he was having. She felt guilty about it, but it was the only thing she could think to do. She was amazed how quickly he calmed down with a little alcohol in his system. "If I leave…I _know_ you will," she admitted. "And I can't let you."

"You let me last night," he reminded her.

She shook her head, "Because if I didn't, you wouldn't have made it through the night. El…do you even realize how bad things were last night?"

"Yeah," he looked down at the floor, ashamed to look her in the eye, "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to scare you like that."

"It's not your fault, and I know that…" she said seriously. "But you're really going to have to commit to rehab, El. I know it won't be easy, but to get Libby back…"

"I know," he nodded. "I'll do it…I swear…"

He walked to the closet and looked through the clothes, pulling out his black suit. "I can't remember the last time I wore this thing," he said sadly, his eyes filling with tears. "I think it was to Maureen's wedding…now it's for Lizzie's funeral…"

"I didn't know Maureen was married," Olivia said gently.

He looked at her and forced a smile, "Yeah…two years now. She's happy…he's a good guy…thank God the saying about girls marrying men like their fathers isn't true after all."

"Hey…" she put her hand on his shoulder, "You're a good guy too, El."

"How can you say that?" he asked. "After all the lives I've destroyed…after I ruined _your_ life, Liv? You wanna stand there and say I'm a good guy. You're either lying or you've lost your mind."

"Making mistakes doesn't make you a bad person…" she insisted. "Not owning up to them does. And El…one thing I've learned the past few days is that you know you were wrong…and you want to make things right. That makes you a good guy."

"I can't make everything right," he said knowingly. "I can't bring Lizzie back…I can't bring our baby back…"

"You didn't cause Lizzie's murder," she insisted. "And you didn't cause the miscarriage either."

"I'm not sure I'll ever believe that," he said, laying the suit across the back of the sofa and kneeling down to find his dress shoes. He reached in the back of the closet, pulling out a bottle of whiskey and handing it to her, "Guess you were right to keep an eye on me. I forgot that was even here."

"Why were you hiding liquor in your own apartment?" she asked, grabbing the bottle from him.

He shook his head, "I think I tossed it there once when Kathy dropped Eli off…God, probably a year ago at this point. Obviously I don't take my cleaning very seriously."

Olivia laughed a little, "Let's get this place cleaned up now," she suggested. "So when you come home from rehab, you won't have anything tempting you."

"All right," he agreed, but in his heart he knew…he'd never be able to stay in that apartment without being tempted. That place had been the beginning of his downward spiral.

_"Get out!" Kathy's voice still echoed in his mind. She had every right to kick him out, but he didn't know what to do or where to go. _

_"We need to talk about some things," he'd said when she came home from work. He knew he was about to break her heart. "Kath…this isn't working for us anymore. We're not in love…" But her heart hadn't been broken, if anything she'd looked relieved._

_"It's about time you realized that," was all she said and she walked into the kitchen to make dinner._

_He walked in as she was putting pasta in a pot of boiling water. "Do you want to talk about this?" he asked. "About what we're going to do?"_

_She shrugged, "Elliot…you've been living inside your head for years now," she sputtered. "And now you want to talk? You think I don't know the only reason you're here is because of Eli? We were practically divorced…and then boom…a baby and we're back together. Nothing's changed between us…except for the baby…we should've just stayed apart."_

_"I love my son," he argued. _

_"I know you do," she insisted. "But Elliot…I don't think I love you…and I know you don't love me. Pretending for Eli's sake isn't healthy. Let's just take some time, find a new place for you to live…move on. It's the right thing to do. We both know it."_

_"I need to tell you something…" he said, thinking back to the conversation he'd had with Olivia on the phone earlier. She wanted to keep the baby…his baby. He'd hurt her when he suggested they shouldn't…and now he was going to hurt Kathy too. "I cheated on you…" he saw her face pale and she sat at the table and wiped her hands on a dishtowel. She nodded, almost as if she already knew and looked at him, waiting for his explanation. "I'm sorry…" he said honestly, "I didn't mean for it to happen…I don't know why it did…"_

_She nodded, "Where's Eli?" she stood up and walked toward the living room. "He needs to wash up for dinner."_

_"I sent him to get pizza with Lizzie," he grabbed her shoulder and turned her around to look at him. "Are you listening to me?"_

_She squinted her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair, "You cheated on me. I heard you. So what do you want me to do…cry? Beg you to stay? Elliot…we've been over for a long time. I know that…I knew it before you did…I just thought you were more honorable than that, so yeah…it hurts…but I'm not going to cry over it. What's done is done."_

_"She came over here…and she was drunk…" he tried to explain._

_"What the hell are you saying?" Kathy asked him. "This wasn't just some one night stand you picked up at a bar or something?" And she took and deep breath and let it out slowly. "Olivia?" she asked and knew the answer by the way his face lowered in shame. "Damn her…I knew it. How long has this been going on?"_

_"It was just once," he insisted. "But Dickie came in…"_

_She gasped, "What? Our son walked in on you and your little whore?" she stormed back to the kitchen and he ran after her. She turned to look at him, her face red with anger, "How dare you put him through that! That's why he left…isn't it? That's why he enlisted instead of going to college."_

_"I asked him not to tell you," he admitted. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry…but I didn't want to hurt you. I haven't seen Olivia since it happened…I swear. I promised Dickie…"_

_"Then why are you telling me now?" she asked._

_He looked at the ground, leaning his hands on the kitchen chair and avoiding the look he knew she'd have on her face when he told her. "Olivia…she's uhm…"_

_"Spit it out," Kathy yelled. "She's what…begging you to come back to her? Falling apart without you in her life? Poor thing!"_

_"She's pregnant…"he said, in a near whisper._

_"She's pregnant? You asshole! That's why you quit…isn't it?" Kathy asked. "You knocked up your partner and so you had to quit your job…"_

_"No…" he argued. "I quit because I couldn't do that job anymore, Kath…I swear. This happened…after…"_

_"So what…you're gonna take your pension and go live with her and have this new family?" Kathy asked. "God Elliot…if you think I'm letting you off that easy you really are stupid. You have to support this family...you're not leaving us with nothing, so you can go play house with your girlfriend."_

_"No…I'm not…" he promised. "I asked her to consider giving the baby up, but she didn't take it well. She said she wished there was no baby…and that isn't like her at all. She's always wanted children. I feel like I've destroyed her…and so I owe her a chance…"_

_"How romantic," Kathy snickered. "You owe her…God Elliot…she's a fool if she still wants you. You know that, right?"_

_"I have to do the right thing," he said sadly. "I don't even know what that is right now, but I know you and I are never going to get past this…and Olivia, she shouldn't have to go through this whole pregnancy on her own…"_

_"Please…" Kathy sighed. "She's better off without you…and I'm sure she knows that by now." She turned off the pasta, realizing it had boiled dry and dumping the clumped mess into the trash. "We can tell the kids tomorrow…and you can find your own place or move in with Olivia…whatever the hell it is you have in mind. But you owe me and the kids, Elliot…you're gonna pay Lizzie's tuition and child support for Eli…"_

_"I would never abandon my family Kathy," he sighed. "You know that."_

_"Really?" she asked. "Because it seems to me you already have."_

_He was playing cars with Eli when she came home from work the next day. They were supposed to sit down with the kids, tell them he was moving out, but when she walked in she threw her purse on the chair and motioned for him to follow her upstairs. "We'll be right back, Eli," he said, running his fingers through the boy's soft blond curls. They stood in the bedroom and looked at one another, "I've been thinking about how to tell them," he began. "I don't think we should mention Olivia…we'll just say things aren't working and we need to be apart…"_

_"I saw her," Kathy said, sitting on the bed and staring at him. "Today…at the clinic…"_

_"She was at the clinic?" he asked, wondering why she would have been there. She had her own doctor and wouldn't get prenatal care at a women's clinic. "Did you talk to her?" he asked. "Kathy…please tell me you didn't confront her…she has enough problems…"_

_Kathy shook her head, "I talked to her…I was gonna tell her I knew...but she was crying and I…I just felt bad for her…"_

_"Why was she crying?" he asked, wanting to call Olivia and check on her. "Is she okay?"_

_"I don't think so," Kathy said honestly. "She was on the second floor, Elliot…where they perform the abortions."_

_He looked at her in disbelief, "No," he shook his head. "She'd never do that."_

_"Why else would she be at the women's clinic?" Kathy asked. "You said she told you she wished there was no baby. You haven't exactly been there for her. She knows she's destroyed your marriage…your family…"_

_"She would not abort that baby," he argued, his eyes stinging with tears. "You're wrong…there has to be some other explanation."_

_"You can't admit it, can you?" Kathy sputtered. "You made her do it…and now you want to deny it…you're pathetic! You've ruined our family…and you've ruined Olivia's life too. Get out! Just leave…do whatever it is you think you need to do to make yourself happy…but leave. Get out!"_

_He'd spent the night in a hotel, looking for a cheap place to live the next day. The apartment was a dump, but the price was right and he didn't plan to live there long anyway. The more he thought about Kathy's insistence that Olivia had terminated the pregnancy, the less he believed it. She wouldn't do something like that. He had to call her…tell her he was sorry…he loved her and he wanted to be there for her and the baby. He could hardly believe what a jerk he'd been through this whole thing…how scared he'd been. But he was ready now…ready to be a family. He wanted that more than anything and he prayed he could convince Olivia._

_They'd given him the keys to the semi-furnished apartment right away and he flopped back on the ugly green sofa. Olivia was mad at him, he knew that…but he hoped when she found out he'd left Kathy that she'd come around. Maybe they could find a place together…a nice place with an extra room for the baby. He smiled to himself, thinking about their child…with Olivia for a mother, this kid was going to be beautiful…no doubt about that. And he would be a good father. He'd started off badly, but he'd make it up to Liv and the baby. He promised himself that._

_He dialed her number, waiting for her to answer. "Hello…" she was already crying and it broke his heart. He hated himself for making her cry. She deserved so much better than him._

_"Liv…" he had a hard time finding the right words and his voice quivered, "I'm sorry…"_

_"Don't say that…" she cried. "Just don't…it's over…we're over…" Her words stabbed him like a knife. "It's over…" What did she mean by that?_

_"Kathy saw you yesterday," his voice trailed off, hoping she'd deny it or at least explain why she was at the clinic, but she didn't._

_"I know," he heard the defeat in her voice and his heart ached. She muttered something else about not saying anything to Kathy, but all he could think about was the possibility that Kathy had been right._

_"She said you were on the abortion floor…that you were crying…" he prayed she'd clear up the misunderstanding…that she'd deny it and tell him he was stupid for thinking something like that about her, but she didn't. She didn't say anything. "When you said you wished there was no baby…I didn't think you meant it…" his tears slid down his face. He'd made her think he didn't want the baby, and she'd resorted to the only thing she could think of._

_Her sobbing was heavy on the line, "I don't want to talk to you…"_

_"Liv…why would you do that?" he asked. He knew he sounded angry, but really he was shocked and hurt and most of all guilty. "If you didn't want the baby…"_

_Before he could finished she yelled, "YOU didn't want the baby! YOU said I should get rid of it…" and he knew she was right. He just couldn't believe she'd done it. Their baby was gone, and it was all his fault._

_"I asked you to think about giving it up," he cried, "Not kill it."_

_"Just leave me alone…" her voice was weak. "Please…just be with your wife…with your family…and leave me the hell alone…"_

_"I don't even know you anymore," he felt sick. He loved her. He loved their baby. And now he'd lost them both._

_"You're right. I don't think you ever did," she cried and he heard the click on the line. She was right. He never knew her. He never would have thought she'd do something like this…that she'd let him do this to her. She was stronger than that…and he'd broken her. He wanted to die._

_He looked around his pathetic little apartment and he couldn't get the picture of their child out of his mind. Their beautiful little baby…their fresh start…and he felt lost. "Why…" he cried. He grabbed his keys and drove around for hours. When he came home, he flopped back on the couch, a brown paper bag in his hands. He opened it, pulling out the dark whiskey bottle, taking a long drink and finding comfort in the way it stung his throat and eased the pain in his heart with a warmth that overtook his whole body. It was his first night in his own place…and he drank himself to sleep…for the first time of many…_

"I don't want you doing this," he admitted, watching Olivia go through the cupboard pulling out bottles of vodka, whiskey, and schnapps…pretty much any kind of alcohol he'd been able get his hands on, and throwing them into a large trash bag. Then she opened the refrigerator, grabbing half a case of beer and a bottle of cheap wine. "Liv…just stop. I mean it…I can't…"

"Elliot, we have to clean this place out," she reminded him. "Otherwise, you can't come back here after rehab."

"I don't want to come back here," he said sadly. "You said yourself…the social worker won't let me keep Libby here…I don't want Eli back here either…I never should've brought him to this hellhole in the first place." He looked at her and sighed, "Being at your place these past few days…seeing you with Noah…how great your life is now…God, I can't expect my kids to live like this."

"El…" she put her hand on his arm, rubbing gently, "You don't have to live here forever…but when you get out of rehab, you're gonna need time to get back on your feet. You won't be getting Libby right away…or even visitation with Eli until you prove you're a fit parent. You'll have time to find a new place then. This'll just be temporary."

He shook his head, "That's what I thought when I moved here. God…was I ever wrong…"

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea," she admitted. "We should go. I can come back here and clean it up myself…while you're in treatment. Then it'll be all cleaned up and ready when you get back."

"You don't have to clean up my messes, Liv," he sighed.

She smiled weakly, "I know I don't," she said gently, dropping the trash bag on the floor. "Let's go…it's gonna be a rough day tomorrow. You should get some rest."

"I'm sorry…" he began, and she squeezed his hand.

"Stop saying that, okay?" she said. "I know you're sorry about the past."

"No," he shook his head. "I mean…I'm sorry you have to see me like this _now_…that you feel like you have to help me…when I was never there to help you. I don't deserve you…I didn't back then and I sure as hell don't now."

"Let's go…" she picked up his suit and shoes from the sofa and followed him out the door.

**More soon...**


	19. Chapter 19

**So, I am up at 4AM, not sure why, but I figured I could use this time to write and update. Thanks again for the reviews. They mean a lot and motivate me to finish this sooner rather than later. I appreciate everyone who had taken time to share their thoughts with me. You are all amazing to stick with this even though I am so bad about updating in a timely manner with this story. Thanks so much!**

They were sitting outside the church…the church where Elliot had gone every Sunday with his young family when he wasn't busy working…the church that he'd quit going to years before the divorce simply because he couldn't find the peace that he'd longed for there…the church he was ashamed to walk into now, but he had no choice. This was the place where he would say good-bye to his little girl…and he wasn't sure he had the strength to go inside.

"You can do this," Olivia looked at him and nodded, trying to reassure him. "For _Lizzie_…you can do this for Lizzie."

He shook his head, "I'm not sure I should," he said. "Kathy, the kids…they don't need me there reminding them how much I've screwed things up. They don't need to see me when they're already hurting so much."

"Have you talked to them?" she asked, knowing he hadn't. He shook his head no and she nodded, "Then you don't know what they're thinking. Tragedies change people's hearts, El. Trust me…I know. Maybe the kids need to see you now. And even if they don't know that or they act like they don't want to talk to you…it will show them that you care…that you're trying. They need to see that in you."

"I can't say good-bye to her," he let his tears pool in his eyes. "I love my daughter…and I don't want to let her go."

"I know," Olivia brushed away a tear that was sliding down her own cheek. "But El…you have four other kids in there who need to know their father is doing the right thing now…that you're strong enough to get them through this…that you're gonna get the help you need to be a good dad again."

"I don't want to go alone," he admitted and looked pleadingly at her. She had agreed to drive him, but she didn't want to go in the church. Too much had happened and she knew his family wouldn't want to see her. She didn't want to make the day worse for them than it already was. "Liv…please…"

"I don't want to make things worse," she explained, but the look on his face was breaking her heart. "El…"

"Liv…when you lost Elijah…I made you go through that alone. I will never forgive myself for that and I don't expect you to either. But right now, you're the only person I can depend on who understands how it feels to lose your child…and to be all alone to deal with it." He cried. "Kathy has the kids to help her through…the kids have each other…I don't have anyone." She was crying, listening to his heart-felt words and no matter how hard she tried she couldn't stop. So she opened the door, and he got out of the car and faced her. She grabbed his hand, entwining her long, smooth fingers with is rough calloused ones. "Thank you," he whispered, and she nodded gently.

_He knew he was drinking too much. Kathy would pitch a fit if she knew he was sitting there on the sofa downing a bottle of vodka while Eli slept on the floor next to him. She'd been angry enough about letting Eli come to visit him in that neighborhood, but his son loved him and missed him and Elliot knew she didn't have a legitimate reason to keep them apart. So she gave in and that was the end of it._

_They'd spent most of the day playing with the new race track Elliot had bought him that morning at Toys R Us…an "I'm so sorry I tore your little world apart by cheating on your mommy" gift. It had taken an hour to get all the little pieces where they belonged and batteries in the remote, but after all that was done Eli'd had a blast. _

_"Look Daddy," he squealed in his tiny four-year old voice as he made the car zoom around the track, and when his red car came in ahead of Elliot's blue one, which it did every time, he'd giggle and yell "I beated you, Daddy." Elliot smiled at the memory, looking at his young son sleeping peacefully, and took another long sip of the vodka before putting the lid back on and sitting it beside him._

_Cragen had called just as the track was finished and they were beginning the first race. "Play by yourself a while, buddy," Elliot handed Eli the remote and walked out into the hall to take the call. He wondered why his old boss, a man he'd once considered a friend would be calling him now. He hadn't spoken to him since he turned in his papers. "Hello," he answered and he could hear Cragen's deep breathing on the other end of the line._

_"Elliot…" the captain's voice was solemn, almost weak Elliot thought and his first instinct was Olivia…something had happened to her…she'd been shot or killed…something, and suddenly every moment of their life together as partners ran through his mind and he couldn't imagine how he'd go on in a world without her in it. _

_"Captain…" his voice quivered. "What's wrong?"_

_"It's Liv," he said softly. "She's in the hospital…"_

_"But she's okay?" Elliot asked eagerly._

_"Elliot…you know, whatever happened between the two of you, it's none of my business," his tone was serious. "But she was carrying your baby and you left her. You need to get up there…there have been complications…"_

_"Complications?" he asked with a sigh. This wasn't about something happening to her on the job, it was about her killing the baby…their child…the one she claimed to want so badly and then got rid of without a second thought when things became too much…when he became too much…when he told her he didn't want it. "I can't go up there," was all he could manage to say. He hoped Olivia was okay, that she'd be all right eventually, but he knew he was the last person she'd want to see._

_"She needs you," Cragen sputtered. "How dare you say you won't go…after all you've done…"_

_"I don't care," Elliot heard himself say. "She deserves whatever happens…after what she's done and I'm sure as hell not giving up my only day with my son to go be with her."_

_"You son of a bitch!" he heard his former captain's voice change in a way he never had. He was angry…violently angry and in his heart Elliot didn't blame him. It was his fault Olivia'd had the abortion in the first place, and now he was too much of a coward to go help her when she was suffering from the after-effects. "You're gonna make her go through this alone? That was your child…"_

_"And now there is no child, so I owe Liv nothing," Elliot felt himself tear up and he opened the door to the apartment and watched Eli playing with his racetrack, trying to take his mind off the phone call._

_"If you don't get your ass to that hospital," Cragen sputtered. "Don't you EVER set foot near Olivia again. Do you understand me? I will fucking kill you the next time you get near her…and don't you dare think I don't mean that." The phone clicked and he let out the deep breath he barely knew he was holding. There was no doubt in his mind that Cragen meant every single word…and he didn't blame him._

_It was a couple of hours later when his phone rang again, and he glanced at it to see Olivia's number staring back at him. If she was calling, at least she was alive. He'd fought the urge to call the hospital and check on her…to find out exactly what the complications were…but he knew they wouldn't tell him anything anyway. If she was calling, she was okay. She probably wanted to tell him how much pain he'd caused her…or that he'd ruined her life. He turned off his phone, knowing he should talk to her but not finding the strength to do it, and went back to playing with his son._

_Thinking about it made his heart break. He'd left her all alone. She was suffering…and she was alone. He covered Eli with his blanket and picked up his phone, dialing the hospital. When the operator answered, he asked for Olivia's room, but they told him there was no patient there by that name, so he hung up. She was obviously fine if they'd sent her home. He picked up the vodka bottle, with every intention of putting it away, but instead he removed the lid and took one more long drink…and then another…_

They walked, hand in hand, up the stairway to the church. The organ was playing in the background, a slow, sad melody and Elliot's hands were shaking. "You can do this," she reminded him as they opened the heavy doors and walked inside. There were already people there…so many people filling the pews from the back of the room to the front, and at the end of the long aisle was a casket, ivory and gold…delicate looking for the harsh reality it represented. "Kathy and the kids are in the front," she whispered, seeing the back of their heads and dreading seeing their faces marked with grief.

"Liv…I don't think I can…" he voice shook with sobs and he leaned against her while she used all her strength to hold him up.

Then it happened, the little boy in the front row with the blonde curls turned around, his face confused and hurt…his eyes widening with realization, "_Daddy_!" he yelled and quickly ran away from the pew while the rest of the family turned in surprise. Eli ran down the aisle and grabbed Elliot around the waist, "Daddy…" his voice was anxious and tearful, and then he started to cry, "Daddy…Lizzie died…" and the boy sobbed and clutched his father.

Olivia felt him release his grasp from her hand, and Elliot knelt down and picked up his son, holding him tight while tears streamed down both their faces, "I know, buddy…I know," he stroked the boy's hair and kissed his cheek.

"She can't come back," Eli cried. "Mommy said she's never coming back…why is she dead? It's not fair! I love her."

"I love her too," Elliot held his son close and let him cry. "We'll always love her…"

Kathy made her way down the aisle, putting her hand on Eli's back and looking Elliot in the eye, "He's had a rough few days," she said, her voice mournful and weak. "We all have…" and she let her own tears flow along with Elliot's and Eli's, leaning into them while Elliot put the arm that wasn't holding his son around his ex-wife. "Elliot…" she whispered, her voice muffled with sorrow, "I can't do this…"

"I know," he cried. "We can do it together…" And she pulled her head away from his chest, grabbing his hand while they walked toward the front of the church. Olivia stood alone, not moving from the entrance, and watched as Elliot glanced back at her, and she nodded, letting him know it was okay to leave her there. Then she slid into one of the pews in the back of the church, as Elliot slid in next to his family, sitting Eli gently on Kathy's lap while Maureen and Kathleen grabbed him around the neck and each held him in a long embrace. She noticed Dickie look back at her, and she wanted to dart her eyes away from him, but he deserved better than that, so she stared ahead, with a look that tried to signal how sorry she was for everything. He gave her a mournful nod, and then turned to his father and the two hugged with tears flowing.

The organ played a new song, and while Olivia listened to the sound she couldn't take her eyes off of the family at the front of the church…the family saying good-bye to the daughter and sister they loved…_Elliot's _family. Kathy leaned her head and his shoulder, and he put his arm gently around her, whispered something in her hear and she nodded sadly. Then he kissed her cheek and she buried her head on his shoulder and cried. Elliot was where he needed to be…with his family…not with her…he loved his family…they loved him…and she was grateful, because she finally felt like she might one day be able to forgive herself for what she'd done. Maybe.

**More to come...**


	20. Chapter 20

**I can't believe this story is already 20 chapters, which was my original goal for length, but obviously it will end up being a little longer. I swear it won't be 100 chapters like my last one. I just haven't completely finished this story yet. It is getting there though. Anyway, thanks for all of the awesome reviews. I appreciate it, as always. Hearing your thoughts sometimes makes me question the direction I am taking the story, but then again life would be boring if we all wanted the exact same thing. I hope everyone continues to enjoy this journey, even if it doesn't go exactly as you'd hoped. Thanks again for all the support. **

"What should we do tonight? Huh?" Olivia picked up her son and smiled, kissing him gently and sitting down on the sofa with him. "Just you and me…" she thought about how long it had been since she'd had an evening alone with her son. It had only been a few days since Elliot had come to stay with her while awaiting his treatment, but she realized now that it felt much longer. She had missed the moments alone with Noah at night. "Are you hungry?" she asked and he giggled, wrinkling his tiny nose and she laughed. "Okay…let's get you some dinner…"

Two hours later, Noah was fed and bathed and he'd pretty much worn himself out from playing when Olivia put him carefully in the crib. She stroked his soft brown hair and whispered, "Goodnight sweet boy…I love you," and his eyes fluttered a few times before giving into sleep. She sat down on the sofa, wondering what to do with her evening now that she was all alone again. She decided she was due for a nice, long bath…and after double checking her locks and looking at Noah once more to be sure he was sleeping soundly, she walked into the bathroom and ran a steaming hot bubble bath, slowly lowering herself into it and trying to wash away the events of the day.

_The funeral had been hard. Listening to the music that seemed to make her soul ache, listening while Lizzie's friends told stories about her, listening while Dickie spoke about his twin sister and how his other half was gone…by the time the priest started to speak she'd found herself unable to listen to anything more and tuned everything out, alone in her grief and staring at the Stabler family, so many pews ahead of her in the church, clinging to one another in support of their mourning. She couldn't imagine their pain, and she thought about Noah and how much she loved him…how it would kill her to lose him, and she found herself panicking with urgency to get home to him._

_When the funeral was over, she planned to sneak out and head home, but Elliot had found her before she made it out the doors. He reached out and grabbed her shoulder, "Liv…" his voice quivered, "Are you coming to the burial?"_

_She shook her head, "No…I don't think it's a good idea." And then she saw Kathy walking toward them and all she wanted to escape. "I need to go…but I'll still take you tomorrow…to rehab…unless you have another ride."_

_He looked confused, but then Kathy approached them, her face serious, "Thanks for coming, Olivia," her voice was raspy with tears. "I know it meant a lot to Elliot…and he might not have come without you. Having him here was good for the kids."_

_Olivia nodded, "Well, I'm gonna go. I'm so sorry…" she said tearfully, and she knew from Kathy's expression that the woman realized she was sorry for a lot more than the loss of her daughter._

_"Thanks," Kathy whispered. "We're having a little family thing after the burial…my parents put it together. You're welcome to come…"_

_"I don't think so," Olivia forced a sad smile. "I need to get home…but thank you."_

_Kathy nodded knowingly and Elliot looked at her, "Can you give us a minute?" he asked and she squeezed his hand and walked away to talk to one of Lizzie's friends. He looked at Olivia, his eyes dark and full of pain, "I'm still going to rehab tomorrow," he promised. "I have to…I know that." He glanced at his kids, all of their faces stained with tears while they hugged grandparents and aunts and uncles, and he sighed, "They deserve better than this…better than the man I've become…"_

_"They do," she agreed. "And I'm proud of you for recognizing that…for wanting to be better, to get better…for them."_

_"Can I still stay with you tonight?" he asked, unsure if it was an appropriate question after the events of the day._

_She nodded, "Of course…but I thought you might stay with the kids…"_

_He shook his head, "I'm not going to get through the night without drinking…not after all this…" He put his hand out and she watched it tremor, "I'm already shaking…" His voice quivered, "I don't want them to see that…and I don't want them to see me drink either…I want them to know I'm trying to get better."_

_"Okay," she nodded, taking his hand and holding it still. "Do you want me to pick you up later?"_

_"I'll get a ride from someone," he insisted. "And if I decide not to come, I'll call you."_

_She'd been home less than an hour when he texted her. "I think I'm going to stay here," it read and she sighed. She hoped he was okay…that he was with Kathy and the kids, but in her heart she didn't believe he was. He was out somewhere, drowning his sorrows in cheap liquor and giving up on the dreams he had to get better. She just knew it._

She hadn't realized she'd dozed off until she heard the buzzing of her intercom system. She opened her eyes, noticing her hot bath had turned lukewarm and pulled herself from the tub, quickly grabbing her robe and rushing to the living room. She heard the buzzer again and pushed the button, "Who is it?" she asked, running her fingers through her dripping wet hair and wishing she'd grabbed a towel.

"Sergeant Benson…" a voice called out. "This is Officer Spinelli…"

She recognized the name as one of the uniformed officers who worked at the station, but even though she probably passed him every day she couldn't place his face, "Of course…what do you need?" she asked.

"I have a friend of yours here, name's Stabler" he said, and his voice told her he was nervous. "He says he's been staying with you, but I wanted to check for sure. I picked him at Shakey's bar, the bartender called…said the guy wouldn't leave and he wouldn't serve him anymore because he was too drunk…"

"Bring him up," Olivia closed her eyes and sighed. She unlocked the door and waited for them to reach her floor.

"Liv…I'm not _that_ drunk," Elliot insisted as he stumbled into the apartment. "I swear…that bartender was just being an asshole…"

"Just get in here," she groaned, pulling him in and watching as he fell back on the sofa. She turned to the officer, giving an embarrassed smile, "Thanks, for bringing him here…"

"You gonna be okay with him Sergeant?" the officer asked anxiously. "He was kind of angry at the bar…I thought I might have to take him in."

"I'll be fine," she promised and felt like she needed to explain. "He's my former partner…" she saw the officer's eyes widen questioningly. "He buried his daughter today…" she found herself making excuses for him when she knew she shouldn't.

"Oh," he seemed to understand. "I'm so sorry." He started to leave, but turned back to her, "Call if you need help," he insisted. "I'm in the neighborhood tonight."

"Thanks," she whispered and nodded.

An hour and one pot of coffee later, Elliot seemed more coherent even though he was obviously not completely sober. He sat his cup on the table and looked at her, his eyes red and his face pasty, "I'm really not sure why this happened," he admitted. "God, Liv…I'm sorry…"

She sighed, shaking her head, "Stop telling me how sorry you are…when you keep making the same choices over and over again. I thought you were staying with Kathy and the kids?" she asked.

"I was going to," he admitted. "But I was getting too worked up from not drinking…the sweating and the tremors…I was embarrassed for my kids to see me that way, so I had one drink…just to calm down. I knew if I didn't, I'd end up humiliating them."

"But you can't stop with one," she said knowingly.

"No…I did," he insisted. "And I spent the rest of the night really talking to my kids for the first time in a long time. Maureen and her husband are buying a new house because they are thinking about starting a family, Kathleen has a new job she loves, Dickie's thinking of leaving the Army in a year or two to go back to college, and Eli has a little girl in his class he has a major crush on." He sighed. "Sitting there talking to them, I realized I've missed so much…and it was my fault. I chose to miss out on everything."

"El…" she took a deep breath, "Then why did you leave and go to that bar? A bar in Manhattan at that? You weren't planning on going back there, were you?"

He shook his head, "We started talking about Libby," he said. "And Kathy told the kids she wasn't going to take her, and they were really upset because they didn't want their niece going to total strangers…but none of them are able to take her either. Kathy got all upset because she said they didn't understand that she'd raised her family already, and Eli was already a hard kid, and she couldn't devote the next eighteen years to another child. There was a lot of yelling, and arguing…I told the kids I was going to rehab and when I got out I was going to try to get custody of Libby…"

"How did they handle that news?" Olivia asked worried. She knew the kids didn't have confidence in Elliot anymore. He had a long road ahead when it came to earning their trust.

He shrugged, "They were all glad about the rehab. They said it was a step in the right direction…and Maureen said maybe by the time I was out she'd be able to take a little time off work and come help with the baby."

"Well that's good, right?" Olivia gave a weak smile.

He shook his head, "Dickie asked what was going to happen if Libby was released before I got out of rehab…and I told him she is in state custody…in foster care…and Kathy started crying and told them I'd given custody of Libby to _you_…"

"Oh no…" Olivia stood up, pacing across the room. "El…I'm sorry…I was trying to help. I didn't even think about how it would affect the other kids…"

He shook his head, "No Liv…I want her with you. I know you'll take good care of her until I can. But Kathy started saying how she couldn't believe I'd trust Libby with you after you'd aborted my child…and the kids never knew you were pregnant. They knew about the affair, but not the pregnancy. Dickie started screaming and the girls were crying…and I told all of them that there was no abortion…it was a miscarriage…"

"Oh God, Elliot…" she wrung her hands together anxiously, "That isn't going to matter to them. They hate me for breaking up your marriage and now they don't want me to have their niece…I can't blame them."

"That's not it," he argued. "Dickie asked why we thought it was an abortion, and so I told him about how Kathy saw you…and he told her she should've minded her own business instead of starting a rumor like that. Then he asked her why the hell she was throwing a fit over you taking Libby when she wasn't willing to take her herself…" Olivia's eyes widened. "Kathy got mad, said I was turning the kids against her…then she told them that I've been staying with you…that you're the only reason I'm willing to get help with the drinking…" his eyes pooled with tears, "She told them I don't love them…and the only reason I want Libby is to give you back the baby we lost three years ago…"

"El…" she shook her head, "Tell me they didn't believe that. Please…they have to know that isn't true."

He sniffled, "I told them it wasn't true…but they don't know who to believe. I've let them down more times than they can count and Kathy's always been there for them. I just left…I told them I'd call from rehab, when they let me…but when we said good-bye…it felt permanent."

"It wasn't," she tried to assure him. "Once you're better…you can work on fixing your relationships with the kids. They'll see the truth."

"I was coming back here…but I saw that bar…and I just walked in," he told her. "I don't know why I can't stop myself…Liv, I'm sorry…you've done so much to help me and I keep letting you down."

"Because you're an alcoholic," she said seriously. "That's what alcoholism does to you…and to the people around you…" She cleared her throat, trying to mask her tears, "But you are going to get better…you know you have a problem and you want to get help…that's the first step. I know you can beat this…"

"I swear I'm gonna try," he promised.

"Try to get some sleep," she said, as he leaned back on the sofa. "Things will look better in the morning."

"I hope so," he nodded. "I'm scared…of rehab…" he admitted.

"I know," she said honestly. "But the Elliot Stabler I know never let being scared keep him from doing what needed to be done."

He sighed, "I'm not that guy anymore, Liv."

"Yes you are," she smiled. Then she picked up Noah and carried him toward her room, not wanting him to disturb Elliot's sleep and to be honest with herself, she didn't want her son in the same room with him while he was obviously still intoxicated. "Goodnight, El," she whispered.

"Goodnight," he closed his eyes and rolled over on the sofa, willing himself to sleep, but knowing he was facing another night awake and alone with his thoughts. Why did he keep hurting the people he loved...hurting Olivia...his kids...Kathy? Why did he keep letting them down? When would life ever get easier? Right now, he was pretty sure it never would.

**More soon...**


	21. Chapter 21

**Thanks for the awesome reviews! I love the thoughts and opinions on the story. I appreciate all the kind words and motivation to continue!**

She'd decided to take the entire day off of work, and even though she knew it would be hard to explain her reasoning if the boss wanted to make a big stink over it, at this moment in time Olivia was too exhausted to care. She hadn't slept the night before, the morning had been emotionally draining, and now here she was, called up to the hospital because Libby's doctor wanted to talk to her. She prayed it was good news rather than bad, but the way things were going she didn't dare to hope.

She walked through the heavy glass doors and walked down the hall to toward the NICU. Painters were standing on ladders touching up the blue trim at the top of the wall and her usual path was blocked off, so she had to reroute down another longer hallway. It took her past the maternity ward, the solid wooden doors locked to protect the mothers and babies, and for a brief second she let herself think about her own time there…the one day she'd been allowed on that floor as a patient instead of just visiting someone else who had been blessed with a child to love…the day she'd lost her son. She should have begged them not to put her on the maternity ward with women who were giving birth to beautiful, healthy children…to keep her away from the cuddly little babies…but the doctor had said it was the safest place for her to go through the miscarriage…that the nurses there would be best trained in helping her through it…that she'd have her own room and wouldn't have to see any other patients during her stay, and Olivia hadn't had the strength to argue. The doctor had probably been right, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt being wheeled out to her waiting cab right behind a woman who was surrounded by the proud father and doting grandparents of the tiny pink bundle in her arms. With all the pain she'd been in, that moment hurt the worst.

"God, Olivia…" she mumbled to herself. "Stop this…" Having Elliot around the past few days had brought back a flood of memories she hadn't wanted to deal with now. She was happy….she had a great job and an adorable little boy…she had a life that deserved her full focus…the past was the past and she had to move on.

She finally made her way to the NICU and smiled when the nurse greeted her, "Go on in," she said. "The doctor is in with her."

Olivia pushed open the door and the doctor turned to look at her, a smile on his face. "I'm so glad you could come right away," he glanced toward the incubator where the baby slept, "She's doing do much better. No more tubes…and she's breathing on her own…"

"What?" Olivia asked, rushing to the baby's side. "How did that happen so fast?"

"Preemies are hard to predict," he told her. "She has good color and she's gaining weight. We wanted to try a bottle feeding, and that's why I called. I thought you'd want to do it."

"Really?" Olivia smiled. "I'd love to…" She was relieved when the social worker had called saying the judge agreed to give her temporary custody of Libby while Elliot went to treatment, but she hadn't expected the baby to take a turn for the better so quickly. She was beginning to wonder where she'd put her when she brought her home, but she knew she was getting ahead of herself.

"Sit down," the doctor said and Olivia sat in the chair next to the baby. Then the doctor lifted the top off the incubator and gently picked up the tiny girl, placing her in Olivia's arms. "I'll go get one of the nurses to bring her bottle," he smiled.

Olivia looked down at the baby and tears slid down her cheeks. "Hi Libby…" she whispered, and the baby stared at her with her bright blue eyes…her mother's eyes…Elliot's eyes, and for a brief moment she wondered if her little boy would have had those eyes, but she pushed the thought from her mind. "Sweet baby…I'm sorry you've had so much loss already…you don't deserve that…"

The nurse walked in with a small bottle and handed it to Olivia, "See if she'll take it," she said, leaning over them and Olivia put the bottle in the baby's mouth. The little girl seemed to understand what to do right away and Olivia and the nurse both laughed, "She has quite the appetite," the nurse teased. "We want to try to get her to take at least half of it. I'll leave you two alone, but call me if you need help."

When the nurse was gone, Olivia smiled at the baby, "You're gonna be big and strong by the time your grandpa gets home, aren't you?" she said. She sighed, "He loves you Libby…you're the only thing that's keeping him going right now. I'm so glad you're here…"

_Noah was sleeping next to her, but she couldn't fall asleep. She kept thinking about Elliot, about his visit with the kids…and Kathy. They had to hate her and she didn't blame them, but she wished she could fix things. She wanted them to know Elliot wasn't going to rehab for her…he was doing it for them…for his family…and so he could take care of Lizzie's daughter. It had nothing to do with her…at least Olivia hoped it didn't. She lay back, patting Noah's back gently and staring at the beautiful gift she'd been given, taking in his scent of baby powder and lavender lotion. She loved this little boy more than she'd ever thought she could love another person and she hoped he'd always know that._

_There was a soft tap at the door, so light that she barely noticed it until it happened again and she sat up. "Come in," she said, unsure why he was knocking on her door in the middle of the night, and she pulled the blankets tightly around her even though the cotton nightshirt and shorts she was wearing fully covered her. He stood there in front of her, not saying a word and she squinted to see him better having taken out her contacts and reaching for her glasses on the nightstand, "El…what do you need?" She asked, putting on her glasses and looking at him, vulnerable and weak in the doorway. "Are you okay?"_

_He walked in and nodded, "I just…I can't sleep…and I shouldn't be bothering you…I know that…" his voice rattled on and she stopped him._

_"It's okay," she said, "Do you want to talk…or watch TV or something?"_

_He walked over to the bed and sat at the end, and she moved her feet over to make room for him. Suddenly he realized he should have asked before sitting on her bed in the middle of the night and he looked embarrassed, "Can I sit here?" he asked. "I don't want to disturb the baby."_

_Olivia glanced at her son, "He's fine…he's sound asleep." Then she looked back at Elliot, "What's wrong?"_

_"You're wearing your glasses," he said, as if that were the answer to her question. "You never used to wear them…I mean I never saw you wear them…"_

_"I didn't used to need them," she sighed. "Old eyes I guess…" she forced a smile. "You didn't come in here to talk about my glasses…"_

_"I can't get the picture out of my head," he said, his voice quivering. "From the burial…the casket…lowering into the ground…" he couldn't stop his tears from falling. "I'm never going to see her again…"_

_"Oh El," she leaned forward, putting her hand on his shoulder while he cried. "I'm so sorry…I can't even imagine…"_

_"She needed me…and I let her down," he cried. "I let everyone down."_

_"That's not true," she scooted down on the bed next to him and wrapped her arms awkwardly around him. "You are not letting the other kids down. You're going to get better so you can be there for them…and if Lizzie had told you what she was going through, I have no doubt you would've helped her. I know that."_

_"She was the only one who hadn't written me off," he sighed. "I was still paying her tuition…and the last time she came to get her tuition check I told her I didn't have all of it. I'd drank most of it away…but she told me even though I'd messed up, I could fix things by getting better and working on my relationship with Eli. That was months ago…probably before she knew she was pregnant…but maybe after the rape." He shook his head, "She didn't tell me…she tried to make me feel better about myself…and she didn't tell me that no-good prick had attacked her."_

_"El…when was this exactly?" Olivia asked him, something sparking her memory of the interrogation she'd done of Lizzie's boyfriend._

_He shrugged, "I don't know…months…I've been too drunk to notice time for a while now."_

_"El, when you couldn't pay all of Lizzie's tuition…she got a job, right?" Olivia asked him._

_"Yeah," he nodded. "At some restaurant as a waitress."_

_"Okay," she squeezed his hand. "Well, her boyfriend told me she was raped after she started working. He said she couldn't meet the professor during office hours, because she had to work to pay her tuition. So see…she hadn't been raped when she came to see you that day."_

_His eyes widened, "So…she wasn't hiding it from me that day?" he asked._

_"No," Olivia shook her head, "It hadn't happened yet. And El, I know she didn't come to you when it did happen, but she was scared and she made that choice…for a lot of reasons. It wasn't only because of you. I was because of me too. She didn't come to SVU because of me. We made a mistake that tore your family apart…we made that mistake together…and you can't keep blaming yourself for it."_

_"But she was raped, Liv…" he exhaled sharply. "And she didn't tell anyone…she didn't tell me or Kathy about the baby…she died not knowing that I would have given anything to help her."_

_"She knows, El," Olivia held him close and he leaned into her, her pink shirt moistening with his tears. "She knows all you're doing now…I have no doubt in my mind about that. She knows you're gonna take care of Libby…"_

_He looked up at her, raising his hands to his face and wiping away the tears as best he could. "It's my fault she had to get a job too…God, I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive myself. My daughter is gone…and maybe it's not all my fault…but it sure as hell feels like I had a lot to do with it."_

_"I know it feels like that now," she said gently. "But someday…you're gonna look at Libby…and see what a good job you've done raising her…and you're gonna realize that you had a second chance to make things right…and you took it."_

_"You wanna watch TV?" he asked, and she knew he was scared to think too far in the future. _

_"Sure," she smiled and stood up from the bed. "You still like those cheesy old black and white movies?" _

_He laughed, in spite of how bad he was feeling and nodded, "Yeah…you still like Chinese food in the middle of the night? We can order some…perk of living in the city."_

_"Sounds good," she smiled. "I haven't had Chinese in ages." She picked up Noah, cradling him in her arms and he stirred but went back to sleep. "I'm gonna put him in his crib if we're gonna be out there. I'm scared he'll fall off the bed."_

_Elliot smiled, "You're a good mom, Liv. He's lucky."_

_They'd stayed up all night, and when the morning light shone through the windows the next day and Noah's wake-up cries filled the room, they looked at one another and knew they'd survived something hard, but the day ahead would be even worse. Once Lucy arrived to take care of Noah, Olivia helped Elliot pack his small bag with the few clothes he'd brought to her place and they climbed into her car. Neither of them speaking…neither of them knowing what to say._

_She pulled the car into the parking lot of the treatment center, turning off the ignition and noticing Elliot made no attempt to move. She looked at him, "We're here…" she said._

_"I know that," he sputtered, but then he calmed his voice, "I'm sorry…I just don't know how I feel right now. I'm scared…"_

_"What are you scared about?" she asked seriously._

_He shrugged, "I'm scared I can't do this…I'm scared of how sick I'm gonna be…how painful it will be…I'm afraid it might not work and I won't be able to beat this. And I'm pissed," he yelled. "At myself for doing this…for becoming this person…when I knew what it was like…how much my dad hurt me with his drinking…how your mom hurt you…"_

_"El…" she began, but he stopped her._

_"Don't…" he sighed, "Please…don't try to make me feel better, or say it wasn't my fault, or tell me I'll get through it. Just don't. I can't hear it…I need to go." He opened the door, grabbing his bag from the back seat and walking toward the entrance. _

_She jumped out of the car and ran after him, "Would you wait for me?" she asked._

_He turned and looked at her, "No…I don't want you here. Go home. You don't belong here."_

_"Stop," she caught up with him, grabbing him and forcing him to look at her, "I do belong here. I want to help you…help you get settled and make sure you're okay."_

_He shook his head, "I'll list you as my emergency contact…so they'll call you and tell you how I'm doing. I promise…but Liv, I have to go in there alone. I got myself into this mess…and I have to face it on my own."_

_"You don't have to…" she felt the tears stinging her eyes and tried to blink them away. "You don't…"_

_"Don't cry…" his voice softened and he pulled her close, and before either of them knew what was happening his lips were pressed firmly against hers, and they both knew they should pull away but neither of them did, until finally he released his grasp and stared at her shocked face. "Can you go check on Libby today?" he asked, practically out of breath and recognizing the look of shame of confusion on her face. "Tell her I'm doing this for her…because I love her…okay?" She nodded, without speaking a word and he turned and walked toward the entrance, while she stood and watched him grab the handle and waited for him to walk in. Then he turned to her and called out, "And Liv…I love you too. I'm sorry I never said it before…but I always have. I want you to know that. I've always loved you." Then he disappeared behind the doors and she was all alone. _

"You're such a good girl," Olivia cooed at the baby who had finished most of her bottle and was resting snugly in her arms. "Everyone is going to be so proud of you for working so hard to get strong and go home."

She heard the light creak of the door, and raised her head expecting to see the nurse, but she was surprised to see someone else. "Dickie?" she whispered.

He shook his head, "Richard…okay…I haven't been Dickie in ages." He fully opened the door, "Can I come in?"

She nodded, "Of course," and he walked over by her, looking down at the baby.

"She's pretty…" he whispered.

"Yeah…" Olivia smiled. "Do you want to hold her?"

He shook his head, "I don't think so…" he walked back and forth in front of her and Olivia couldn't tell what was going through his mind. "I knew…" he said, suddenly turning and looked straight at her. "About the baby…about the rape…I knew all of it and I never told Mom and Dad."

"Lizzie told you?" Olivia asked and he nodded. "She trusted you."

"I let her down," he sighed, "If I'd said something…"

"You didn't cause this," Olivia promised him, seeing more of Elliot in his son than she ever had before.

"Are you gonna keep her?" he asked, walking back over and running his finger along the baby's soft cheek. "If Dad doesn't get better? Are you gonna keep Libby?"

"I don't know," Olivia admitted. "I think your dad is going to get better. I know he is."

He shook his head, "I don't know if I can believe that." He sighed, "I want to."

"He wants to get better for you kids and for Libby," Olivia told him. "Trust me…he'll give it his all."

"Did Dad say you could have Libby to replace your baby?" he asked her. "Just tell me the truth…"

"No," Olivia insisted. "Di…Richard…I'm so sorry for everything…for what you saw that day…for breaking up your family…but your dad did not give me Libby. Social services was going to take her…I volunteered to take custody so he wouldn't lose her. I'm not trying to steal her from you…or your mom…any of you. I swear."

"Maureen and Kathleen were talking last night about trying to get custody of her…but Kathleen is still pretty unstable a lot of the time…and Maureen wants to have her own baby…" he sighed. "Neither of them think they can take on a sick child right now…I'd do it, but I'm stationed overseas. I'm leaving first thing in the morning…I just want her to be with her family."

"I know you do," Olivia understood. "And I promise you…when your dad gets better, he's going to take good care of her."

"My mom has cancer," the words escaped his lips and the shock of hearing them out loud made his eyes fill with tears.

"What?" Olivia asked. "Oh God…"

"That's why she didn't take her," he explained. "She found out the day you came to tell her Lizzie died…" he gave a weak snicker, "Talk about everything going to hell all at once."

"Richard, I'm so sorry…" Olivia didn't know what to say.

"She told us last night, after Dad left," he cried. "She's got a treatment plan in place…and the doctors think she can beat it…but with chemo and radiation…taking care of Eli…she can't take Libby too."

"Why didn't she say something?" Olivia asked.

"She was in shock…she didn't even know about the baby," he sighed, "And then she made the decision she thought would be best for her, giving her to a loving family, but Dad stepped up all of the sudden and said he wanted her…she didn't know how to deal with that."

"I don't blame her," Olivia said truthfully. "I wish she'd said something…"

"She didn't want Dad to know," he told her. "She thought if he knew…he'd try to use it to get Eli from her too…"

"He wouldn't do that," Olivia insisted. "Besides, your mom is a good mother. No court would take Eli from her and give him to an alcoholic," hearing herself talk about Elliot that way was heartbreaking. "She has to know that."

"I think seeing you again sort of blurred her perception of the situation," he said honestly. "It's been hard for her Olivia. Dad cheated on her…and I think she could have accepted that because neither of them really loved each other anymore…I'm not sure they ever did…but it was with _you_…and she trusted you."

"I never meant for it to happen," she knew she could never explain. "I loved him so much…he was all I had for so long…and I let things go too far…I know it was wrong and it knew it was then too…but I was so sad and so lonely…If he hadn't left SVU I don't think we ever would have had the affair…it happened because I couldn't fill the void in my heart that he left when he walked out that day. I'm so sorry…"

"I know," he nodded. "You're both sorry…but it doesn't change what happened."

"I know that," she agreed, "But I promise you…I never wanted to hurt any of you."

"Do you still love him?" he asked and the look on her face told him everything he needed to know.

"I don't really know anymore," Olivia sighed, tears stinging her eyes.

"Do you love Libby?" he asked, and she smiled and looked down at the sleeping baby in her arms.

"Of course I do…" she smiled, "And I promise I'll love her with all my heart the entire time she's in my care. She's always going to be loved. And if you or your sisters or your mom want to see her, you can…any time. I want her to have her whole family."

He nodded, "I think I might want to hold her now," he said, and Olivia stood up so he could sit in the chair and placed the baby carefully in his arms. He stared down at her, his eyes full of tears and let the slow sobs escape his lips. He held her close, "Your mommy loved you little one," he quivered. "I miss her so much…" and Olivia knelt next to him while he clung to his niece and cried.

**More to come...**


	22. Chapter 22

**I apologize for taking a week to get an update done. Seems my life gets in the way of my writing time more often than I would like. Thanks for sticking with me, and for all the nice reviews and PMs asking me to update. Sorry it is a little short. I'll try to get another chapter up for you sooner rather than later. Enjoy!**

Two weeks…it had been two weeks since Elliot entered rehab and the doctor had finally called her the day before to schedule a weekend visit. He said Elliot was doing well, much better than he'd done in the beginning when the withdrawal symptoms left him weak and hallucinations overtook his reality. They wouldn't let him have visitors until he was well enough, and it had taken two long weeks. Olivia pulled up in front of the rehab center, her mind wandering to the events that had led them here. Then she thought about the day before, when she'd tried one final time to mend fences…and had failed. There was nothing she could do to fix the situation the Stablers were in. Maybe it wasn't her responsibility anyway. Even though she'd blamed herself for messing up their lives, she couldn't fix something they wanted to leave broken. Maybe Libby was the only Stabler she could help now, and maybe protecting her innocent young life was enough.

_She drove down the suburban street and stopped in front of the house. Opening the door, she pulled her jacket closed as the strong autumn wind whipped around her. She knocked on the door and waited long enough that she thought she'd have to turn around and leave, before the door opened slowly and she forced a weak smile._

_"What are you doing here?" Kathy asked, her face drawn and tired, her voice raspy and weak. _

_"I know you don't want to see me," Olivia said honestly._

_"You've got that right," Kathy sputtered. "So why are you here?"_

_"Dickie came to see Libby," she told her. "The day after the funeral…he told me about the cancer…"_

_"Oh God," Kathy sighed, "I don't need this. I don't need your pity…"_

_"No…" Olivia insisted. "I just want you to know that I understand why you couldn't take Libby right now, but if you want to see her…"_

_Kathy shook her head, "I don't…"_

_"Well, if you change your mind…" Olivia suggested. "The doctor is releasing her day after tomorrow."_

_"What?" Kathy asked, surprised. "Already?"_

_Olivia nodded, "She's a lot stronger…she's grown so much too." She pulled out her phone and showed Kathy the picture she had taken the day before. "She's beautiful…"_

_Kathy's eyes moistened with tears, "She looks like Lizzie…"_

_"I think so too," Olivia agreed. "If you want to see her, I can bring her here or you can come to my apartment…"_

_Kathy shook her head, "That's not a good idea." She said, rubbing her hand across her forehead, "Olivia…I can't do this…whatever the hell this is…" She could see the confusion on Olivia's face and sighed, "I can't have you in my life like this. I appreciate you taking care of Libby…but I chose not to for a reason…and you can't just force her back into my life."_

_"I'm not trying to force her into your life," Olivia insisted. "But I don't want you feeling like you can't see her because of me."_

_"This isn't about you," Kathy said. "I'm sick…I'm tired all the time now, and I have to miss work…Eli takes every ounce of energy I have left and I can't let him down. Seeing Libby…it breaks my heart. I miss Elizabeth so much," she started to cry, "She didn't want me to know she was having a baby…"_

_"I think she was just scared," Olivia said softly. "Kathy, I'm sorry. I know this is hard…and you don't have to see Libby if you don't want to…I just want you to know you can if you feel like it." She closed her eyes, "And if you ever need help with Eli…"_

_Kathy shook her head, "No…don't come here and act like we're good friends…like you can help me…"_

_"Kathy, I'm sorry…so sorry for what happened with me and Elliot," Olivia said honestly. "I never meant for it to happen. I didn't mean for you to get hurt either…I swear. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made…"_

_"Really?" Kathy snickered. "Sleeping with my husband was a mistake? Getting pregnant with his kid was a mistake?"_

_Olivia nodded, "It was wrong…I know it was wrong…and I loved my baby, but that doesn't change how wrong all of it was…the affair, the lies, all these years of Elliot thinking I aborted his child, me blaming myself for the past three years over losing the baby…it's all been one huge mess and there was nothing right about any of it. You have every right to hate me…I don't blame you. I just want you to know that I'm sorry…and I love Libby and Eli…all your kids, and I can help if you need it."_

_"Just take care of my granddaughter," Kathy started to close the door, but Olivia stopped her._

_"Elliot didn't give the baby to me," she said quickly. "I know you told the kids he did…but I want you to know, I volunteered to take her because I didn't want him to lose her. He never said I could have her, and I don't plan on keeping her once he gets better. I promise…I know she's not my baby. I could never replace my child...and I'd never try to take Libby from any of you."_

_"Okay," Kathy closed the door and Olivia stood there for a minute before walking slowly back to her car._

_She drove to the hospital, walking to the NICU and picking up the baby. She was so much stronger, the size of an average newborn and Olivia couldn't help but smile at her chubby cheeks and twirl her fingers through her soft blonde curls. "Hey sweet girl," she whispered, and the baby looked at her and cooed. "You're gonna come home soon." She kissed her softly on the cheek, taking in her soft baby scent. "I love you…"_

She wondered what it would be like to see Elliot now, and she didn't want to admit she was worried about it. She thought back to the day she'd dropped him off…the day he'd kissed her and left her with little time to process what had happened. The kiss came out of nowhere, and now, two weeks later she still didn't know what to think about it. Hearing him say he loved her…after all this time…left her heartbroken and confused. If he had said that to her three years ago, she'd have melted into his arms. Now, it felt forced and awkward, and she wasn't sure how to react.

She walked inside, giving her name and waiting for the security guard to walk her back to the visiting area. She couldn't help but think the place seemed more like a prison than a hospital, but rehab wasn't exactly full of safe people so it was understandable. The guard came and shuffled Olivia and several other visitors down a long corridor and into a dingy room with gray walls and worn furniture. There were several patients sitting around, some watching TV, others playing cards. It took a while, but finally she saw him, sitting at one of the tables, pretending to work a crossword puzzle but his mind was obviously elsewhere. She walked over to him, putting her hand on his shoulder and he jumped, anxiously looking at her. "I'm sorry…" she said, "I didn't mean to startle you."

"I didn't know you were coming," he said, standing to his feet and looking her in the eye. "Why are you here?"

"The doctor called and said I could see you now," she explained, noticing that he'd gained some weight in his time at the treatment center, not to mention he hadn't shaved in a while and his face was worn. "I thought you'd be happy to see me."

He shook his head, "It's not that…I just…I don't want you to have to see me here." He looked around the room, "I hate this place."

"You'll be home soon," she said, sitting down at the table and he sat back down across from her.

"Sure," he sighed. "I'll be home soon."

"How are you feeling?" she asked, not sure if he would tell her the truth. "You look better…I mean it. You look healthier."

"They make you eat here," he snickered. "And work out…a lot. I guess I've kind of missed that. I can't remember the last time I lifted weights or ran on a treadmill. I didn't realize what awful shape I was in until they made me start exercising." He sighed, "I still want to drink, Liv. I think I'm always going to want to…"

She nodded, "But now you can choose not to, right?"

"It's easy to choose not to when you're locked in a place like this," he wrung his hands nervously. "I'm afraid about what will happen when I'm out there."

"You want to do what's right for Libby. I know that," she said. "So you won't drink." She grabbed her purse and pulled out a picture she'd printed from her phone earlier and handed it to him. "See…she's waiting for her grandpa to come home."

He smiled, "She's so big," he looked up at Olivia, "How is she?"

Olivia smiled, "She's coming home tomorrow," she said. "She's perfect."

"She's coming home?" he asked. "With you?"

Olivia nodded, "Noah and I went shopping and bought her some new clothes and diapers and things yesterday. And I got a bassinet so she can sleep in my room. She's gonna be fine."

"I'll pay you back for all that," he said quickly.

Olivia shook her head, "You don't have to. The state pays for it El…she's in foster care."

"Right…" he said, as if he'd forgotten. "Uhm…I'll be out of here in two more weeks. They only keep you twenty-eight days. Then I start outpatient rehab. How long do you think it'll be before I can get her back?"

"I don't know," Olivia admitted, "But El…you can see her whenever you want. You know that."

"I want her with _me_," he argued, "Her bassinet should be by _my_ bed. I should be buying her clothes and toys and things."

"You'll have her back, El," Olivia said gently. "When you get out of here…you'll focus on your outpatient rehab, and find a better place to live…"

He shook his head, "I'm afraid I can't do it…not alone…"

"You're not alone," she told him. "I'll help you…your kids will help you…El they want you to get better."

"I'm not sure I believe that," he sighed. "I tried to call Eli…but Kathy wouldn't let me talk to him."

Olivia considered telling him about Kathy's cancer, but decided against it. He didn't need another thing to worry about right now. "Dickie came and saw the baby," she said with a smile. "He wants you to get better…he wants Libby to have her family."

"He did?" Elliot asked with surprise. "And he talked to _you_?"

She nodded, "Yeah…we had a good talk. I think he understands more about the past now…and he loves his niece. He misses Lizzie…"

"I miss her too," Elliot teared up, closing his eyes and exhaling sharply. "I can't stop thinking about her…about burying her…"

"El…" Olivia said sadly.

He shook his head, "They make me talk to a shrink here…every damn day. And all I can talk about is how my drinking kept me from protecting my little girl. I can't get past it. I don't think I ever will. And it makes me want to drink _more_. Why the hell does it make me want to drink? It should make me want to stay away from it."

"El," she grabbed his hand, squeezing it tight. "You are never going to lose this desire to drink. You know that, right? It's not going away…but you can beat it. You can…I have faith in you."

"Then you're the only one," he sighed.

Before she could reply, the security guard entered the room to tell them visiting hours were up. She stood from the table, "I guess I have to go," she said, and he nodded. "I'm proud of you," she said honestly. "I know this isn't easy."

He stood up, grabbing her and hugging her close to him. At first she thought he might kiss her again, or say _I love you_ once more, but all he did was whisper, "Thank you for taking care of Libby. Give her a kiss for me," and she felt equally relieved and disappointed at the same time.

"I will," Olivia nodded. Then she pulled away from his hug and followed the other visitors back down the long corridor to the lobby.

She climbed into her car, turning the key in the ignition and resting her head against the steering wheel. Seeing Elliot in that place…knowing he didn't have faith that he would get better…it was heartbreaking. What if he didn't stop drinking? What if he couldn't? What if she had to keep Libby? What if deep down she really wanted to keep her? _"God Liv,"_ she said to herself. _"You have to move on…she's not your baby and Elliot is going to get better."_ She just wasn't sure her heart believed what her head was saying.

**More soon...**


	23. Chapter 23

**Hello all! Sorry again for the update delay. I was out of town all week and now that I'm back I've had a bunch of other stuff to deal with. So I am a little late in posting, and I appreciate everyone who is hanging in there with the story. I am thinking there will be maybe two more chapters after this one...so I will be wrapping things up with this soon. I'll try to get that done this week. Thanks for all the reviews...they make me happy :)**

The baby's cries started soft enough that Olivia thought she was dreaming, but within seconds the screams were piercing. She sat up, rubbing her eyes and looking at the bassinet next to her bed. The baby's face was scrunched up, turning red from crying and Olivia picked her up, "Shhhhh…" she whispered, rocking her back and forth. "You're okay…" she kissed the baby and held her close, "No reason to cry sweetheart." She glanced at the clock next to her bed. "It barely after three in the morning, Libby…" she yawned. "You don't usually wake up until four."

She walked into the kitchen, making a bottle and gently swaying the baby back and forth, trying to get her to stop crying. "Oh Libby…" she sighed, unable to soothe the baby's cries. "You're gonna wake up Noah…" She finished making the bottle, rushing back to her room and praying Noah would sleep through the little girl's cries. She cradled her in her arms and put the bottle in her mouth, and the baby contentedly sucked. "There you go sweet girl," she whispered, staring into the little girl's crystal blue eyes.

_Bringing Libby home had proven more difficult than Olivia could have imagined. She loved this little girl with all her heart, but caring for two children under the age of one came with a unique set of challenges she hadn't been prepared to face. The first three days Libby had been with her, Olivia hadn't slept at all. Libby's cries would wake up Noah, then Noah would cry and the cycle just repeated over and over. The sitter, Lucy, seemed to have better luck during the day, but maybe that was because she had more experience with babies. All Olivia knew was that she was barely making it through the day at work, and then staying awake all night taking care of babies…and it was wearing her too thin._

_It took about a week before they'd settled into a real routine. Olivia figured out when Libby would want to eat, and managed to get her fed before her cries woke Noah. She played with both babies before bed, so Noah would wear himself out and sleep through the night, and managed to get both of them bathed and fed in the morning before Lucy arrived. It was hard, but she'd never pictured herself with two small children to love and care for, so she felt blessed. _

_It was late Friday night of their first week together when there was a soft tap at her door, and Olivia didn't know who to expect at such an hour. She walked to the door, both babies sleeping soundly and peeked through the peep hole, surprised to see Kathy standing there. She took a deep breath and opened the door, face to face with the woman she most dreaded seeing…and forced a weak smile. "Kathy…" she whispered. "What are you doing here?"_

_"I…uhm…Eli is spending the night with a friend and I was alone…" Kathy couldn't seem to get the words out. She looked around, "Can I come in?" she asked._

_Olivia stepped back and motioned her into the room, "Of course…" she nodded. "Come in and have a seat." _

_Kathy walked past the sofa and over to the crib that was standing against the wall, taken aback to see Noah sleeping there. "Who's this?" she asked. "Where's Libby?"_

_Olivia walked over to her, "This is my son, Noah…" she motioned toward the bedroom. "Libby is asleep in my room. I'll go get her…"_

_"No," Kathy shook her head, "I want to see her…" she explained. "But not yet…can we just talk?"_

_"Sure," Olivia sat down, reluctant to say anything more. She didn't know why Kathy had shown up at her apartment and she was worried. "Are you okay?" she asked nervously._

_Kathy nodded, "I'm fine…treatment is going well…I'm feeling kind of run down a lot, but I'm okay." She cleared her throat, "This isn't about me…not really. It's about Elliot…"_

_Olivia's eyes widened, "Okay…" she sighed, "What about him?"_

_"When did you have a baby?" Kathy asked, turning toward the crib once more. "He's not Elliot's…right?"_

_"No…of course not," Olivia insisted. "I hadn't seen Elliot in three years when I had to go tell him about Lizzie…I swear…"_

_Kathy shrugged, "I know…I just didn't know you had a baby."_

_Olivia nodded, "I started adoption proceedings in May," she explained. "That's why it was so much easier for me to get custody of Libby. They already had my home study completed."_

_"Oh…" Kathy nodded._

_"You said you were here about Elliot?" Olivia reminded her. "What about him?"_

_"Olivia…I just want you to know that I don't love him…not the way a husband and wife should love each other anyway. I'm not sure I ever did," she looked at the floor and took a deep breath. "You have to understand…when I married him, it was because I had to. My parents didn't give me a choice. I was eighteen years old, and the very first time I had sex I managed to get myself pregnant. Neither of us had a say in the matter…his dad was an asshole and my folks were ready to kill him…so we got married and made it work for longer than we should have."_

_"I know it wasn't easy" Olivia said sadly. _

_Kathy shrugged, "I know we were only going through the motions…that he only came back to me for Eli's sake, but it still hurt me that he cheated…that you let him cheat on me with you of all people…that my whole family had to suffer because of what you did."_

_"I know that," Olivia admitted. "And I'm sorry…I'll always be sorry for it…but I can't change anything that happened."_

_"I know nothing can change the past," Kathy added. "But I want you to know that I will never be able to forget what you did…what my kids went through, especially Dickie…walking in on that…" she sighed, "But even though I can't forget…I'm going to try to forgive you…and to forgive Elliot…because as much as I want to blame you for how screwed up my life is now, I had just as big a part in it. And I'm sorry too…"_

_"You don't need to apologize…" Olivia argued, but Kathy interrupted her._

_"Cancer is a bitch," she sputtered. "It forces you to face your own mortality...and in doing that I guess I've realized that I've made some big mistakes in my life. We all make mistakes...and a mistake shouldn't take away your chance to live life to the fullest." She sighed, "I should never have told Elliot I saw you at the clinic," she said. "I shouldn't have told him you were on the abortion floor. When I saw you there crying…I really did think you'd aborted your baby…and I wanted Elliot to feel hurt by it all because I was hurting so much. So I'm sorry because if I hadn't said that, he would have been there for you."_

_Olivia shook her head, "He didn't want to be with me." She cleared her throat, "He wanted his family…his kids…he hated me for ruining that. I know he would have loved our baby…he would have been a good father…but he would never have forgiven me for ruining his relationship with his kids." She felt a tear slide down her cheek and brushed it away, "And I can't forgive him either…for making me feel like I didn't matter to him…when he was all that mattered to me for so long."_

_"So what about now?" Kathy asked. "You've been helping him…are the two of you going to try to have some kind of relationship when he gets out of rehab?"_

_Olivia shook her head, "I don't know. I want him to get better…for your kids…for Libby." She sighed, "But not for me…because I've learned to live my life just fine without him…and it took me a damn long time to get to this point."_

_"Do you love him?" Kathy asked._

_Olivia sighed, "I don't know what it's like not to love him. I always have, but that doesn't mean I need a relationship with him."_

_"I want him to see Eli," Kathy said. "He's been calling, asking to talk to him and I keep saying no because I don't want my son hurt again…but Eli misses him and if Elliot is really and truly better…then I guess it won't hurt. He needs a dad."_

_Olivia nodded, "Elliot misses him…so much."_

_"If you're there…" Kathy added, "To provide some supervision until we know for sure Elliot as kicked the drinking…then I won't put up a fight about him seeing Eli."_

_"I can do that," Olivia agreed. "If that's what you want."_

_Kathy nodded, "Can I see my granddaughter now?" She had tears in her eyes, "I know it has to be hard on you…having two babies in the house. I didn't know you had one of your own when you volunteered to take Libby. If I could help more…"_

_Olivia shook her head, "I love having her here," she promised. "But if you want to see her more, if you ever want to take her to the park or something…you can…"_

_"Thanks," Kathy gave a sad smile. Olivia walked to the bedroom and picked up the baby who kept her eyes closed tight and didn't seem to want to wake up. She carried her into the living room, placing her in Kathy's arms. Kathy held her close, her eyes full of tears. "She's so beautiful…" she whispered. "When I look at her…I miss Lizzie so much…"_

_"I know," Olivia leaned forward, looking at the baby girl. "She's always going to be your connection to Elizabeth. You'll always have a part of her in Libby. You know that, right?"_

_Kathy shook her head, "I gave up my rights to her. I was so sad and I wasn't thinking…Elliot may never let me see her, and I wouldn't blame him."_

_"He won't do that," Olivia insisted. "He knows the baby needs all of you…she needs her family."_

"Your grandpa is coming home today," Olivia whispered as she put the baby carefully on her shoulder and patted her back gently. "He can't wait to see you."

Elliot's twenty-eight days in rehab were over, and while she knew he had a long road ahead of him, she believed he would successfully give up drinking. Last Saturday when she'd visited him, he seemed to be feeling better and she told him about Kathy's visit with Libby and about her willingness to let him see Eli. That had been enough to put a smile on his face for the first time in ages. When she left, she promised to bring the baby with her when she picked him up and now, staring at the little girl, she knew Elliot would do anything to keep his granddaughter in his life. He was going to stay strong, even if it was hard.

The baby burped loudly and Olivia laughed, taking her down from her shoulder and holding her close, "You're such a good baby," she whispered, kissing her and putting her down in the bassinet, rubbing her tummy gently until the baby fell back to sleep. Then she climbed back into bed, staring at the clock…four-fifteen. Maybe she'd be able to sleep for a while before she had to get up for the day.

Just as she drifted off to sleep, she could hear her son through the baby monitor. "Mama…" she heard him cry and then she could hear his small fists pounding against the side of the crib. "Mama…" he cried again and she climbed out of bed. "Oh Noah…" she sighed. "You're gonna wake up Libby…" she yawned as she ran into the other room, hoping to quiet him before his tears turned to full-blown sobs. She picked him up and held him close, "Mama's got you," she said, kissing him softly and drying his tears. Then she sat down with him, trying to rock him back to sleep…and she wondered if she'd ever get a full night's rest again. "I love you, baby boy…" she said gently, closing her eyes and hoping he'd be back to sleep before Libby woke up again.

**More to come...**


	24. Chapter 24

**I want to thank everyone for taking time to read this story. It was one that I was a bit unsure of writing, but I have enjoyed it and relished in the kindness of the reviews. I am sorry some are disappointed that it is ending...but I felt this was the time to let it go. My last story _Changes_ had good feedback and quickly turned to negativity when I let it get too long and people were complaining about the length and that it should have ended before it did. I made the decision not to go that way this time. I know there is much more that could be told about Elliot and Olivia...their journey beyond this point, but really that could be a completely separate story. I've chosen to end it where I did so people can make their own decisions about their future...or maybe I'll write it myself some day. :) I hope no one is too disappointed with the ending. Enjoy the final two chapters and thanks for reading.**

"It's getting chilly," Olivia said, watching Elliot push Libby back and forth in her stroller. They'd come to the park after eating lunch, when she picked him up from rehab because Elliot wanted time to act normal before he went back to his apartment and while she'd spent the entire time pushing Noah on the swings, he had spent it walking back and forth on the sidewalk pushing his granddaughter in the stroller. "El…" she said again, and he finally took his eyes off the baby girl and looked at her, "We need to get going. It's getting too cold for the babies."

"Yeah…" he said sadly, not wanting to go home. He'd missed spending time with his granddaughter and dreaded going back to his apartment alone. "We should go…I guess…"

They walked toward the car, and Olivia buckled Noah in his car seat while Elliot fumbled with the straps of Libby's. She walked over to the other side of the car and showed him how to situate the baby carrier in the base and then clasp the restraints. "Like this…it takes practice to master this car seat," she smiled and he nodded. "El…" she said seriously, "I know Libby is glad to have her grandpa back."

He nodded, "I hope so. I think she's forgotten me."

"I don't think so," she said gently. "But even if she did, you're here now and she's going to know you'll always be here for her."

He nodded, "I guess we should go."

"Yeah," she walked back around and slid into the driver's seat while Elliot climbed in next to her. She pulled out onto the street and turned slightly to look at him, "You can do this," she reminded him. "I know you can do this."

"I haven't been back there," he added. "Not since I went to get my suit for Lizzie's funeral. I don't know what feelings it will trigger."

"I can't let you stay with me," she added. "You know that…right? Social services wouldn't like it. You have to show you can take care of yourself…"

"I know that, Liv," he sputtered. "But it doesn't change the fact that I don't trust myself alone."

"I trust you," she said softly. "And Libby's depending on you. You can do this."

_She pulled up to the rehab center and suddenly wished she'd left the babies at home. She looked at the two of them, snuggled in their car seats and sighed at the thought of waking them up, but Elliot had specifically requested she bring Libby with her to pick him up that day. He missed the little girl so much, and Olivia couldn't deny him the chance to see her for the first time in almost a month. She unbuckled their car seats, and put Libby in her stroller, situating Noah on her hip and walked into the rehab center._

_Elliot was waiting for her, sitting on one of the plastic chairs in the waiting room, his duffel bag of personal items in his lap. She smiled, "You ready?" she asked, and he stood and walked over to her, looking down at his granddaughter._

_"She's grown so much," he said, tears in his eyes. "God…she looks like Liz."_

_Olivia nodded, "She does…" _

_She adjusted Noah on her hip and reached for the stroller, but Elliot grabbed it instead, "I've got her," he smiled and Olivia realized it was the first genuine smile she'd seen from him in a long time. He put his bag in the basket under the stroller and pushed his granddaughter to the car. "How do you do this thing?" he asked, staring at the stroller and the car seat base, and Olivia laughed a little. _

_"Pretty high tech compared to the last time you had a baby, huh?" she asked with a wink. Then she picked up the baby's seat from the stroller and secured it into the car seat base. "There…she's safe and secure."_

_After Olivia buckled Noah in his car seat they climbed in the car and took off, but she stopped at a red light and turned to him, "You want to go get lunch or something…before I take you home?" _

_"Uhm…" he cleared his throat, "I didn't bring any money with me…"_

_"It's okay," she said softly. "My treat. I think you need time with Libby before you head home."_

_"Thanks," he sighed._

_Olivia sat Noah in a highchair and Elliot sat Libby's baby seat on another, as they slid into the booth. "Family dining," Olivia laughed. "I haven't been to a place like this in ages. Noah and I don't get out much."_

_Elliot laughed, "Yeah, not the most gourmet restaurant around, but at least they tolerate crying babies."_

_"Libby doesn't cry much," Olivia added. "And Noah pretty much babbles to himself." She smiled, watching her son bang his sippy cup against the side of the highchair. "Except at night…they both like to keep each other awake at night."_

_"It's been hard, huh?" he asked. "Taking care of them both?"_

_Olivia shrugged, "Kids are never easy…but they are both worth the effort." She picked up the menu and looked at the variety of burgers and sandwiches. The waitress came over and took their orders and then Olivia looked seriously at Elliot, "El…have you talked to the other kids?"_

_He shrugged, "Maureen called me. She said she's planning to come and visit soon…check on Libby. And Dickie sent a couple of emails to the rehab center that they printed off for me. He's overseas…"_

_"No one said anything to you about Kathy?" she asked and she could tell from the look on his face that no one had. "El…she's sick. She has cancer…"_

_"What?" his face paled. "Is she okay? What about Eli…"_

_"Eli is fine," Olivia assured him. "And Kathy is doing well. She's weak…tired…but her treatment is going well. She's going to be fine."_

_"She should have told me," he ran his hand along the back of his neck. "I should be helping with Eli…how did you find out all of this?"_

_"Dickie told me…and then Kathy came to see the baby and she told me more," Olivia replied. "She couldn't take care of the baby and fight the cancer, El. That's why she didn't take her. She's scared you won't let her see Libby when you get custody."_

_"I wouldn't do that," he insisted._

_"I know…and I told her that," Olivia insisted. "She said she forgives us…that she wants to get along for the sake of the kids."_

_"She forgives us?" he shook his head. "I'm the one who cheated on her. She doesn't need to drag you into this…"_

_"Drag me into this?" Olivia snickered. "Are you serious? I am smack-dab in the middle of the whole mess. This was all my fault. I'm the one who showed up drunk off my ass and seduced a married man…" Noah started to giggle and Olivia looked at him, realizing she should probably not be talking like this in front of the kids, even if they didn't understand. _

_Before she could say anything more, the waitress brought their food. "Here you go," she said putting a chicken sandwich in front of Olivia and a cheeseburger in front of Elliot. Then she took a small bowl of applesauce and placed it in the middle, "For your handsome little guy." She smiled, then she glanced at Libby, sleeping in her baby carrier, "You have beautiful children…they are so cute. He looks just like his mommy and she looks like her daddy." _

_Olivia wasn't sure what to say, but Elliot looked up with a smile, "Thanks," he said and the waitress walked away. Olivia looked at him curiously and he shrugged, "What? You really want to go into details with a complete stranger? Who cares if she thinks we're a happy family?"_

_"You're right…I'm sorry," she sighed. _

_"Liv…what happened…it wasn't your fault," he insisted. "You came over drunk…but that's all you did. I knew how much you loved me. I always knew…and I felt the same way but I couldn't face it. When you were there…and you were so vulnerable…I wanted to be with you…"_

_"But you made me sleep on the couch," she remembered. _

_"Because you were drunk…and I didn't want to take advantage of that," he said. "But that next day, I knew you weren't sure anymore…and I still took you to my room and I shouldn't have done that…I shouldn't have blamed you when Dickie walked in…I shouldn't have made you leave and offered you money like that would make things right."_

_She felt tears stinging her eyes, the memory of that day still raw and aching in her soul, "I felt like a whore…" she whispered. "Like you could just use me and throw me away…"_

_"I'm sorry…" he whispered. "God…I'm so sorry."_

_"And then when I found out I was pregnant…" she cried. "You didn't want me or our baby, Elliot. I thought it was because you never really loved me…that you could never love my child the way you loved your other kids…"_

_"Oh Liv…" he let a tear slide down his cheek. "I loved you…and I wanted that baby because I knew how much you wanted him…he was a part of us…I loved him. I just didn't know how to fix the mess we were in and I let me fears overshadow what you needed from me. I will never forgive myself for that. I should have been there…through the whole thing." He closed his eyes and sighed, "I remember one day I texted you and you told me you were throwing up your insides…I just wanted to hold you and take care of you and make sure you were okay…but I didn't know how to do that and still be there for Eli…be the man I knew I should be for my family…" He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, "You don't ever have to feel sorry for what happened again, Liv…because this was my fault. And I let everyone down."_

_"I knew you would love the baby because he was your son," she insisted. "But I also knew you'd regret him…and I couldn't let my child feel like that. That's why I let you think I had an abortion. I thought my child…our child…would be better off with just me, than living his life feeling like his father didn't want him." She brushed the tears away from her cheeks, "And my lie led to your drinking…I ruined your life."_

_He shook his head, "I ruined my own life." He cleared his throat and looked seriously into her eyes, "And I made you go through the miscarriage alone. No one should have to do that alone."_

_She shook her head, "It was scary and painful…and I thought I would die because my heart was so broken…but I knew I didn't deserve to have you there. I lied to you…and I felt like God was punishing me for making so many bad decisions. I didn't deserve to be a mother. And I didn't want anyone else to see that."_

_"Oh Liv…" he took her hand and held it tight. "You deserved that baby…and losing him…losing Elijah…that wasn't punishment for anything you did. It was one of those horrible things that happen in life and you shouldn't have been alone. You should have had me to lean on…and I'm sorry. So, so sorry…" She looked in his eyes, her own clouded with tears and he forced a weak smile, "You know…if Kathy says she's willing to forgive us…maybe we should forgive ourselves. We can't go on like this, Liv. We can't live in the regrets of the past…we both deserve to move on."_

_She nodded, "I know that…but I don't know if I can." The baby started to cry, and Olivia grabbed the diaper bag, pulling out her bottle and wiping away her own tears one more time, "She's hungry," she said, clearing her throat. "I should feed her."_

_"I'll do it," Elliot offered, reaching for the bottle and then picking up the baby and cradling her in his arms. He looked down at her and smiled, "Are you hungry…Grandpa's big girl…" he put the bottle in her mouth and then looked up at Olivia, "Thank you…for taking care of her. I can't imagine her with strangers. She needs her family."_

_"She'll be with her family soon," Olivia said._

_He shook his head, "Liv…she's with her family now. You're her family too…always."_

_"Thanks," she gave a sad smile. "I love her so much."_

_He nodded, "I know you do."_

"You'll be okay," Olivia insisted as they pulled up to Elliot's apartment. "I came over last week and cleaned everything up. There's no liquor in the whole place, and I set some traps for the mice. You'll probably want to check those…"

He nodded, "Thanks…I wish you wouldn't have had to do that. I know the place was disgusting."

"I've seen worse," she smiled.

"On the job, right?" he laughed slightly.

She nodded, "Yeah…but hey…you're better now. You're gonna get out of this place soon. You're gonna get Libby back. Things will be okay."

"Thanks Liv, for everything," he opened up the car door and then leaned back and kissed his sleeping granddaughter on the cheek, grabbing his bag and then walking up the rickety steps to his apartment complex. Olivia watched until she knew he was inside and then she drove home.

Elliot unlocked the door, pushing it open and sitting his bag down on the freshly cleaned carpet. Olivia had obviously gone all out on cleaning his place, and he felt guilty about it. The old shag rug was still frayed, but was dirt and stain free. His faded green sofa had been shampooed and the cushions were fluffed, while a green and purple crocheted throw adorned the back. He recognized it as one his mother had made years ago, and wondered where Olivia had found it…probably in the back of the closet. He walked over to the closet, opening the door and seeing all of his clothes handing neatly on the hangers. Opening the bathroom door he was met with freshly hanging towels, and a tub, toilet, and sink that had been scrubbed cleaner than they'd been since before he moved in. Finally he walked to the small kitchenette and could see the bottom of his sink for the first time in years. The dishes were neatly stacked in the cabinets and the refrigerator was stocked with food. He saw his phone, sitting on the counter, charging on the charger and picked it up. He sent her a text…_You didn't have to do this. Thanks_. He didn't expect a reply since he assumed she'd be driving home, so he walked into the living room, sitting on the sofa and clicking on the TV. Staring at the screen, while some random sitcom played, he looked up at the wall behind the TV and was faced with pictures of his family that he hadn't seen in years. Again, he assumed Olivia had found them in the closet and he stared at the smiling faces of his children, from little babies to current photos…there was even one of Libby that he knew Olivia had taken just for him. He stood up, walking over to the wall and staring at each picture intently.

His phone beeped and he picked it up, reading her text _I just want you to be okay. You can do this _and he nodded, "I _can_ do this," he said to himself, and for the first time, he truly believed it.


	25. Chapter 25

**Seven Months Later…**

"Mama…I hungry…" Noah said from his car seat as Olivia drove down the road toward Elliot's apartment.

"I know sweetie," she said, "We're almost there."

They'd had a busy day…finalizing Noah's adoption had been the highlight and she'd planned to spend the rest of the day with him, playing and going to the zoo, but she'd been called into work and there was no way around it. She wanted to cry leaving him with the sitter on the most important day of their lives, but luckily she'd been able to leave in a few short hours and now they were heading to Elliot's for dinner.

"You're gonna see Libby," she said to him and the little boy giggled. "You miss her, don't you buddy?" she asked. "Mommy misses her too. I haven't seen her in days." She felt tears stinging her eyes and quickly tried to blink them away. "But we're good, aren't we, Noah…just the two of us."

_"Where's Libby?" Olivia asked, as she carried boxes up the steps to Elliot's new apartment. He'd been granted full custody of his granddaughter the week before and Olivia hadn't realized how much she'd miss the baby girl. The absence of her cheeky smile and soft giggle left a void she hadn't expected. _

_"She's with Kathy for the day," he explained. "I figured she would be hard to look after in the middle of the move."_

_"That's true," Olivia sighed, trying not to show her disappointment in not seeing the baby. "How's Kathy doing?"_

_She's great," he answered. "All her tests are coming back cancer-free. She's not out of the woods, but for now she's healthy. And she's letting me keep Eli next week…for the whole week. He's so excited…he'll be here tomorrow after school."_

_"You're even more excited than he is I bet," Olivia laughed. "I'm glad…"_

_"Where's Noah?" Elliot asked as they sat the boxes in the middle of the living room. _

_"With Lucy…I need to get home in a while," Olivia smiled. Then she looked around the apartment, "This is really a great place, El. I can't believe you found a place in Manhattan."_

_"I know you want to see Libby," he said truthfully. "And she loves you, Liv. She needs you. I didn't want her to be too far away from you."_

_"Thanks," she said gently, as she sat down on the new sofa and Elliot poured two glasses of ice tea, handing one to her and sitting next to her. "So…how's the new job going?"_

_"Not bad…" he said with a shrug. "Prison guard isn't exactly the career I saw for myself, but it pays well and I have regular hours. It's not bad at all, really."_

_"I'm proud of you...for doing everything you can to build your life back," Olivia sighed, taking a drink of her iced tea. "I should get going…Noah's adoption hearing is tomorrow morning. I can't believe he's finally going to be legally mine…he was three months old when I first met him, and now he's almost two."_

_"Can I come?" Elliot asked. "I'd like to come."_

_"Sure, if you want," Olivia answered. "It should be a pretty simple ceremony. Just signing documents and then they take a family photo…"_

_Elliot smiled, "I want to be there to see you become a mom…officially…"_

_Olivia laughed, "Okay…you should come. Can you bring Libby…I want to see her. Maybe we can go to lunch after."_

_"I told Kathy she could keep her until tomorrow night, but we can still go to lunch if you want…me, you, and Noah," Elliot squeezed her hand. "Hey, Liv…do you ever think about maybe having another baby? I mean, you're so good with Libby and I just think you're a great mom and you deserve more kids if you want them…maybe a little girl."_

_She nearly choked on her sip of tea and looked at him, clearing her throat, "That ship has sailed, Elliot. I'm not having any more kids."_

_"Why not?" he asked her. "Don't you want them?"_

_She sighed, sitting her glass on the coffee table. "Elliot…I'm too old to have a baby and adoption is expensive and I already have Noah…I love kids, but I'm happy with my son."_

_"I don't think you're too old to have a baby," he said with a smile. "You never know…"_

_"What are you trying to say?" she asked, shaking her head nervously. "El…if you think you and I are going to…"_

_"No…" he insisted. "I didn't mean that. I just want you to be happy…and I worry about you. You've done so much to help me these last few months…and I just want to make sure you're okay…that you have everything you need and want…that you're happy."_

_"I am happy," she promised. "Don't worry about me."_

_"You miss Libby," he said knowingly._

_She nodded, a tear sliding down her cheek, "Yeah…but I know she's where she belongs. She needs her grandpa."_

_"She needs you too," he said gently. "You're the only parent she's ever known."_

_"But I'm not her mom," Olivia said softly. "I know that…and she's going to be fine. I'm still going to see her. We'll still be close."_

_"Hey…instead of lunch…why don't you and Noah come over here tomorrow after the hearing?" Elliot suggested. "I swear I'll have all the boxes and things unpacked by then and we can order Chinese food and watch old movies on TV. I know how much you love that."_

_"Maybe," she answered, then she stood up, "I really have to go, El."_

She pulled up in front of Elliot's apartment and took Noah out of his car seat, holding his hand as they walked to the entrance. Then she pushed the buzzer and Elliot buzzed them in. They walked down the corridor to his apartment and she knocked, surprised that it seemed to take him so long to open the door. "Hey," he said with a sly grin as he opened the door, "I'm glad you're here."

"You invited us," Olivia laughed, "Did you think we weren't coming?"

"No…but you're late," he smiled. Then he knelt down to Noah, "Hey, little man…" he said gently. "How are you doing?"

"I hungry…" Noah whined again and Elliot nodded.

"He's hungry," he looked at Olivia, "Guess we should eat, huh?" He pushed the door open and they walked inside, greeted with balloons and a banner with _Happy Adoption Day, Noah_ printed in bold blue letters. Eli popped out from around the corner with noise-makers and the shrill shriek made them all jump.

"El?" Olivia looked around in shock. "You didn't have to do this."

"Yes I did…" he insisted. "It's a special day." He kissed her on the cheek, "Happy Mother's Day, Olivia."

"It's not Mother's Day," she reminded him with a sigh.

"Yeah it is...for you it is," he said seriously. "It's your Mother's Day...you're a mom now."

"Noah's your baby now," Eli gave a grin that looked so much like his father than Olivia had to laugh. "Daddy told me."

"Yeah…he's all mine," Olivia picked up her son and held him close."

"Cake…" Noah said, pointing to the blue and white sheet cake on the table.

"Come here," Elliot took Noah from Olivia and sat him at the table. "I'll get you some cake."

"El…he hasn't had dinner," Olivia sighed.

"It's a special day," he teased, cutting the cake for Noah and Eli and sitting the two boys at the table. There was a cry from the bedroom and he turned, "Libby's awake," he said. "You want to go get her?"

"Sure," Olivia nodded. She walked toward the room and turned to watch Elliot playing with Noah and Eli at the table. "El…" she called and he looked at her. "Thanks."

Later that night Eli and Noah were curled up together in Eli's bed, sound asleep and Olivia held Libby in her arms, finishing up her bedtime feeding, "She's asleep…" she looked at Elliot and he reached for her. Olivia kissed the baby gently, "Sleep tight sweetheart," she whispered, and he picked the baby up and took her to her crib.

"Thanks for making this day so special," Olivia said as he sat down next to her. "I appreciate it."

"You're welcome," he smiled, "I'm glad things went well at the hearing. I'm glad Noah is yours…for good."

"Me too," she yawned and clicked on the TV, finding an old black and white movie, "Hey…you never did get me my Chinese food," she teased. "Noah might like cake for dinner… but not me."

He laughed, "I'm on it," he walked over to the kitchen, grabbing a takeout menu and calling to place the order. Then he came back and sat next to her on the sofa.

"Olivia," he said gently and she looked at him, "Thank you…for being here…for helping me with all this…for helping me get better. I couldn't have done any of this without you."

"Of course I'm here," she leaned her head on his shoulder. "We're partners, right…nothing will ever change that."

"Partners…" he said, the meaning of the word floating through his head until he couldn't take it anymore. "What do you mean…partners?"

She looked surprised, "Partners…" she said, "Friends…right? We're friends again…finally. It took a while, but I think we're good. Don't you?"

He nodded, "Yeah…" he sighed, putting his arm around her while she curled her legs up on the sofa and leaned into him, staring at the movie on television. "We're good…" Then he leaned over, kissing her softly on the head, "But I still love you," he said honestly. "You need to know that."

She looked up at him, forcing a smile and nodded, "I know," she said softly. "I love you too…I always will."

"Then where does that leave us?" he asked. "Liv…if we love each other…"

"Don't," she said seriously. "El…not now, okay. I just…I don't think we're ready to go there. What we have…it's good. Let's not ruin it now."

"I don't think we'll ruin it," he admitted. "I think we'll make things better." There was a knock at the door and he went to answer it, bringing containers of food back to the table. He watched her dip her eggroll into the sweet and sour sauce and smiled, "I know we can make things better," he insisted.

She sat her food down and looked at him, "Not now," she insisted. "I'm not ready."

"When?" he asked. "When will you be ready?"

"I don't know if I ever will," she admitted. "Sometimes I think we're better off as friends."

"I think we're better off in love," he winked at her and she laughed. "I'll give you however long you need…and if you just want to be friends, then I'll be in love with my best friend for the rest of my life…and I'll be okay with that."

"Are you sure?" she asked seriously, "I don't want this to trigger you…"

"No," he shook his head, "Don't do that to yourself, Liv. I'm not drinking…I'm not planning to…but if I slip up again, that will never be _your_ fault. No matter what happens with us."

"Okay," she nodded.

"Let's finish dinner," he smiled, sitting next to her, "And finish this ridiculous movie."

"I like the movie," she laughed.

"Yeah, of course you do," he teased. "One of the things I love about you…your bad taste in movies."

"Ha…ha…ha," Olivia snickered, popping the rest of the eggroll in her mouth. Then she leaned into him and watched the movie in silence, until she fell asleep.

He could hear her snoring softly, and clicked off the TV, looking down at her sleeping against his chest. "I love more things about you than I can even count," he sighed, stroking her dark hair. "I'm not going to give up on us." He leaned back and closed his eyes, "Goodnight, Liv." He whispered, as he let himself drift into the most comfortable sleep he'd had in years.

**The End... **


End file.
